Posted on 04/29/2019 1:15:19 PM PDT by sodpoodle
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea but he had never held a golf club in his hands. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None who plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there's a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" asked the Pope.
"Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
Good one!
thx;)
Ruth and Sarah were walking along Kahaneman St. in Bnei Brak. Ruth says, “My son Lipa is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... the matchmaker thinks she may have a disease called herpes.”
Sarah ask: “Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?”
Ruth replies, “No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Lipa’s engagement - it’s time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?”
“Well,” says Sarah, “I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I’ll look it up and call you.”
So Sarah goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. “Ruth, I found it. No worries. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles.”
As the threesome was waiting at the first tee box for the group ahead to clear the green, they discussed how much of their potential winnings to donate to their respective houses of worship.
The Reverend suggest drawing a three foot circle on the ground, throwing the money into the air, and donating anything that falls outside of the circle.
The Priest suggests to throw the money very high, and donate anything that falls within the circle.
The Rabbi suggests to throw the money as high as humanly possible, and "whatever God wants, God keeps."
Leo Rosten, is that you?
Beat me to it.
Yeah, but can the Pope give you Total Consciousness on your deathbed?
You hear about the short-sighted mohel?
He got the sack.
Shlomo the tailor was a very successful tailor in London, England. He made formal wear for all the important royals, and even made Winston Churchill’s suits during WWII. He did a great job, had a Royal Appointment, and was very well respected.
After many years of service, the Queen decided that he should be knighted for his loyal service, much to his joy and pride.
Shlomo, despite rubbing elbows with royalty for 50 years, was a humble and simple man. He had never been to an event where his fine suits were worn. So he asked a client what the proper procedure was. The client explained the dress, the process, and even the knighting ceremony to him. The hardest part was he had to memorize a phrase in Latin for when he was actually knighted.
He made himself a fine set of formal wear, got a good hair cut and beard trim, and set out to memorize the procedure and the phrase.
Well, the big day came. He and the other knights-to-be was taken to the castle in a carriage. Walked down the red carpet among all the beaming people, so happy to see him honored at last. He watched the honorees, kneel before the Queen.
They would each get down on one knee, bow, and she would touch his (or her, there were, indeed several lady knights) shoulder with the sword. They would say the Latin phrase. Then they would switch knees, she would touch the knight on the other shoulder with the sword, and they would arise, a Knight of the Kingdom.
Well, it got to be Shlomo’s turn. He approached the Queen, got down on his knee, she touched his shoulder with the sword.
And he blanked on the Latin phrase. Completely blank.
Panicked, he said the first non-English phrase that came to his mind: “Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam, she’heheyanu v’kiy’manu v’higi’anu la’z’man ha’ze!”
The Queen then touched his other shoulder. Once again, Shlomo said: “Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam, she’heheyanu v’kiy’manu v’higi’anu la’z’man ha’ze!”
Puzzled, the Queen turned to her advisor and asked: “Why is this knight different from all the other knights?
Shlomo and Sarah had been married 50 years. Shlomo was almost blind, but could hear fine. Sarah could see great, but was almost deaf. So Sarah would do the driving. They had a nice large Cadillac.
One day they had gone to the city and were pulled over by a trooper. Sarah rolled do”Do you know how fast you were going?”
Sarah turned to Shlomo “Vadt? Vadt did he say?” she said.
Shlmo turned to Sarah and yelled: “HE ASKED IF YOU KNEW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING!”
Well, no, no she didn’t. She was just going along with traffic.
“Let me see your license and registration,” commanded the trooper.
Again, Sarah turned to Shlomo “Vadt!? Vadt did he say?”
Shlomo again yelled “HE ASKED FOR YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION.”
Sarah got her license and registration and gave it to the trooper.
The trooper looked at the license. “I see you are live in Cherry Hill. The meanest woman I ever dated was from Cherry Hill.”
And again Sarah turned to Shlomo, “Vadt!? Vadt did he say?”
Shlomo replied: “HE SAID HE KNOWS YOUR SISTER!”
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. ‘Goodness,’ says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, ‘Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.’
The man says, ‘I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,’ and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, ‘Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.’
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, ‘I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?’
The golfer says, ‘It’s great! I hit under par every time.’
The leprechaun says, ‘I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?’
The golfer says, ‘Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.’
The leprechaun smiles and says, ‘I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?’
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, ‘It’s great ! maybe once or twice a week.’
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, ‘Great is once or twice a week?!’
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, ‘Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’
A proud Jewish grandmother took her grandson to Miami Beach. She gets him all settled on the sand with his little outfit and pail and shovel, then lays back on her beach chair enjoying the sun. Just then, a large wave rushes in and carries the baby out to sea. The woman jumps up and shakes her fist towards heaven yelling, “Godt, how could you do this?! This baby nine months in his mother’s womb barely two years with us! How could you let this happen?!”
Just then, another wave comes washing into shore leaving the baby at her feet, completely unharmed. He wasn’t even crying. She looks down at him, then back up to the heavens, then back down at the baby again. Looking up once again, she says, “He had a hat!”
True story: I used to work with a sweet elderly Jewish man and one day he said to me, “You know, I always drink Sanka coffee.” “Why do you always drink Sanka coffee?”, I asked him. He answered, “Because it’s 97% caffeine free, and I figure if I can get the caffeine free, I’ll drink the coffee!”
A minister gets a haircut. “What do I owe you?” he asks the barber.
The barber replies, “I can’t change you, Reverend. You are a man of the cloth.”
The next morning, the barber shoes up for work and there are twelve loaves of bread on the steps with a thank you note signed by the minister.
That day, a priest comes in and gets a haircut. Same thing happens. “What do I owe you?” He asks. The barber tells him he can’t possibly charge a man of the cloth like the priest.
The next morning the barber arrives at his shop to find twelve bottles of wine on the front steps with a note from the priest.
That day, a rabbi comes in for a haircut. When he offers to pay, the barber refuses his money, telling him he could never charge a holy man such as himself.
The next morning, the barber shows up for work and finds twelve rabbis on the front steps.
How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. “That’s okay, I’ll just sit here in the dark.”
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