Seems she's been talking to her divorced friends and they've been telling her all the tricks of how to push my buttons and get everything she can from me. Make it as painful as possible I suppose, but I'm not going to go there.
I'm going to smile. Give up what I have to. What the law says I must and not a penny more. Then I walk away. Never to be seen again by her.
So let this serve as a warning to you men who are in unhappy marriages and want to get out: be prepared to give up a lot. Know what the divorce laws in your state say you must do, know the minimum's you must do, and do them. Only them. Everything else you'll need to decide if it's worth fighting over. Divorce is nothing more than a business transaction (or: "the screwing you get for the screwing you got.")
If you're really angry and want to get even with her, the only ones who benefit from that are the lawyers. You lose no matter what. If you fight over things and money, decide who you want to lose to, and how much. (Hint: the Lawyers know how to manipulate you to get as much as they can. Oddly, so does a soon to be ex-wife. One of them is going to get the money if you fight over things -- so decide who'll get it because you won't.)
As for me, I feel it's important for me to walk away with my integrity intact. I'm not out to screw her out of as much as I can financially, quite the opposite. I want to make sure I do what's required -- and no more. What the law says I must, and not a penny more. One day she'll realize what she did to herself from a financial well-being perspective as well as from an emotional and spiritual perspective. When it's all over and our children know the truth as to why the divorce happened I wouldn't want to be her. (They already think she's nuts.)
Ladies who read the thread (above) that spurred this post all I can say to you is this: If you have a good man and you love him, make sure he knows. Stop reading now, go wrap your arms around him and tell him so. Remind him often, and for no reason at all. Build the bonds of intimacy and keep them strong. That's the best way to keep a good man. (Feeding him helps too. We're simple beings: Love us, feed us, give us sex.)
If you have a good man and aren't doing the above, how about starting right now?
As for me, I'm off to figure out what the rest of my life looks like and how I'm going to get there. I know there's a good woman out there for me and I'm going to find her.
It’s the wife who files for divorce in about two-thirds of divorce cases, at least among couples who have children. The most remarked reason for doing so was “there was no longer any love in the marriage”.
I remember a song by Tina Turner. What’s love got to do with it?
Love is in the eye of the beholder. Some people can’t stay in “horny teenage passionate love” forever. What about respectful love, or growing old together love? We in America have a TV and movie warped idea about love anyway, that just isn’t real—or healthy.
My divorce has made me a cynic. I don’t hate women, but I can’t see I’d ever want to chance marriage again.
“And I’ve been with her for 30 years. 36 if you count the time we were dating. That’s 36 years of my life that I spent 100% dedicated to this woman, willing to DIE for her, that I won’t get back.”
Warning signs:
Six years of dating - dating someone who could not develop any close relationships you say - and you married her anyway?
You say she is 52. You’ve been with her for 36 years. That means you started dating when she was 16. Most teenage romance don’t blossom into good marriages these days.
I feel sorry for you, your wife, and you kids. I DO NOT MEAN THAT IS SOME SORT OF PATRONIZING WAY. I genuinely hate to see marriages fail.
I am fortunate to have a very decent marriage to a good woman that is approaching 30 years. But I don't take it for granted. As a man, I realize that at any time, I could return from work to find myself locked out of my house with a restraining order served on me. Not that I would ever harm my wife but I understand that under our legal system, she has the power to lodge an unsubstantiated charge against me for no reason whatsoever and the courts will take her side. She can call a lawyer tomorrow and have a court order against me in hours - no questions asked. And my MIL, who never liked me, would encourage her and give her advice (she was divorced and knows all the ropes). I know men who had this very thing happen to them with no warning whatsoever. The woman decided she "wasn't happy" or she "needed a change" or she needed to "think things through." The woman has all the power and the man must abide by the courts who will invariably rule in her favor.
The upside for men is that we tend to bounce back quickly from these setbacks and start life anew. My observation is that ex-husbands are almost always happier then ex-wives over the long run.
Good luck and keep us posted. I never saw the original thread but I bookmarked it to read later.
I wish you all the best. I will pray for you.
I was betrayed by an unfaithful woman my first marriage that ended 26 years ago July. It has taken me this long to financially recover wholly from that debacle. I was lucky and found a loving patient woman five years later but that marriage ended in tragedy in 2001. Since then from age 47 to 63 I haven’t found another woman that is honest and not a gold digger. I am looking forward to retiring and selling out and moving to an area to a log cabin home of around 1000 square feet on a mountain near a trout bearing river. I don’t hate women, I just cannot trust them. Unfortunately the few women I have chosen to date since her loss possess pure evil and I have quit dating altogether. My last date was three years ago. My dog gives me comfort.
I’d been wondering how you’d been getting on of late, mate. Sorry to hear that things have not improved.
Just remember that there are many of us out here who understand completely what you are going through and wish you all the best. Wish it could have turned out better, of course, but take heart that those of us who have gone through what you are now experiencing will be the first to tell you that there are much better days to come.
Remember some of what I related to you about what My ex- had done in regards to she and I, and know that you are doing the right thing in not attempting to make things worse by making it a war, but better because you are attempting to find a way to simply walk away.
My last one ripped what I used to believe in to shreds, but I am doing much better now and quite content with things as they now come to pass.
