Posted on 08/18/2017 5:25:53 AM PDT by sodpoodle
A lady failed the driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass.
But the test had the same question : “You are driving at 120 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff.
On the road, you see a old man and a young man. What will you hit ?”.
The woman walked up to the examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question in all four ways, wall,
cliff, young man, old man. Yet I failed all the four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit ????”
The answer is;
THE BRAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman as he smiled smugly, “How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?”
“OK,” she said. “ Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is ?”
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To that the little girl replied, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”
And then, she went back to reading her book.
Subject: The Potential Son-in-Law
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
“So, what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.
“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied.
“A biblical scholar, hmmm?” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”
“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this, and, each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, honey?”
The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”
OUTSTANDING!
And O, so true!
A “laff”, something desperately needed this morning.
Thanks, SP
Sarah, a female retirement home resident, loved to get a rise out of the new arrivals.
She’d burst into the newest addition’s room, throw open her robe to reveal her fully naked body, and yell “Super Sex!”
Sarah reveled in her victims’ shocked reactions.
One morning, she inflicted her routine on the community’s latest addition, George.
Bursting into George’s room, Sarah threw open her robe and shouted “Super Sex!”
George, reclined in his bed, looked up from his paper. He calmly looked Sarah up and down, a bored expression on his face, and replied:
“The soup, I guess.”
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Is the cat there?” “Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
I don’t get it...
..............so funny I sent it on to my big list! (have small, medium & large)....
thanks for posting
Super Sex = Soup or Sex
LMAO! Great one!
I made the mistake of drinking my tea while I read that one. Now I’ll be going through my work day with tea on my blouse!
It just hit me....still early :) Thanks for the Friday levity!
SUP er Sex
soup or sex
He repeats this process the next morning at 8:00 a.m., demanding to be let in to see that "SOB Obama", but the Marine replies, again that Obama is no longer the President and President Donald Trump is now in charge.
On the third day, after the man asked again to see Obama, the Marine said, "Sir, every day you come here demanding to see President Obama and every day I tell you that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and Trump is the new president. Why?
The old man said he just liked hearing it.
"See you again tomorrow, sir." replied the Marine.
Soup or sex..................
I am guessing you would choose the sex.
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too”.....
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