Posted on 04/10/2020 5:28:37 AM PDT by Colonial35
Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had. After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Michael replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...." "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newspaper office to pay for her husband’s death notice. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman took a look and said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and changed it to: “Pete died. Boat for sale”.
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.”
The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!” St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.
They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?”
St. Peter just laughs and says “You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!”
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple: I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.
Let the silliness begin!
From a Jack Benny Radio Show episode: Jack is telling his butler Rochester about his trip back home and how he saw lots of people he grew up with. He says, “I even saw the kid I had my first fist fight with! I met her husband, too!”
In the days of old, when Knights were bold, ladies were taken to the tournaments. They excitedly dressed in their finest finery to see and to be seen. It was my honor to escort the lady Geneva, the sister of the duke to the event.
She was not too well versed on just exactly what was transpiring but was eager to choose a champion and to wager the 50 florins in her purse. I carefully explained the jousting course and how the knights rode towards each other, lances lowered to unhorse their opponent.
We reviewed the warriors. There was Sir Geffery Dilandsworth wearing the gleaming armor and carrying the shield with the distinctive blue and white checkered shield. There was Sir Albert Truan in the black armor and a green pennant of Vaud rippling from his lance, there was Sir Gilbane De Valier, lord of St Gelbert manor on the huge gray charger and there was Sir Zagnoc Miclicokye Earl of the Chech barony in the wonderful red chain mail mantle over his shoulders Aegis like.
After the first round, half were eliminated and so it went till there were only 6 left. My lady, a thrifty sort still had her florins and was deciding how best to wager. She cried out to Sir Albert and waved her lace kerchief and then pointed to the bold knight and swooned “Is that Sir Zagnoc with the pretty shield”?’
“Of course not “ I responded……”How many times must I tell you, The chech’s in the mail”
One guy was walking through the Artic when suddenly he faces a hungry polar bear. He, incorrectly, tries to outran the bear only to be captured a few seconds after. He dismays with the impact from the bear paw and, in split second, wakes up laying in the ground and facing the polar bear fangs right above him. The guy is a Christian and his last resort is to pray: “Oh my Gosh, please turns this bear also into a Christian!”.
Astonished, he sees the polar bear raising its paws, in a movement similar to a pray and, more amazingly, saying in perfect English: “Oh Lord, I faithfully thank you for the meal you provided!”.
These threads would go 1000+/- posts.
ROTFLOL!!!
Just my kind of low humor!
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