Posted on 01/31/2019 7:54:10 AM PST by sodpoodle
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer; and he threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
A blond tells the doctor: “whenever i drink tea that has sugar in it i get a stinging sensation in one of my eyes!”
doctor says, “try taking the spoon out first”
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful blond woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.
“To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”
“”A long time ago, when I was blond;)””
I am so sorry - until you said that and I looked at your FR profile, I thought you were a male. Never, ever ASSUME!
Check these out:
United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings..’If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.’
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‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’
‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’
The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.’
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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’
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‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’
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‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.’
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the as-phalt.’
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’
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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways..’
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.’
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!’
Silence followed, and after few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
A passenger in coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!’
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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”
He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”
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I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY !!!
I like that. Many years ago, a coworker and I went to lunch at a Sacramento hotel dining room. My husband occasionally ate there also on his lunch hour and one day he was sitting at the counter eating when we walked in and my friend leaned down and whispered in his ear and my husband yelled, “FIFTY DOLLARS!” She was mortified but everyone else got a laugh.
Standing there naked, the doctor is overcome with passion. He begins to caress her breasts, He asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?” She says, “You are checking for lumps and signs of breast cancer.” He inserts his finger into her vagina and begins a massage. He asks, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” She says, “You are checking for vaginal warts and other signs of STD”
Overcome with lust, he drops his pants and penetrates the woman. He asks, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” She says, “You are getting Herpes, which is why I came here in the first place”
LOL!!!
There are a couple of things to remember when traveling:
(For fans of “Gunsmoke”) Never get on a stagecoach with Miss Kitty. Something bad WILL happen.
Don’t go ANYWHERE with Tom Hanks. Things like these will happen:
1. You end up getting shot in two different wars. (Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan)
2. Your ship gets hijacked by Somali pirates. (Captain Phillips)
3. Your plane goes down in the Hudson river. (Sully)
4. You get stranded on a desert island. (Cast Away)
5. Your spaceship explodes. (Apollo 13)
6. You get AIDS. (Philadelphia)
7. You end up the neighbor of the guy who killed John Wayne. (The ‘Burbs - Bruce Dern)
8. Your house falls apart all around you. (The Money Pit)
lol....
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