Posted on 03/27/2020 6:26:26 AM PDT by Colonial35
An old priest lay dying in a Hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. Yes, Father?” said the nurse. “I would really like to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest. I’ll see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Chuck and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest As they went to the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images. Nancy couldn’t help but agree. When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy‘s hand in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. Finally Nancy spoke. Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end The old priest slowly replied, I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The old priest continued He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same! Kinda brings a smile to your face doesn’t it
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him non-stop.
From morning until night, she was always complaining and nagging about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule so he made sure he tried to plow as much as possible.
One day, he was out plowing when his wife brought him his lunch out to the field.
He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a tree stump, and began to eat his lunch.
His wife then began nagging him again. Nag, nag, nag, it just went on and on.
Then suddenly, the mule lashed out with both back legs. He caught her smack in the back of the head killing her straight away.
At the funeral a few days later, the minister noticed something strange.
Whenever a woman mourner went to talk to the old farmer, he’d listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement.
But when a male mourner talked to him, he’d listen for a minute, then shake his head.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, he spoke to the farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on ebay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on ebay) and ran it up the flag pole ...
Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can’t pat us down.
Hot Damn — Safe at last –
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
If you get an Email with “Knock, Knock” in the subject line, don’t open it.
It’s just a Jehovah’s Witness missionary working from home.
SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel to various situations. The situations are based on actual case studies from a well-known educational institution and represent a cross section of test data correlated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations as well as the soundness of each decision selected. There are eight multiple choice questions. Read each question thoroughly. Place an “X” by the answer you feel is most correctly justified by the circumstances given. Be prepared to justify your decision.
You have 4 minutes to complete the test.
1. You have prepared a proposal for the Regional Director of Purchasing for your largest customer. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your sales to his company by 200%. In the middle of your proposal the customer leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee. You:
a) Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
b) Ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases.
c) Take a leak in his “out” basket.
2. You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking about what could be your biggest sale of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion’s attention to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in your motel. She walks over to your table and introduces herself as your client’s daughter. Your next move is to:
a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
b) Pretend you’ve forgotten how to speak English.
c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.
3. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you’ve ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner causing three water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to pass out. What you should do next is:
a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has dissipated.
b) Point out their chief executive and accuse him of the act.
c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
4. You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a “No-No,” you:
a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion bury your forefinger in your right nostril up to the third joint.
b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose in your sock.
5. You have just spent the evening with a supplier who invited you to an all-night boilermaker drinking party. You get home just in time to go to work. You stagger to the men’s bathroom and spend the next half-hour vomiting. As you’re washing up at the sink, the sales training director walks up, blows his cigar in your face, and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:
a) Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsion at the front of his Hart, Shaffner and Marx.
b) Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the fact he’ll never recognize your green face.
c) Grasp his hand and pump it until he pees his pants.
6. You are having dinner with a customer and his wife, who looks like the regional runner-up at the Janet Reno look-alike contest. Halfway through dinner you feel a hand on your lap. Being resourceful, you:
a) Accidentally spill hot coffee in your lap.
b) Slip a note to the waiter to have your customer paged and see if the hand goes away when he does.
c) Excuse yourself and go to the men’s room. If he follows, don’t come out of the stall until your shorts rot.
7. You are on your way in to see your best account when your zipper breaks and you discover that you forgot to put on your shorts that morning. You decide to:
a) Call on the customer’s secretary instead.
b) Explain that you were just “trolling” to make new friends.
c) Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the nearest playground.
8. It’s January and you have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin. You tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
a) Ask what position she played.
b) Ask if she’s still working the streets.
c) Pretend you’re suffering from amnesia and don’t remember your name.
(STOP – YOU’RE FINISHED!)
But that is not a joke!
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
(told to me by my 17=year-old son)
A Rancher was complaining about his young wife: “I just can’t keep my hands off her.”
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