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Paid Mourners Weep As Bloomberg Exits Primary(satire)
The Babylon Bee ^ | 3/4/20

Posted on 03/05/2020 10:44:39 AM PST by Impala64ssa

NEW YORK, NY—Moments after Mike Bloomberg announced he was suspending his campaign, the Bloomberg campaign office was filled with inconsolable mourners, who were compensated handsomely.

No, Mike, don't drop out -- please!" screamed one woman as she sobbed uncontrollably for the nice sum of $2,500. "We need you! America needs you! We love you, Mike!"

One mourner was seen rolling around on the ground screaming. Another was quieter and more reflective, as he was only paid $50. A high-ranking campaign staffer was reportedly paid over $50,000 to commit seppuku to restore honor to his name after failing the great Mike Bloomberg.

To end the memorial for his campaign, Bloomberg pulled out the world's tiniest violin and played a somber tune, though it was just a normal-sized violin in comparison with him (because he is small).

"Now that I'm done, I guess I'll go to Disneyland," Bloomberg joked, although he probably won't have much fun at Disneyland since he cannot ride most of the attractions (again, the height thing).


TOPICS: Humor; Society
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; bloomberg; dnc; satire
Wellll... he could teach farmers how to plant, being that a snake's ass IS close to the ground.
1 posted on 03/05/2020 10:44:39 AM PST by Impala64ssa
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To: Impala64ssa

Seriesly were I Biden I would choose Minie Mike for VP. As a candidate he could thenself finance the entire campaign without restriction and spend 5 Billion between Aug and Nov. That would bury the nationin Biden ads.


2 posted on 03/05/2020 10:56:25 AM PST by xkaydet65
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To: Impala64ssa

3 posted on 03/05/2020 10:57:00 AM PST by Liz (Our side has 8 trillion bullets; the other side doesn't know which bathroom to use<.)
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To: xkaydet65
Seriously were I Biden I would choose Mini Mike for VP. As a candidate he could then self finance the entire campaign without restriction and spend 5 billion between Aug and Nov. That would bury the nation in Biden ads.

Bloomturd's astronomically sized ego would never accept a VP position.
4 posted on 03/05/2020 11:09:46 AM PST by akalinin
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To: xkaydet65

I wouldn’t be surprised if Mini Mike made being VP choice a condition for continued funding of Biden’s campaign. He proved you can’t buy the Presidency, but maybe he can buy the Vice-Presidency. Plus, given Biden’s mental state, an invocation of the 25th Amendment shortly after the inauguration wouldn’t really be shocking, so maybe he IS buying the Presidency.


5 posted on 03/05/2020 11:13:34 AM PST by stremba
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To: xkaydet65

I would like to see a Biden-Bloomberg ticket, only because there’s an outside possibility that Biden would carry Bloomberg around in a backpack, like Master Blaster in Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior.


6 posted on 03/05/2020 11:16:34 AM PST by Boogieman
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To: Impala64ssa

” A high-ranking campaign staffer was reported to have been paid over $50,000 to commit seppuku to restore honor ...”

YOU’RE KILLING ME SMALLS !!


7 posted on 03/05/2020 11:18:54 AM PST by A strike ( Ecclesiastes 10:2)
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To: Impala64ssa

OK I totally bought it - until the seppuku thing ;’}


8 posted on 03/05/2020 11:19:16 AM PST by rockrr ( Everything is different now...)
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To: rockrr

Yeah, that would cost at least $5 Million.


9 posted on 03/05/2020 11:52:54 AM PST by jospehm20
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To: Impala64ssa
Another was quieter and more reflective, as he was only paid $50.

Hilarious!
10 posted on 03/05/2020 11:55:20 AM PST by \/\/ayne (I regret that I have but one subscription cancellation notice to give to my local newspaper.)
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To: Impala64ssa

Time for a new folk song

Where Have All The Paid Bloomberg Bloggers Gone?


11 posted on 03/05/2020 11:56:52 AM PST by a fool in paradise (Everyone knows Hillary was corrupt, lied, destroyed documents, and influenced witnesses. Rat crime.)
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To: Boogieman

Think of it as Pinky and The Brain


12 posted on 03/05/2020 1:38:52 PM PST by xkaydet65
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To: Impala64ssa

You beat me in posting this. I laughed my butt off at this one.


13 posted on 03/05/2020 6:52:39 PM PST by Forgiven_Sinner (Seek you first the kingdom of God, and all things will be given to you.)
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