Friday Fun

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge"

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time"

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

AN ARKANSAS DOG STORY

A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend - he calls home.

“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him over here with $1,000” the young Arkie says, “and I’ll get him in the course.” So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his Father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his Father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.

“Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does”.

“Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so - is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”

The Father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Daddy!

“That’s my boy!”

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a liar his girlfriend turned out to be!

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. When he got him on the line, he said, “Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she said she recently invested $3,000 in a picture that she thinks will bring a minimum of $10 million. I think she could be right.”

Saul replied, “That’s great! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The picture is of you going into a motel with your secretary.”

""So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?” ....too funny! My Contribution follows

IT SUDDENLY HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!!!

I Just Realized Something:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~ · MY dog is A CONGRESSMAN!!!

A group of four golfers went to the clubhouse to complain to the course manager about they group playing ahead of them.

It seems the group was incredibly slow and would not let them play through.

Upon hearing their complaints the manager said, “Those golfers were all blind golfers from the local rest home, and they had special permission to play.”

Three of the complainers were taken aback by this new revelation and immediately rescinded their complaint.

The course manager asked the fourth man if he would take back his complaint, as well.

“No!” he emphatically replied, “If they are all blind, then they should have played at night!”...............................

Another old couple joke:

The couple had been married for many years. One evening the man turned to his wife and said, “Mabel, I’ve been thinking. Soon after we were engaged, I was drafted and sent to war. And you were there for me.

When I was wounded in action, you were there for me. Remember the car accident soon after my discharge? You were there for me. Then there was the factory job. I got laid off just three days before I was eligible for a pension. Again, you were there for me.

Mabel, I’ve been thinking. You’re bad luck.”

This little boy hid in his parents bedroom closet as he wanted to see what
took place in their room when the doors were locked.

As he peeked thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her
boyfriend going at it. Suddenly the boys father comes home. The wife
wisks her boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in.

After several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here."
Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement. After a few more minutes
the boy says "Wanna buy my baseball glove?" The man asks "How much?" In
reply the boy says $50. The man agrees. Several more minutes pass when
the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for $50 as well.
The man reluctantly agrees.

After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet,
and too upset too continue she sends him on his way.

The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll
of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where did that come
from?, to which her son replied "Can't say." The mother asks again and
upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to get in the car.

The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get into the confessional
and tell the priest where he got the money. When the priest slid the
door over the boy said"Boy it's dark in here, to which the priest replied,
"Don't start that shit again!"

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat a rumor...

In ancient Greece(469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

Wait a moment, Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

Triple filter?, asked the man. "That's right," Socrates continued.

Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?

No, the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

All right, said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not".
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?

No, Socrates, on the contrary...
So, Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
No, not really

Well, concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife

A man has been working in the same job for years. Time after time, he is passed over for promotion. There are only small pay raises. When he comes home and tells the family the bad news, his wife lays into him with what “the Jones’ have” and they don't. Then the kids start talking enviously about the neighbor's new boat or car or... The poor guy can never do enough to make them happy.

One morning driving to work, stuck in traffic, and after a similar depressing evening sharing the news of yet another lost raise opportunity, he sees a monastery. He thinks “why not?! I've had enough of this rat race!!” He pulls to the curb, leaves the keys in the car and goes in leaving it all behind.

The head monk is glad to accept him. He tells the guy there are some conditions though. “You need to work for your keep”

“No problem” says the man.

“And you need to take a vow of silence. However, once a year you will be allowed to speak just two words”.

“I can easily do that too”, replies the man.

The first year goes by. The man is fitting right in, working in the garden, keeping his bare-bones room clean. In one year, he has not spoken one word.

The head monk calls him in to see him for his annual review. “You are fitting right in and doing a fine job here. Today is the day you get to speak your two words. Now, my friend, what are they?”

The man thinks for a second and then says “Bed hard”.

The head monk says “So noted. Keep up the good work and I'll see you next year”.

Another year of silence and humble work goes by and the man is again called in for his review. “Again, this is your time to speak your 2 words. May I ask what they are?”, asks the monk.

“Food cold”, says the man.

“Again, so noted”, says the monk. “See you next year.”

The third year review takes place. Again, the monk says to the man “And what are your two words this year, friend?”.

The man, with out hesitation, says “I quit!”.

“Well,”, says the head monk, “that doesn't surprise me. Ever since you came here, it has been complain, complain, complain !”

Here's another one I got today:

He is a Very Fast Drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What’ll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have"

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

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