Posted on 12/11/2020 8:56:41 AM PST by Colonial35
Lie Detecting Robot A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. Where were you last night? I was at the library. The robot slaps the son. Okay, I was at a friend’s house. Doing what? asks the father. Watching ‘Toy Story’. The robot slaps the son. Okay, it was porn! cries the son. The father yells, What? When I was your age, I didn’t know what porn was! The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, He certainly is your son! The robot slaps the mother. ROBOT FOR SALE!
Dear friends,
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications
from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to
pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins,
Betty Crocker, Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who
never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much dough on half baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered
a positive role model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough
and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father,
Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff,
Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables. We’re sorry,
Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife Maureen. said
one of the officers.
Tell me! Did you find her? Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables said, We have some bad news, some good news,
and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’Flynn said, Give me the bad news first.
One constable said, I’m sorry to tell you sir, this morning we found
your poor wife’s body in the bay.
Swallowing hard, he asked, What could possibly be the good news?
The constable continued, When we pulled the late, departed Maureen up,
she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen
clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s,
and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.
Mr. O’Flynn demanded, if that’s the good news, then what’s the really great news?
The constable replied, We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually
find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until
they’re flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local
swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will
say, Your password is incorrect.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I’m great at multi tasking I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate
all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice I’m not using it.
I hate it when people use big words like perspicacious.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder, and the bear was even closer and then He tripped
and fell. Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him
reaching towards him with its left paw and raising the right paw to strike.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, Oh my God!
Time Stopped The bear froze The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky.
You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don’t exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of
this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light. It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly
ask you to treat me as a Christian now but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?
a pause Very well, said the voice The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right arm brought both paws together bowed his head & spoke.
Lord, Bless this food which I am about to eat.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish
they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is
gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes more-talented fool.
I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your
pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
GETTING OLD
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age,
I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run,
and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere
to get something, and then wonder what I’m here after.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before or did I get it from you?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test the other two guys managed to jump
out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself
type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Video: Jingle Johns
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow
it.
I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
You nearly owed me a keyboard.
Men vs. Women...
Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, Which book has helped you most
in your life? The woman replied, My husband’s check book!
A prospective husband in a book store Do you have a book called Husband the Master
of the House? Sales girl: Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!
Someone asked an old man: Even after 70 years, you still call your wife darling,
honey, luv. What’s the secret?” Old man: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
Pharmacist to customer: Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill
you need a proper prescription Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s
picture is not enough!
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: Because Women don’t have a wife!
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don’t teach me how to handle my children.
I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT what he really means is that he doesn’t
know his wife’s opinion yet.
A lady says to her doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep!
What should I give him to cure it? The doctor replies: Give him an opportunity to
speak when he’s awake!
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, You’re next.
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a chuck hole,
and accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge
of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted,
Are you okay?
As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see-through bath robe
which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.
I’m okay I think, I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.
She said, Please come with me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty
scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I’ll help you upright the cart later.
That’s mighty nice of you, I answered, but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!
Oh, come on now, she insisted. We need to see if you have any more scrapes and I’ll
treat them if you do. Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very persuasive.
Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated,
I’m sure my wife won’t like this.
We walked to her place just 100 yards away, and after a couple of Scotch and waters
and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, I feel a lot better now, but I know my
wife is going to be really upset, so I’d better go now.
Don’t be silly! she said with a smile, Stay for a while. She won’t know anything happened,
and by the way, where is she?
I replied, Still under the cart, I guess.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about
his bill, and the barber replied, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community
service this week.
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and
a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber
again replied, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a thank you card and a
dozen fresh donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber
again replied, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen
lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our
country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND
FOR THE SAME REASON!
Bob Hope was born 5/29/1903 and died in 2003 at age 100.
On his death bed they asked him where he wanted to be buried.
His answer was, Surprise me.
ON TURNING 70 I still chase women, but only downhill.
ON TURNING 80 That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.
ON TURNING 90 You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
ON TURNING 100 I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING I ruined my hands in the ring.
The referee kept stepping on them.
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it’s called at my home,
Passover.
ON GOLF Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.
ON PRESIDENTS I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL I feel very humble, but I think I have the
strength of character to fight it.
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY Four of us slept in the one bed.
When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the
stuff the audience threw at me.
ON GOING TO HEAVEN I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the
hereafter on a technicality.
The phone rings at the front desk of a swanky high rise hotel.
The desk manager (DM) sees that the call is from a guest (G) on the 15th floor.
DM: Front desk, may I help you?
G: My wife and I are have a terrible fight. She is so upset that she is threatening
to jump out the window.
DM: Well, I’m very sorry that your are not enjoying your stay at our hotel,
but I don’t really see what we can do. This seems to be a personal issue.
G: You would think but you see, the window won’t open, and that’s a hotel maintenance issue.
It’s been snowing all night.
So the morning goes like this 8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and
not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it
could be used as a deadly weapon.
8:45 Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between
snowmen and snow-women?
I reply, “Snowballs” and am called a sexist.
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and
flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during
this difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the America we live in today!
Grandma’s boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,
he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend
now that Grandpa went to heaven?
Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to
fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma’s minister.
The minister said, Hello son, is your Grandma home?
The little boy replied, Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.
The minister fainted.
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental
agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home.
He was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because
they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their 12 kids.
He took the remaining kid with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked: How many children do you have?
He answered: Twelve.
The agent asked, Where are the others? The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look,
answered, They’re in the cemetery with their mother.
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