ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference

Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

[ArGee]

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."

[Gefn]

That isn’t a dog. It’s a ball of floof with two eyes and a tongue.

[Gefn]

Tan puppy on pink quilt. If I was to have a puppy I want him/her.

[Tax-chick]

[Gefn]

Although tan puppy has big paws. I’d have to get a bigger bed for him to sleep with me.

[Gefn]

I will share him with Face. :)

[Tax-chick]

[Tax-chick]

I think that’s going to be quite a large dog.

[null and void]

Oggie IS the opener.

Good oggie!

[Gefn]

Tom Selleck was and is a handsome man.

[null and void]

Fighters all!

I'll say! I know one who had half her face torn off in a brutal traffic accident, and was left for dead. If you met her today you'd never even know.

[Gefn]

I think he’s going to be a large dog too.

I wish my apartment complex allowed dogs. I’d really like one,

[Monkey Face]

I will NOT share him with Gefn!

[null and void]

California Spangled?

[Monkey Face]

*tagline*

[null and void]

Noni?

[null and void]

Yep. Frequently.

[Gefn]

That is ok. The way I feel today I would rather have a puppy.

[Monkey Face]

LOL! I was just messin’ with ya, Girl! I’d rather have a puppy, too! I mean, at my age, what would I do with a Tom Selleck, anyway?

[Monkey Face]

Iknowhuh?

[null and void]

*nully raising hand and jumping up and down* I know! I know!! I know!!!