Posted on 06/18/2019 6:40:00 AM PDT by LesbianThespianGymnasticMidget
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – A local software innovator has created the perfect armor for deflecting individual accountability in the form of a new app called Blame-a-Lyzer, which helps you select just the right target group of people who have absolutely nothing to do with your life that you can blame for most, if not all, of your personal problems.
Blame-a-Lyzer creator Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown said the idea for the app just “came to him” when he slipped off the edge of his toilet while hanging a clock in his bathroom and hit his head on the sink.
“I was so embarrassed,” said Brown. “I had this big bandage on my forehead, and I was just trying to imagine how I was going to explain it to people. I must’ve spent an hour trying to come up with a story that didn’t make me look like a complete idiot. Finally, I decided to blame my dog, Einstein, for the fall. But afterward I got to thinking – why did I waste so much time coming up with a scapegoat for something that was my own fault? Then I thought – why not create an app that will do it for me so I don’t have to waste the time? I mean, the alternative was to just take responsibility from the get-go, and brother, THAT ain’t happening!”
After testing a simple prototype version that blamed plausible adverse circumstances (like running out of gas, having a flat tire, not having enough money for cab fare, your tux not coming back from the cleaners, an old friend coming in from out of town, someone stealing your car, an earthquake, a terrible flood, and locusts) for people’s failures and disappointments, Brown was inspired to expand the list to make it more marketable.
“I figured why just blame circumstances when you can blame people you already don’t like,” Brown said. “The best part being that there doesn’t have to be a plausible connection – or any connection at all – between you and the blamee. I found that the more groups I added, the more money I made from the app – which is MY kind of positive feedback loop. I added ‘the rich’ and sales doubled. I added ‘corporations’ and sales doubled again. I added ‘Prius owners’ and sales tripled. Man! NOBODY likes those guys!”
While Blame-a-Lyzer is currently the top-selling app on both iTunes and Google Play, it does have its detractors, some quite vocal, like dissatisfied customer Arthur Branch.
“Tried it. Didn’t like it. Said so out loud. Dang thing said Nazis were to blame for making me buy it. Then I noticed the app was set on ‘liberal’. So I hit the override button and said *I* was to blame for my own mistakes. Then the stupid thing called ME a Nazi. So I shot it. Now I don’t have a phone. But at least I know I only have myself to blame.”
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