A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman as he smiled smugly, “How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?”
“OK,” she said. “ Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is ?”
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To that the little girl replied, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”
And then, she went back to reading her book.
Sarah, a female retirement home resident, loved to get a rise out of the new arrivals.
She’d burst into the newest addition’s room, throw open her robe to reveal her fully naked body, and yell “Super Sex!”
Sarah reveled in her victims’ shocked reactions.
One morning, she inflicted her routine on the community’s latest addition, George.
Bursting into George’s room, Sarah threw open her robe and shouted “Super Sex!”
George, reclined in his bed, looked up from his paper. He calmly looked Sarah up and down, a bored expression on his face, and replied:
“The soup, I guess.”
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Is the cat there?” “Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
He repeats this process the next morning at 8:00 a.m., demanding to be let in to see that "SOB Obama", but the Marine replies, again that Obama is no longer the President and President Donald Trump is now in charge.
On the third day, after the man asked again to see Obama, the Marine said, "Sir, every day you come here demanding to see President Obama and every day I tell you that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and Trump is the new president. Why?
The old man said he just liked hearing it.
"See you again tomorrow, sir." replied the Marine.
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too”.....
There's nothing left but de Brie.
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”
“Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies. “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all. The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that
the lawyer didn’t donate any money to charity, despite making over $1m that year. “First of all,” says the lawyer, “my mother is bedridden and gets no
help from social services. Second, I have five kids through three divorce
marriages. Third, my sister’s husband recently died and she has no one to
support her four children.” “I’m terribly sorry,” says the charity worker,
“I feel bad about asking for your money.” “So you should,” replies the
lawyer. “If I’m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?”