Posted on 12/18/2020 8:46:29 AM PST by Colonial35
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. What was that for? the man asked. The wife replied, That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket! The man then said When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on. The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied. Your horse phoned!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find
a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was
a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the
box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
While suturing the cut on the hand of a 75-year old Virginia farmer,
the two men talked, the topic coming around to the election and the topic of Joe Biden.
Well, you know, Joe Biden is a post-turtle?, the old farmer said.
The doc asked what a post turtle was.
Well, when you drive down a country road and you see a turtle balanced on the top of a post,
you have your basic post turtle.
You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t
know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function.
And you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.
A man’s out cruising the coastal highway in his convertible on a bright,
sunny Sunday morning. The road provides a great view of the coast,
but is also very narrow, with a huge drop off on one side, and the mountain on the other.
Bad luck, he gets a flat tire and pulls to the very narrow shoulder,
on the precipice side of the road. Worse luck, the flat is on the passenger side
of the car, very close to the edge of cliff.
The man nervously works to change the tire, jacking up the car, removing the hubcap,
and placing the 4 lugnuts into the hubcap.
At this point, the man notices a mental hospital on the opposite side of the road.
Many of the patients are out in the yard, enjoying their Sunday morning strolls.
Just then, he makes eye contact with one of the patients, who smiles, and immediately
begins walking toward him.
The man works feverishly to finish installing the spare. Suddenly he looks up and
the mental patient is standing directly next to the car, a strange smile on his face.
Taken aback, the man accidentally knocks the hubcap containing the lugnuts off the
side of the cliff, into the oblivion below.
Defeated, and still nervous, the man lets out a big sigh, and prepares to deal with
his worsening situation. He stands, and says to the patient Morning, friend.
Looks like I’m in for a bit of a walk. Is there a service station nearby.
The patient says Good morning, sir. There’s no call to walk to the service station.
Unsure how to take the statement, the man asks What do you mean by that?
The patient replies If you just borrow one lugnut from the other 3 wheels to
secure the 4th, you ought to be able to make it to the service station and replace
the missing ones.
The man was amazed. What a simple solution! As the patient watched,
the man followed the advice, and was soon ready to be on his way.
Curiosity getting the better of him, the man said Thank you for your help.
You know, it never would have occurred to me to do as you suggested.
I’m really very appreciative. But I have to ask, what’s a guy like you doing in
a mental hospital?
The patient replied I’m crazy, not stupid.
Marriage Humor
Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes or no.
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
Son: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my
seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.
A newly married man asked his wife, Would you have married me if my father hadn’t
left me a fortune?
Honey, the woman replied sweetly, I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor!
Husbands are husbands
A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.
Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, We are invading the
United States of America! To reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800’s.
entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the Captain is finally
able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, Just the four of you?
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, No, we’re the last four.
The other 8 million are already there!
Astute Observations
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipsh*t’s.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Left Tackle?
I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Make sure your Viagra is stamped ‘Made in America’ because you don’t want
Russia meddling in your erections.
No one ever says, It’s only a game! when their team’s winning.
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new mobile phones.
The wife was a romantic type and a retired English teacher of the classics.
The husband a retired Navy Chief was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send
her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
The husband texted back to her: On the toilet. Please advise.
A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
The Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, We’re not coming out until you leave!
The old man frowned, I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked.
Holding up the bucket he said, I’m just here to feed the alligator.
Some old men can still think fast.
Husband buys an expensive negligee for his wife for their 50 anniversary.
He puts the box on the bed and when she gets home, he tells her,
Honey, I’ve left you a special present in our room. I want you go take off
your clothes, open it and then come let me see what you think.
She giggled, and went into the bedroom. Upon opening the box, she sees the
gift-wrapper he had forgotten to remove the price tag, and she was shocked at
how much money was spent when they could have made better use of the money.
So she walks out naked instead, planning to scold him.
Well, what do you think? she asks.
After a few blinks of his eyes, he replies, I think for that much money
they could have at least ironed it.
A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland. On the third day,
they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.
The young farmer’s wife gave them a tour, a cheese making demonstration,
and finally some samples. As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed
to a pasture full of goats. She said, This is a special pasture where we let our
older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States,
what do you do with your old goats?
An old lady piped up, Honey, they take us on bus tours.
Okay!
SO you wanted it to be today?
Totally crazy! You and the other cat.
Do you not see what is happening - it’s going to rain
I don’t understand you at all!!!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me.
What setting do I use on the washing machine?
It depends, I replied What does it say on your shirt?
He yelled back, OHIO STATE! And they say blondes are dumb.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world.
The woman replies, I’ll miss you.
It’s just too hot to wear clothes today, Jack says as he stepped out of the
shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?
Probably that I married you for your money, she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder Instruction Manual.
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands
would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the earth round.
LOLOL!!
Thanks.....too funny.
Frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from The United Nations Board of Health revealed:
North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex
two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group,
will have sex only once or twice per year, if they are lucky.
This has been very upsetting news to me and most of my buddies at the golf club
as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
A Bride on her 4th Wedding.
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
Of course, madam, replied the sales clerk, exactly what type and color dress are
you looking for? The bride-to-be said, A long frilly white dress with a veil.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more
fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life,
if you get my meaning. WELL! replied the customer, a little peeved at the
clerk’s directness, I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack
due to an unknown congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our
honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each
other again. What about your third husband? That one was a Democrat, said the woman,
and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how
good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House for Obama.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then
works some figures with a pencil.
Well, he says, I figure the job will run about $9,000. That’s $4,000 for materials,
$4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
I can do this job for $7,000. That’s $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew
and $1,000 profit for me.
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House
official and whispers, $27,000.
The official, incredulous, says, You didn’t even measure like the other guys.
How did you come up with such a high figure?
The Chicago contractor whispers back, $10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire
the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.
Done! replies the government official.
I love my country; it’s the government I’m afraid of!
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it’s far more comfortable to cry in a
Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the a**hole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble - they will remember you
when they’re in trouble again..
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
Senior Parachute Club
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn’t do something
useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn’t a good thing?
I asked. Talking about my doing something useful seems to be her favorite topic of
conversation. She is only thinking of me, she said, and suggested, I go down to
the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home,
decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, Are you nuts? You’re 86-years-old and now you’re going to start jumping
out of airplanes?
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.
Oh man, am I in trouble, I said, I signed up for five jumps a week!
The line went dead.
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