ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference

Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

[ArGee]

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."

[Monkey Face]

Nope. These places were built in 1973, so the ceilings are pretty high. This is desert, and these apartments originally had swamp coolers, so again, the ceilings are high.

I have no idea what I will do today, besides write to my grandson and fold clothes.

My life is so very exciting!

[Tax-chick]

He was Warden of the Cinque Ports?

[Tax-chick]

I pulled something in my leg last night, playing soccer with the Tiger Cubs, but it’s better today. Shouldn’t affect my gym trip tomorrow afternoon, unless I do something stupid between now and then.

I’m on a quest for the checks for the General Fund, but they haven’t turned up yet. I wonder if we’re out ...

[moose07]

That’s 50 points to Tax-chick. :)

[Tax-chick]

Woo-hoo!

Haven’t found the checks, but I found the staple.

[Tax-chick]

Stapler.

[null and void]

DARKS! Caution! She has a stapler!

[Tax-chick]

And a staple!

[NicknamedBob]

"Haven’t found the checks, but I found the staple."

Ooh, like that's hard to do. It's usually right around the belly-button.

[moose07]

Could this lead to an uncontrolled build up of stationary?
Office based ICBMs could be underdevelopment as we speak!

[Tax-chick]

We have a book about making weapons from small household items. I think it’s in Bill and Tom’s room.

Off to Weight Watchers. I’ll have to pay, but at least I’ll see friends!

[Monkey Face]

Good morning, Nully! How are you doing in the far north 40?

[Monkey Face]

Oooh, I hate when I pull something in my leg. I usually manage to do it in the thigh muscles. Drat. I hope it’s OK for tomorrow.

[Monkey Face]

So this was good news and bad news. Or was it bad news first?

Are the checks with the register? If not, look at the number of the last check you wrote and it should tell you if you need to order more.

:o]

[Monkey Face]

*tagline*

[null and void]

Not quite 40. I’m happier below 37.

[Monkey Face]

I’d be happier below 60.

[null and void]

That's way too far north! That's like Санкт-Петербу́рг north. No thanks.

[Monkey Face]

That’s a joke, son... ;o]

[null and void]

To some degree...