A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South DAKOTA. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in South DAKOTA. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
Don’t you just love old people!!!
Yea! I missed these.
ROBOT FOR SALE:
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, “I did some homework.”
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok, I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, “Toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what p*rn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”
The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered..
“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada..... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno ‘
That was funny!
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds” Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head.” The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”
A herd of cattle wandered into a marijuana patch.
Yes. The steaks are high.
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.
“That would be me,” replied old rancher John.
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him non-stop.
From morning until night, she was always complaining and nagging about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule so he made sure he tried to plow as much as possible.
One day, he was out plowing when his wife brought him his lunch out to the field.
He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a tree stump, and began to eat his lunch.
His wife then began nagging him again. Nag, nag, nag, it just went on and on.
Then suddenly, the mule lashed out with both back legs. He caught her smack in the back of the head killing her straight away.
At the funeral a few days later, the minister noticed something strange.
Whenever a woman mourner went to talk to the old farmer, he’d listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement.
But when a male mourner talked to him, he’d listen for a minute, then shake his head.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, he spoke to the farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on ebay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on ebay) and ran it up the flag pole ...
Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can’t pat us down.
Hot Damn — Safe at last –
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
If you get an Email with “Knock, Knock” in the subject line, don’t open it.
It’s just a Jehovah’s Witness missionary working from home.
SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel to various situations. The situations are based on actual case studies from a well-known educational institution and represent a cross section of test data correlated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations as well as the soundness of each decision selected. There are eight multiple choice questions. Read each question thoroughly. Place an “X” by the answer you feel is most correctly justified by the circumstances given. Be prepared to justify your decision.
You have 4 minutes to complete the test.
1. You have prepared a proposal for the Regional Director of Purchasing for your largest customer. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your sales to his company by 200%. In the middle of your proposal the customer leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee. You:
a) Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
b) Ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases.
c) Take a leak in his “out” basket.
2. You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking about what could be your biggest sale of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion’s attention to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in your motel. She walks over to your table and introduces herself as your client’s daughter. Your next move is to:
a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
b) Pretend you’ve forgotten how to speak English.
c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.
3. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you’ve ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner causing three water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to pass out. What you should do next is:
a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has dissipated.
b) Point out their chief executive and accuse him of the act.
c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
4. You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a “No-No,” you:
a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion bury your forefinger in your right nostril up to the third joint.
b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose in your sock.
5. You have just spent the evening with a supplier who invited you to an all-night boilermaker drinking party. You get home just in time to go to work. You stagger to the men’s bathroom and spend the next half-hour vomiting. As you’re washing up at the sink, the sales training director walks up, blows his cigar in your face, and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:
a) Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsion at the front of his Hart, Shaffner and Marx.
b) Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the fact he’ll never recognize your green face.
c) Grasp his hand and pump it until he pees his pants.
6. You are having dinner with a customer and his wife, who looks like the regional runner-up at the Janet Reno look-alike contest. Halfway through dinner you feel a hand on your lap. Being resourceful, you:
a) Accidentally spill hot coffee in your lap.
b) Slip a note to the waiter to have your customer paged and see if the hand goes away when he does.
c) Excuse yourself and go to the men’s room. If he follows, don’t come out of the stall until your shorts rot.
7. You are on your way in to see your best account when your zipper breaks and you discover that you forgot to put on your shorts that morning. You decide to:
a) Call on the customer’s secretary instead.
b) Explain that you were just “trolling” to make new friends.
c) Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the nearest playground.
8. It’s January and you have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin. You tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
a) Ask what position she played.
b) Ask if she’s still working the streets.
c) Pretend you’re suffering from amnesia and don’t remember your name.
(STOP – YOU’RE FINISHED!)
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
(told to me by my 17=year-old son)
A Rancher was complaining about his young wife: “I just can’t keep my hands off her.”
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big gator, “what have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small gator.
“Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat’em!”
“Same here.” says the big gator. “Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?” “I eat the Democrats” says the little guy.
“Ah!” says the big gator. “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Democrat, there’s nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase.”