(more) Marriage Humor
When the minister at our wedding said “Till death do you part”, I never thought it would be a competition!
Early one morning before the gates of Heaven have opened for the day, St. Peter is looking down from the walls at the souls who have arrived during the night, patiently waiting to be processed.
They are all organized by categories into queues, according to signs telling them where to wait.
For instance, there's one sign saying "For husbands who have been hen-pecked by their wives" - and in front of the sign there's a line of men so long that it stretches out over the horizon. Next to it, there's a sign saying "For husbands who have NOT been hen-pecked by their wives" - and there's one solitary guy standing in front of it.
Seeking to make conversation, St. Peter flies down to the man and asks him, "So how did you get here?" The man replies, "I dunno. My wife told me to stand here."
An elderly man told me once the Secret to their long Marriage was Dancing twice a week.
He went out on Tuesday and She on Fridays.
One morning Adam is strolling through the Garden of Eden and God says, "How are you doing, Adam?"
"Oh, hi Lord. Just great. Except ...."
"Except what?"
"Well, I love everything you created, and your letting me choose names for all the plants and animals, but ...... but, I just feel there's something important missing."
God says, "I know what you need. I'll make you a woman."
"What's a woman, Lord?"
"She will be this beautiful creature you'll instantly fall in love with, and she with you. She'll never lose her beauty for all of her life, nor her enthusiastic adoration of you. She'll cook and clean, share your bed and never say she 'has a headache,' bear your children and when they cry in the middle of the night, she'll be the one to get up. She'll always accept your lead, and practically never argue with you, and in the rare cases when she does she'll always apologize first. Someday when you invent the horse & buggy, she'll never criticize your driving." Etc, etc etc .....
Adam says, "Wow! Sounds great, Lord. But what's this going to cost me?"
God says, "Oh, an arm and a leg".
Adam says, "Ehhhhhh, what can I get for a rib?"
[Joke #2]: One day Eve is walking in the Garden, and let's out a deep sigh.
God: "What's wrong, Eve?"
Eve: "Well, I don't know. There shouldn't be anything wrong. You've created this beautiful garden, and I just love all these animals you've made, especially that snake. He's such a hoot! .... but somehow I just sense that there has to be something more than this".
God: "I know what to do. I'll make a man for you."
Eve: "What's a man, Lord?"
God: "Well, he'll look a lot like you. He won't be as smart, but he'll be taller and faster and stronger than you, so he'll assume that makes him your superior. He'll pretend to listen when you pour your heart out, but he won't actually have the capacity to understand you. He'll have an easily-bruised ego, so you'll have to tiptoe around it on eggshells, else he'll pout for hours or days. But hey, he'll be great in the sack! And he'll hunt down yummy-tasting 4-footed ungulates for you to eat. And there's one thing he will be really REALLY good at, which is kicking a ball around on a field ... and I just can't wait until there are more like him and they get together in teams and ... but hey, I'm getting ahead of myself here."
Eve says in a heavily sarcastic tone: "Sounds GREEEAAAT, Lord".
God: "Oh yeah? Well better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick! However, I can't let you have him unless you agree to one condition".
Eve: "What's that, Lord?"
God: "Well, you remember I warned you about his fragile ego? So that means you're going to have to let him believe that I created him first".