A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
The Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, We’re not coming out until you leave!
The old man frowned, I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked.
Holding up the bucket he said, I’m just here to feed the alligator.
Some old men can still think fast.
Husband buys an expensive negligee for his wife for their 50 anniversary.
He puts the box on the bed and when she gets home, he tells her,
Honey, I’ve left you a special present in our room. I want you go take off
your clothes, open it and then come let me see what you think.
She giggled, and went into the bedroom. Upon opening the box, she sees the
gift-wrapper he had forgotten to remove the price tag, and she was shocked at
how much money was spent when they could have made better use of the money.
So she walks out naked instead, planning to scold him.
Well, what do you think? she asks.
After a few blinks of his eyes, he replies, I think for that much money
they could have at least ironed it.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the
living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks,
and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says What’s this?
She says, Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.
He says, Jeez...oooh....I...
She says, Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.