If I were there with you, rest assured we would be spending many days drinking beer, barbequeing, watching action flicks and introducing each other to many new friends and acquaintances. S’truth!
Give it some time. You will be amazed at how much acceptance of your new freedom will come to mean to you. :)]]
Cheers!
Genesis 3:16:
To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
When women are allowed upset the God’s order of husbandly rule then civilizations crumble.
Do you love your wife?
Brother, I have been where you are.
If you have to go to court, don’t go before a female Special Master. I did and I’m still paying for it. She was a man-hating feminazi.
Don’t expect your church to understand your decision either. Mine didn’t and still doesn’t.
‘Pod.
When it comes to divorce in this country the laws are punitive towards men as if the woman is innocent in the failure of the marriage relationship.
You can watch Divorce Corp” on Netflix. Trailer. - http://www.divorcecorp.com/the-film/
“Family” Court is pure tyranny. It is entrenched, and hard to change in states because the lawmakers themselves are lawyer.
Even as you appear to be in the final stages legally, be careful.
On a personal level: stay strong spiritually, physically, socially, and at work. As many have said, emotionally it will get much better.
www.mgtow.com
IF ONLY I had known of this 30 years ago. also this:
BRIFFAULT’S LAW:
The female, not the male, determines all the conditions of the animal family. Where the female can derive no benefit from association with the male, no such association takes place. — Robert Briffault, The Mothers, I, 191.
In other words, If you have nothing to offer a woman which she considers a benefit, you don’t have a chance. If you have offered something in the past, the question “what have you done for me lately” is usually followed by the woman “trading up” to another man who can offer even more.
Robert Stephen Briffault (1876 – 11 December 1948) was trained as a surgeon, but found fame as a social anthropologist and in later life as a novelist, he wrote these words over 60 years ago and they are just as true today as they were back then, if not more so.
In this day and age where women are conditioned to be princesses from an early age, the man is also conditioned not just to be the provider bit also to cater for her every whim.
If for anyone reason the woman is unhappy, she can drop the man at the drop of a hat, drain him of his resources and then move on to the next victim.
I have seen this happen many times over my life and I came to the conclusion in my 20’s that marriage just isn’t worth the risk for most men.
Sure, I know that there are still some women out there that are decent but they are hard to find thanks to the misandric education system, media brainwashing and just plain selfishness.
Today men are constantly shamed for being men but women are never shamed for some of their own instincts that can lead to bad and unfair behaviour.
One of these is Hypergamy (colloquially referred to as “marrying up”) is the act or practice of marrying a spouse of higher caste or status than oneself.
In a society that is trying to encourage gender equality, it certainly isn’t making it isn’t easier or offering any true incentive for a man to want to get married or even want a long term relationship.
Add to this women are the gender that pushes for marriage yet at the same time initiate most divorces and in most divorces can take more than half of what a man owns and in some cases a huge proportion of his retirement funds.
In closing, I pose this question for every thinking male reading these words...
Is marriage worth the risk?
Been following your story since the beginning. My situation was different than yours in that with 13 years of marriage we still had 3 small children in the home.
I knew I couldn’t make it until the youngest was 18.
Everything was my fault - Check
Bat Shit Crazy - Check
Divorce stinks - check
But I am writing to you to say: Just wait until you meet a woman who loves you the way you need to be loved. Just wait. I was so accustomed to the way the ex treated me that when another woman showed me something different, it rocked my world.
I am getting married next month and am entirely happy and fulfilled and I thank God daily.
PS The kids figure it out without having to say much. I have had all 3 of my kids more than 50% of the time since the separation until now. I just try not to rag on their mom because they still love their mom.
Fight and fight hard. If you lay down her lawyers will take note and come back every few years to take what you’ve earned on your own. Until you get her signature that says there will be no more claims and it is settled 100% forever she will come back.
My parents were married for 29 years. Had my mother not died (53, breast cancer) they might have eventually gotten divorced.
Unfortunately, I would have sided with my father. (I’m a woman, BTW.)
My mother had rages & mood swings. She was lose herself — got dangerous when she was mad. It was terrifying. My dad avoided coming home. My mother took it out on us, her kids.
My father wasn’t blameless. He might have been self-absorbed. But he was a good provider, and never violent. (Sarcastic at times, but never outright abusive.) He later remarried to a more gentle woman.
The issue here is mental illness. A person might be attracted to the other for looks or personality, then discover the werewolf later. While there probably is no such thing as an amicable divorce, spouses like these get particularly vengeful, because of their inherent character defect.
As in Proverbs: “Charm is vain, and beauty is empty.” Probably too many men make the mistake of falling for a woman’s external qualities — looks or personality — while overlooking the more important: character & temperament. It’s easy to hate women after a bitter experience.
I know I’ll be flamed into ashes here, but I’m of the opinion that the mentally ill should not get married. Even with medication, there are often behavioral, emotional, or cognitive issues.
Wishing you smooth sailing, as much as that is possible.
Sorry it has come to this, I’ve read the threads and am re-living what I had gone through as well. After all the years and the children you’ve been blessed with, there will be moments of sadness and disbelief. As you’ve stated here, I too did the whole ‘what would/could I possibly say before God as to why this marriage failed’ and did what I believed was everything in my power to avoid divorce. It’s a challenge to reconcile that part of it, imho. Time does heal and bring comfort and resolution. Best of luck ~