Posted on 12/23/2016 3:56:13 PM PST by JoeProBono
In HateSong, we ask our favorite musicians, writers, comedians, actors, and so forth to expound on the one song they hate most in the world.
The hater: Kyle Kinane hates a lot of things: unsliced pizza, boasting about voting, and those Subway ads where adults talk in child voices. Thus, on the eve of Kinane’s Comedy Central special Whiskey Icarus, The A.V. Club thought it only fitting—and in keeping with the season—to ask the comedian about his least favorite Christmas song.
The hated: “The Little Drummer Boy,” originally written in 1941
Kyle Kinane: Musically, there’s nothing wrong with the song. It’s the lyrics. First off, the song is about not having anything to give to baby Jesus, so you play the drum. You don’t play a drum at a baby. That’s never been a good idea in the history of the world, playing a drum at a newborn baby. That’s stupid.
And then it says, “Mary nodded.” Meaning the new mom is like, “You know what? I just gave birth, I got a newborn, go ahead and play a drum at my kid’s face. That’s what I want right now.” This is a stupid, stupid premise. And half the lyrics are singing drum sounds. You sing, “Pa-rum-pum-pum.” It’s singing drum sounds when there’s a drum in the song. And that’s stupid. You’re singing the sound of an instrument that’s also playing in the song—dumbest song in the world. It’s an entirely unnecessary song.
The A.V. Club: Are there any versions of it you like? There have been a million covers.
KK: Well, yeah, because it’s a Christmas song. Everybody just covers a Christmas song automatically because it’s a cash-grab. It’s just the worst.
AVC: This song also isn’t short. It clocks in at about three and a half minutes.
KK: Because as long as you keep saying “Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum,” as long as you keep singing the stupid sound of the instruments—it’s just… ugh.
AVC: It’s supposedly based on a 12th-century legend about a juggler who juggles before the statue of the Virgin Mary, and then the Virgin Mary statue smiles or throws him a rose.
KK: It’s based on a guy that juggled in front of a statue? Mary got excited about a juggler? Live human beings don’t get that excited about jugglers, let alone statues coming to life.
AVC: This is obviously a religious song, but it’s almost pious to the point of ridiculousness. Mary, the most virtuous woman in the world, and baby Jesus, they’re totally fine with drumming as a gift.
KK: At best, she was being polite, because she knew what she was involved in. It’s like she’s the First Lady or something, and someone said, “Oh, I want to play a drum for your kid.” You’d have to be like, “Ugh, I’ve got to let this happen.”
AVC: Are there any Christmas songs you do like?
KK: For some reason, I like “Winter Wonderland.” I will just randomly sing it year-round. It’s a catchy one. Normally, Christmas songs, I’m put off by, but yeah, “Winter Wonderland” sung in the middle of the summer—not just for irony, but for the fact that it’s a change of the pace of the big summer hits—I enjoy it.
AVC: Did you ever work in retail around Christmas?
KK: No. I think one of the driving factors is that I can’t handle the torture of that repetitive music. [Laughs.] Even just having to walk into retail places and hear all of it, and just see the faces of people that have had to deal with it.
Like I said here at FR earlier today: Some people hate this song. It was always one of my favorites for some reason. I always like the more traditional renderings (i.e. closer to the original) of it, however.
I tend to agree with this. I love Christmas music, but I hate this song. I liked it as a kid, though. I also don’t care for Rudolph or Frosty.
Sorry, not my fav.
I’m one of the haters. I think it is because every musician has done a version of it so it gets a disproportionate amount of air time. I’m parum-pa-pummed out by Thanksgiving.
My personal favorite Christmas Hymn - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxAAG4-Ucr8
The song gets a lot better if you imagine it with a raunchy blues guitar and the Bo Diddley beat.
I agree. It’s not McArthur Park, but still pretty silly lyrics. This is my idea of what Christmas music should sound like
I’m a hater, too.
I love this song in traditional version.
Which part of (I am a poor boy too...I have no gift to bring...That’s fit to give the King...Shall I play for you...
On my drum?) does this guy not understand? And that drums don’t always have to be played loudly? Ra-pa-pa-pum isn’t bang, bang, bang, after all.
I have always liked it.
“The Little Drummer Boy” is a beautiful song, for maybe the first 35 minutes. But eventually it gets on your nerves, those voices shrieking “rum-pa-pa-pum!”
For openers, drums do not go “rum-pa-pa-pum.” Drums go “rat-a-tat-tat.” Also I have issues with the line from “The Little Drummer Boy” that goes: “The ox and lamb kept time.”
Really? How? Did they clack their hooves together, castanet-style? Did they dance? Are we supposed to believe that two barnyard animals with legume-level IQs spontaneously started doing the macarena?
I’ll tell you this: If I were taking care of a newborn baby, and somebody came around whacking on a drum, that person would find himself at the emergency room having his drumsticks surgically removed from his rum-pa-pa-pum, if you know what I mean.
—Dave Barry
Well... to make it work, one has to imagine the Holy Child wouldn’t be crying (yet). Also a little kid with a drum might not be a common sight in 0 C.E. Bethlehem, at a time when everybody there just wants to pay his Roman taxes and go back home. So it is mixing scenarios, almost a virtual scenario. (Where is IBM when you need it? But again, this would have needed Jesus to be born in Galilee, not Bethlehem Ephratha.)
It’s more of a parable-flavored legend than anything that would be a reasonable reading of the Christmas story. The Catalan song we know in English as Carol of the Birds is that way, as another example. It gets the significance of the Holy Birth across in metaphor — and God is quite gracious about such things, as they will lead to an appreciation of the spirit of Christ — but there seems to be no support for a literal occurrence. Let it be a parable and it is fine.
I rocked.
And this explains my stellar career as a world-famous stage performer.
Nonsense aside, the Drummer Boy offers to "play my drum for Him" because "I am a poor boy too" and it's all he has to offer. It's a gift given of love, and while the song may get tedious, the sentiments decidedly do not.
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