Posted on 05/09/2020 12:11:52 PM PDT by sodpoodle
1.Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. 2.I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 3.I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 4.My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. 5.I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed. 6.My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home. 7.Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands. 8.A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!" 9.The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. 10.Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs. 11.When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs. 12.My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't" 13.What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto. 14.What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey. 15.My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. 16.I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. 17.Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well. 18.I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming. 19.Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope. 20.A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. 21.I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work. 22.What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. 23.Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way. 24.Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired! 25.Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet. 26.My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort. 27.Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it. 28.When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream? 29.As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. 30.How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physcho path
God bless
It looked better before I posted it;( dagnabbit!
Lol... Some of those are witty. All qualify as dumb dad jokes so I’ll certainly use tell some to my kids.
FRegards,
Jd
Bookmark
Those are good TY for the link
check the link for dumb dad jokes;)
1.Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
2.I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
3.I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
4.My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
5.I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
6.My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
7.Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
8.A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
9.The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
10.Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
11.When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
12.My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
13.What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
14.What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
15.My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
16.I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
17.Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
18.I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
19.Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
20.A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
21.I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
22.What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
23.Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
24.Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
25.Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
26.My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
27.Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
28.When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
29.As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
30.How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physcho path
Read them as if Steven Wright told them. It helps.
LOL
And back to the Plandemic...
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk, she offers to answer questions from the kids.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. “Kenny,” the little boy says. “And what is your question, Kenny?” Hillary says.
“Who killed Jeffrey Epstein?”, Kenny asks.
Just then the bell rings for lunch. Hillary tells the students that they will continue talking after lunch. When they resume, Hillary says, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”
A little girl - Alice - puts her hand up. Hillary points to her and asks her what her name is.
“Alice,” she says. “What is your question, Alice?” Hillary asks.
“I have two questions,” Alice says. “First - Why did the lunch bell go off two hours early? And second - where is Kenny?”
LOL.... this ought to be a good thread.
Neighbor:”Hey Al, my wife’s making me roast beef for diner, what are you having?
Al Bundy: “If I was the Mailman I’d be having your wife.”
Nice.
Excellent Al Bundy line!
By the way,
Trump voters: Al Bundy, Ted Bundy, Steve Rhoades
Biden voter: Marcie Rhoades
Will write-in Bernie Sanders: Kelly Bundy
Won’t bother to vote: Peg Bundy
True!
Aw, hell. I meant Bud Bundy, not Ted Bundy there. I’ve been watching too many of those True Crime shows on TV.
Wait a minute. It’s not my fault. The ‘Married With Children’ writers shouldn’t have picked ‘Bundy’ as the family’s last name. Something more neutral should have been used.
Yeah Bud will vote Trump but Ted will vote Biden because he’s dead.
OK who has the Steve Wright picture?
Definitely his one liners...guy’s a lunatic...
“Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.”
“What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”
“A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”
“I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”
“My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.”
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