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1.Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
2.I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
3.I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
4.My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
5.I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
6.My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
7.Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
8.A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
9.The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
10.Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
11.When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
12.My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
13.What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
14.What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
15.My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
16.I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
17.Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
18.I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
19.Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
20.A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
21.I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
22.What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
23.Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
24.Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
25.Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
26.My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
27.Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
28.When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
29.As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
30.How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physcho path

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk, she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. “Kenny,” the little boy says. “And what is your question, Kenny?” Hillary says.

“Who killed Jeffrey Epstein?”, Kenny asks.

Just then the bell rings for lunch. Hillary tells the students that they will continue talking after lunch. When they resume, Hillary says, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

A little girl - Alice - puts her hand up. Hillary points to her and asks her what her name is.

“Alice,” she says. “What is your question, Alice?” Hillary asks.

“I have two questions,” Alice says. “First - Why did the lunch bell go off two hours early? And second - where is Kenny?”

“Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.”

“What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”

“I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

“My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.”

Martha Stewart's Advice to Red Necks:

General
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining In Your Home
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside The Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings
Livestock is usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux.
A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.