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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Covenantor

We use C-zero these days, because you guys have used up the entire world supply of F-zero. :)


521 posted on 12/19/2015 4:55:38 AM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: moose07

Working 24/7 to supply a barely adequate supply of F-Zero.

;>)


522 posted on 12/19/2015 4:58:09 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: moose07

Well played, well played


523 posted on 12/19/2015 4:58:53 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: Covenantor; moose07

Good one! Moose07 means 0-C, while I have 28-F.


524 posted on 12/19/2015 5:02:30 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Covenantor

Was that a 4 or 6 ?
These things are important. :)


525 posted on 12/19/2015 5:08:26 AM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: moose07
What??

That flew past so quick, I didn't see it coming.

Next time I'll be ready.

gnome,gnome,gnome....pew,pew,pew

526 posted on 12/19/2015 5:17:15 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: Covenantor; Tax-chick

Even the Garden ornaments are Armed!
“Don’t walk on the grass, the Gnome has a Barret 50.”

4 and 6 are cricket scores.
If I explain it, TC will throw something heavy at me....


527 posted on 12/19/2015 5:22:28 AM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: Tax-chick

Chilly here, haven’t check the potting shed thermometer yet. Waiting to check winter solstice shadow alignment now that we have some sun.

There are two straight pines which shadows should align shortly. The seeming oddity of a tree having two shadows @180 degrees. See if I can grab a snap.


528 posted on 12/19/2015 5:24:47 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: moose07

Cricket....ah well, cricket...says it all, dunnit.

IIRC, aside from the maths wonks Bletchly Park was avid for Cricket score keepers as decryption floggers. Marvelous they were, beyond human comprehension, it is said.


529 posted on 12/19/2015 5:59:34 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: Tax-chick; moose07; Covenantor

Well...I’m here. Not happy but here. I slept until 0530, and when I booted up the PC Avast wanted to update. So it updated, and when it was done, I read the posts since my last one, then took a shower.

Now I need to take my pills and hope today is better than yesterday was!

I need a haircut pretty badly. It needs to be evened up. Back in the day, I did it myself all the time, but arthritis in the joints I need to use precludes me from doing it now. :o[

At least I can get the documents printed and sent to my son. Hopefully, he will have them before Friday, but he lives in Arkansas, and everything seems to get there by mule train.

36, SE @ 7, 46%, wind chill, 28. GAH!!


530 posted on 12/19/2015 6:37:20 AM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: Gefn

You should come out here where there is sunshine and a nice view! Where I live, one can see the entire Las Vegas Valley and it is spectacular at night!

*hugs*

I’ve been alone for more Christmases than I’ve had with family and/or friends, and I have adjusted. I don’t necessarily like it, but I’m used to it. It is what it is.

*hugs*


531 posted on 12/19/2015 6:40:17 AM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: Covenantor

LoL
Careful.....I’ll explain the rules.... :)


532 posted on 12/19/2015 7:20:23 AM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: Monkey Face

Good morning ‘Face.
No Ducks on the pond here, today.


533 posted on 12/19/2015 7:22:33 AM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: moose07

Morning, Moosie!

I think I’ll have a cup of tea this morning, but there are no crumpets to go with it, so I will settle for Russian rye toast.

The sun is coming in the window, and that makes me feel good. SAD is pretty ugly, but living in this climate helps alleviate some of the symptoms.


534 posted on 12/19/2015 7:39:59 AM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: Monkey Face

Tea is the only way to start the day.....(no bias or anything.)
:)
The sun has given up for the day now.
A few more days until the shortest day , then the cold weather will undoubtedly arrive.

Snowmen and tobogganing,,,,,,yippee!


535 posted on 12/19/2015 7:45:48 AM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: moose07

I often start my day with tea, but I’m a newcomer to it. I used to drink black coffee, but these days, it has to have chocolate creamer in it!

I look forward to the shortest day from June 22 on!

Golly! I haven’t even seen a toboggan since I was a kid! Several of my friends had them, but I wasn’t a good driver! ;o]


536 posted on 12/19/2015 7:52:16 AM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: moose07; Tax-chick; Monkey Face

So far my cricket understanding extends til it topples over the chalk cliffs of Dover.

Lovely huge green sward, white clad figures take to the field, called a pitch but seems level to me, in distant mysterious positions posing still en tableaux for hours on end awaiting centuries to pass, some sticks get pounded into the turf, I am told they are akin to our base bags but not really, a well rounded rock-nattily attired in leather is put into play, a paddle called a bat is swung or not at the rock. Meanwhile the ‘at bat’ team not at bat lolls in shady patches with lissome young women with picnic baskets from Fortnum Mason, leading one to believe the batsman drew the short straw.

Something happens, movement maybe, random numbers are generated by the score keeper and are applauded by the cryptograhers in training....

and then I collapse in a fog, almost insensate stretching my arm to the waiting bottle of bourbon. Mystificated and stuned...ready to swim to the far shore.


537 posted on 12/19/2015 8:07:33 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: Covenantor; moose07; Constitutionalist Conservative

A lot of people were murdered because of cricket in Fletcher’s Cross, Midsomer.


538 posted on 12/19/2015 8:25:35 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick; All
Good morning UTers, Merry Christmas!


539 posted on 12/19/2015 8:34:18 AM PST by PROCON (It's not islamophobia, it's islamonausea)
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To: Tax-chick; moose07; Monkey Face

I am terminally unhip and never heard of the show. Had to look it up.

Having co-stars named Dudgeon and Nettles, it does make me smile.

On youtube?


540 posted on 12/19/2015 8:36:15 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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