Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown
Posted on 06/18/2019 6:40:00 AM PDT by LesbianThespianGymnasticMidget
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – A local software innovator has created the perfect armor for deflecting individual accountability in the form of a new app called Blame-a-Lyzer, which helps you select just the right target group of people who have absolutely nothing to do with your life that you can blame for most, if not all, of your personal problems.
Blame-a-Lyzer creator Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown said the idea for the app just “came to him” when he slipped off the edge of his toilet while hanging a clock in his bathroom and hit his head on the sink.
“I was so embarrassed,” said Brown. “I had this big bandage on my forehead, and I was just trying to imagine how I was going to explain it to people. I must’ve spent an hour trying to come up with a story that didn’t make me look like a complete idiot. Finally, I decided to blame my dog, Einstein, for the fall. But afterward I got to thinking – why did I waste so much time coming up with a scapegoat for something that was my own fault? Then I thought – why not create an app that will do it for me so I don’t have to waste the time? I mean, the alternative was to just take responsibility from the get-go, and brother, THAT ain’t happening!”
After testing a simple prototype version that blamed plausible adverse circumstances (like running out of gas, having a flat tire, not having enough money for cab fare, your tux not coming back from the cleaners, an old friend coming in from out of town, someone stealing your car, an earthquake, a terrible flood, and locusts) for people’s failures and disappointments, Brown was inspired to expand the list to make it more marketable.
“I figured why just blame circumstances when you can blame people you already don’t like,” Brown said. “The best part being that there doesn’t have to be a plausible connection – or any connection at all – between you and the blamee. I found that the more groups I added, the more money I made from the app – which is MY kind of positive feedback loop. I added ‘the rich’ and sales doubled. I added ‘corporations’ and sales doubled again. I added ‘Prius owners’ and sales tripled. Man! NOBODY likes those guys!”
While Blame-a-Lyzer is currently the top-selling app on both iTunes and Google Play, it does have its detractors, some quite vocal, like dissatisfied customer Arthur Branch.
“Tried it. Didn’t like it. Said so out loud. Dang thing said Nazis were to blame for making me buy it. Then I noticed the app was set on ‘liberal’. So I hit the override button and said *I* was to blame for my own mistakes. Then the stupid thing called ME a Nazi. So I shot it. Now I don’t have a phone. But at least I know I only have myself to blame.”
I’m picturing a spinning wheel with 100 places to stop and 99 are “White People”.
Uh, auto-default to TRUMP?
1/2 of it is “Da Jooooooos” with the other 1/2 being the rest of civil society, grouped of course.
This is so damn stupid it has to be real.
The US is so over!
The San Francisco model should also have a “Brag vapidly about how long I’ve lived in sh*tty San Francisco” feature.
No. NO.
It is truly scientific. Half the time is says “Chronic Gum Disease” and the rest of the time it says “Ancient Aliens.”
for leftards: evil Christian capitalist society
Which brings up a point, should these spinning wheels of blame be mounted flat (like wheel of fortune) but under a bed? Or upright and in an Anxiety Closet?
I code. Ask nice enough and I might make it.
Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown
Don’t recognize the doctor’s name?
He’s finally invented something that works.
You don’t need an app, just ask a woman. Their rationalization hamsters blame-shift AND guilt-shame at tge same time.
Not mine. Of course mine is an engineer. Logic and fact based. I know, it sounds crazy, but they do exist and are more common than leprechauns, though barely.
I’m an admitter. Just can’t help it. Sometimes even if I didn’t do it I’ll say I did just to get the dam lectures over. I admit to all the really stupid crap I do. I, and the people I admit it to, get quite a laugh out of it. Like recently I was running my dog with my bike. We were on the last run home when she just stopped. I looked back and yep she was trying to take a dump right in the middle of the street. I’m 5’9” and have long legs so bought a brand new, really big bike so I don’t feel like a hamster in a wheel trying to ride the thing. Well, when she stopped to take her dump I stopped, put my foot down, my ankle turned, and I fell over with the bike landing right on top of me. So there I was in the middle of the road with a big old black bike laying on top of me and my dog on a leash behind me squatting to take a dump. All in slow motion. I thought it was pretty darn funny and told everyone she’s trying to kill me.
Yep. I’m an admitter.
White males are to blame for all the poverty among POC.
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