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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Covenantor

There were Scratch Fury tree eye ornaments once.
I should have printed one out.


741 posted on 12/22/2015 5:08:28 AM PST by Darksheare (Those who support liberal "Republicans" summarily support every action by same.)
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To: Monkey Face

Jake’s is a dog bed.

DP tried to go to the office, but came back saying the roads are blocked. I still might try to get to Weight Watchers, since it’s the other direction.


742 posted on 12/22/2015 5:08:58 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Covenantor

http://www.pvponline.com/images/blog/kringus-eyes.pdf

Oooohhh.. Found them.


743 posted on 12/22/2015 5:13:14 AM PST by Darksheare (Those who support liberal "Republicans" summarily support every action by same.)
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To: Tax-chick

Blocked roads in NC?

I don’t know what I will do today. Probably try to clean house a little because one of my great nieces (the family with the little girl who has leukemia) is coming through next week on their way to visit a cousin in AZ.

And I’m so slow at that I need extra time.

It was 57 when I woke up, so I won’t need to heat the bathroom up too much before my shower.

(Man! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’ve had to make almost a dozen [make that a dozen and three] corrections so far in this post!)


744 posted on 12/22/2015 5:38:48 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: NicknamedBob

The dialer was under the heel, so it coulnd’t be acccidentally accessed. (It was also rotary)

Nobody with a flip phone ever butt-dialed anyone.


745 posted on 12/22/2015 6:59:00 AM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: Covenantor

I kid you not. One year my FIL visited my BIL and BIL was screwing the tree stand into the floor.

No cats that I know of.


746 posted on 12/22/2015 7:01:25 AM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: Monkey Face

One of the apps your system is set to run on start-up is doing that. Everything I see on-line says it should never have gotten to a point where you could download it and set it to run. It’s probably junk and not likely anything you really wanted running on start-up.

Are you running Windoze 8, 8.1 or 10? Open your Task Mangler by typing CTRL-SHIFT-ESC and click the More Details link. Switch to the Startup tab and disable any junk there you don’t know you need. Feel free to send a list if you’re unsure.


747 posted on 12/22/2015 7:05:55 AM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: Monkey Face
It was 57 when I woke up

Woah! You *are* slow. I wake up once every day. It's been almost 50 years since it was '57.

748 posted on 12/22/2015 7:09:01 AM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: ArGee

Win 10, but I’m really thinking of going back to Win 8.1, as that’s what was installed in this thing. If I reformat, that’s where it will go...

I’ve copied all my pics and documents to the Slave, so I’m good with whatever has to be done.


749 posted on 12/22/2015 7:14:20 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: ArGee

Almost 60 years.

Too early for maths.


750 posted on 12/22/2015 7:20:33 AM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: Monkey Face

Try disabling start-ups first.


751 posted on 12/22/2015 7:20:51 AM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: All

Everything I needed to know about race I learned from Star Wars in 1977.

Darth Vader covered his features in all black so black is bad.

Wait, his Storm Troopers covered their features in all white so white is bad.

But the fighter pilots covered their features in all black so black is really bad.

But the leadership didn’t cover their features, and all of them were white, so white is bad.

You know what, nevermind. I’ll stick with never trust a wookie.


752 posted on 12/22/2015 7:22:51 AM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: ArGee

I don’t know what I can safely disable.

There are so many of them... :o|


753 posted on 12/22/2015 7:25:40 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: ArGee

You escaped P C !!


754 posted on 12/22/2015 7:59:27 AM PST by stephenjohnbanker (My Batting Average( 1,000) since Nov 2014 (GOPe is that easy to read))
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To: Monkey Face

Feel free to share a list.


755 posted on 12/22/2015 8:09:03 AM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: Monkey Face

Heavy rain. It has let up now, so it’s getting better. However, I guess Monroe has spent some money on drainage, because I had no trouble getting there the “back” way. I lost 3.6.


756 posted on 12/22/2015 8:14:01 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: ArGee

I tried to copy it but it didn’t work. So I would need to write it out, then copy hit here. LONG list! 50 something..

And then it seems there are sub files. Even longer list.


757 posted on 12/22/2015 8:17:55 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: Tax-chick

Wow. I wish I could lose 3.6.

Right now I’m so frustrated with this computer, I want some Adult Beverage. I’m not feeling good to begin with, and this balky PC is making me wish I owned a vineyard.

There wasn’t enough to get anything to drink, yesterday, so that was depressing. And on top of that, I had an awful night, with the night sweats waking me up every hour or so. And then I began to think, and that’s always lethal because I think about the wrong things, and that’s depressing.


758 posted on 12/22/2015 8:27:36 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: Monkey Face

Computers are a real pain.

Today is Pat’s birthday: he’s 14.


759 posted on 12/22/2015 8:37:21 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Monkey Face

You can work in bits. Do 5 or 10 at a time.


760 posted on 12/22/2015 8:54:51 AM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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