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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find
a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was
a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the
box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

While suturing the cut on the hand of a 75-year old Virginia farmer,
the two men talked, the topic coming around to the election and the topic of Joe Biden.
Well, you know, Joe Biden is a post-turtle?, the old farmer said.
The doc asked what a post turtle was.
Well, when you drive down a country road and you see a turtle balanced on the top of a post,
you have your basic post turtle.
You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t
know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function.
And you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.

Astute Observations
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipsh*t’s.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Left Tackle?

I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Make sure your Viagra is stamped ‘Made in America’ because you don’t want
Russia meddling in your erections.

No one ever says, It’s only a game! when their team’s winning.

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.