Posted on 08/28/2020 6:02:23 AM PDT by Colonial35
During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level. So I described a typical day this way: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake.” Inspired by my story, the doctor said, “You must be some outdoorsman!” “No,” I replied, “I’m just a $hitty golfer.”
Eeeewwww
1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
2 – “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
3 – You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pi$$ing you off.
4 – Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down.
I’ll remember it.”
6 – “On time” is when you get there.
7 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
8 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes,
then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
9 – Lately, You’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
10 – Growing old should have taken longer.
11 – Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.
12 – You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
Ted Nugent
How Deer Think Deer Hunting Story
Even if you don’t care about hunting...Gotta Love Ted!
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed
by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist.
The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked,
‘What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?
Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?
Nugent replied, ‘Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away.
They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.’
When you’re from the country, your perception is a little different.
An Iowa farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,
and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are,
if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”’
The boy thought for a moment.
“You would have to talk to Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog,
but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home
but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
“May I see your identification, please?” asked the agent.
“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replied the guy.
“Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,” said the agent.
“But I can prove I’m an American!” he exclaimed. “I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush
on the other.”
“This I gotta see,” replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
“By golly, you’re right!” exclaimed the agent. “Have a safe trip back to
Chicago.”
Thanks!” he said. “But how did you know I was from Chicago?”
The agent replied, “I recognized Obama in the middle.”
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Alabama.”
THE JEWISH GRANDMA
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow , push 3.
When you get out, I’m on the left.
With your elbow , hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but,
why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
“What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?”
LOL !
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy,
I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail
and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely NOT!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
“Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
I became confused when I heard the word “Service “ used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said
he had hired a bull to ‘Service’ a few cows.
BAM !!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard;
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home
and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall,
curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard,
walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is
and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my
house for a nap.’
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3
he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an
illegal alien runs across the field.
The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.
“You can’t do that!” cried the Coloradan.
“No, no, it’s legal here in Texas” replies the Texan.
Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the
roof of his truck to open the door.
Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Coloradan thinks “No problem” draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.
As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
“But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!”
protests the Coloradan.
“Well yeah,” says the cop, “but you can’t use bait.”
MEDICAL ALERT...
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a
highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally,
by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you get WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via
any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your
private life entirely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one
or all of these three antidotes -
Really Urgent Medicine (RUM),
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been
completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.
If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK
is controlling your life.
Can you believe it?
The IRS sent my income tax return form back to me!
In response to question # 4, “Do you have any dependants?”
I replied :
12 million illegal immigrants,
7.1 million crack heads,
16 million unemployed people,
2 million people in prison
and about 600 idiots in Congress.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
Who the h*ll did I miss?
Thanks...I needed several chuckles today.
I woke up in the hospital with the Doctor next to me.
I said “Doc, how am I doing?”
He said “Mercury is rising in Uranus.”
I said “Doc, I’m not into that astrology stuff.”
He said “Me, neither. While you were asleep, I tried to take your temperature and my rectal thermometer broke.”
You have to have patience to be a doctor
“Imagine you’re a deer...”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pp2XgymiTG8
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