Four guys are driving across country together: one from
Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A short way down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull
potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the heck are
you doing?”
The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these things in
Idaho they’re lying around on the ground. I’m sick of
looking at them!”
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins
pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks, “What are you doing that for?”
The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these things in
Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them!”
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car
door and pushes the New Yorker out.
1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
2. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
3. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
4. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad,
finally I had to take his bike away.
5. I’m so good at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.
6. My boss told me to have a good day..
so I went home.
7. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
8. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”
9. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally
passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
10.Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
11.When you look really closely,
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
12.My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange”
I said: “No it doesn’t”
13.What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
14.What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey.
15.My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
16.I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.
Then it hit me.
17.Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
18.I ate a clock yesterday,
it was very time consuming.
19.Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
20.A blind man walks into a bar.
And a table. And a chair.
21.I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
22.What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
23.Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
24.Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired!
25.Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
26.My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
27.Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.
28.When a deaf person sees someone yawn
do they think it’s a scream?
29.As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
30.How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the physco path.
31.And the lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
John came fifth and won a toaster.
32.What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look! I’m about to change.
33.I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.
Do *not* read it!
34.What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
35.Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
IB10!..................
Good morning, Colonial! Thank you for starting my day with laughs.
My golfer husband is still laughing at that!
LOL!
Man: “Doc, I got this problem with my ‘love life’ but am allergic to Viagra. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Walk ten miles every day. Call me in a week.”
ONE WEEK LATER:
Man: “Doc, I did like you said.”
Doctor: “Excellent, Is you ‘love life’ working?”
Man: “How the heck would I know? I’m seventy miles from home!”
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, “You ain’t from ‘round here are ya?’
“No,” replies the man, “I’m from Massachusetts.”
The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, what do ya do in Massachusetts?”
“I’m a taxidermist,” said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
“What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?”
“The man says, “I mount animals.”
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...
”It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”
Two Jewish guys were stranded on a Pacific island and after a dozen years
they were finally rescued.
The rescuer noticed that there were three synagogues that had been
built on the island, so he said to the men:
“There are only two of you here, why do you need three temples?”
“Well, one he goes to, one I go to, and one we both don’t go to.”
When you’re from the country, your perception is a little different.
An Iowa farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,
and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are,
if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”’
The boy thought for a moment.
“You would have to talk to Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog,
but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home
but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
“May I see your identification, please?” asked the agent.
“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replied the guy.
“Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,” said the agent.
“But I can prove I’m an American!” he exclaimed. “I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush
on the other.”
“This I gotta see,” replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
“By golly, you’re right!” exclaimed the agent. “Have a safe trip back to
Chicago.”
Thanks!” he said. “But how did you know I was from Chicago?”
The agent replied, “I recognized Obama in the middle.”
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Alabama.”
THE JEWISH GRANDMA
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow , push 3.
When you get out, I’m on the left.
With your elbow , hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but,
why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
“What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?”
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy,
I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail
and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely NOT!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
“Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an
illegal alien runs across the field.
The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.
“You can’t do that!” cried the Coloradan.
“No, no, it’s legal here in Texas” replies the Texan.
Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the
roof of his truck to open the door.
Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Coloradan thinks “No problem” draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.
As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
“But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!”
protests the Coloradan.
“Well yeah,” says the cop, “but you can’t use bait.”
MEDICAL ALERT...
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a
highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally,
by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you get WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via
any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your
private life entirely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one
or all of these three antidotes -
Really Urgent Medicine (RUM),
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been
completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.
If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK
is controlling your life.
Can you believe it?
The IRS sent my income tax return form back to me!
In response to question # 4, “Do you have any dependants?”
I replied :
12 million illegal immigrants,
7.1 million crack heads,
16 million unemployed people,
2 million people in prison
and about 600 idiots in Congress.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
Who the h*ll did I miss?