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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Tax-chick

I will turn on the heat lamp in a few minutes so I can shower in the warmth, but I did NOT want to get up this morning. No stamina means I need naps. I took one yesterday, and will want one today when I get back from the doctor, I’m sure. I hate pushing myself. It just makes thing worse for an extended period.


4,341 posted on 02/25/2016 5:03:16 AM PST by Monkey Face (If God hasn't changed your circumstances, maybe He is waiting for your circumstances to change you.)
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To: Tax-chick

Yes. Yes I do.

And I’ve noticed something...my BP is lower overall. :o]

Imagine how much I will improve when I’m 120 miles northeast!


4,342 posted on 02/25/2016 5:06:17 AM PST by Monkey Face (If God hasn't changed your circumstances, maybe He is waiting for your circumstances to change you.)
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To: Monkey Face

I just had to help Bill iron his outfit. He really needs to get married.


4,343 posted on 02/25/2016 5:23:55 AM PST by Tax-chick (There's really nothing new to be said.)
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To: Tax-chick

No takers for Bill, yet? Wow. What’s he not doing?


4,344 posted on 02/25/2016 5:51:17 AM PST by Monkey Face (If God hasn't changed your circumstances, maybe He is waiting for your circumstances to change you.)
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To: Monkey Face

I don’t think he’s dating. Doesn’t have time, with school, the job, and the internship. Maybe he’ll meet someone working at the museum.


4,345 posted on 02/25/2016 5:55:19 AM PST by Tax-chick (There's really nothing new to be said.)
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To: Tax-chick

We can only hope.


4,346 posted on 02/25/2016 5:59:47 AM PST by Monkey Face (If God hasn't changed your circumstances, maybe He is waiting for your circumstances to change you.)
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To: Monkey Face

The ironing is a good instinct, even though he can’t quite manage it unassisted, yet. Everyone appreciates a young man who has made an extra effort.


4,347 posted on 02/25/2016 6:01:00 AM PST by Tax-chick (There's really nothing new to be said.)
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To: Monkey Face

Given the air quality in this city I’ve been trying to live without the air.

It’s not been a great compromize so far.


4,348 posted on 02/25/2016 6:10:02 AM PST by ArGee (Who is Sphincter Man? And why is he never photographed with ArGee?)
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To: Monkey Face; NoCmpromiz

Need to bring NC into the discussion.


4,349 posted on 02/25/2016 6:12:33 AM PST by ArGee (Who is Sphincter Man? And why is he never photographed with ArGee?)
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To: ArGee; NoCmpromiz

I have a hard time breathing around smokers. If they are on property, I just ask them if they could either not exhale, or go somewhere a long ways off to do so.

So there is No Compromiz. :o])


4,350 posted on 02/25/2016 6:37:45 AM PST by Monkey Face (If God hasn't changed your circumstances, maybe He is waiting for your circumstances to change you.)
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To: Tax-chick
Maybe he'll meet someone working at the museum.

Hope it's not a ghost...

4,351 posted on 02/25/2016 6:40:01 AM PST by null and void (This is "They live", and most people would rather fight you than put on the glasses...)
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To: null and void

Rumor has it that the FBI is offering Edward Snowden and Kevin Mitnick full pardons if they’ll crack an iPhone...


4,352 posted on 02/25/2016 6:59:29 AM PST by null and void (This is "They live", and most people would rather fight you than put on the glasses...)
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To: null and void

Well, yes ... but if he did, he could write a book and use his marketing skills to make it a best-seller. Then he could hire someone to keep house for him.

(This outcome is more probable than his marrying anyone who will do his dishes and laundry, unless she’s over 40.)


4,353 posted on 02/25/2016 7:04:37 AM PST by Tax-chick (There's really nothing new to be said.)
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To: Monkey Face; null and void; NicknamedBob; Covenantor

I hope your doctor appointment went okay. Elen was supposed to take the placement test for Central Piedmont this afternoon, but she forgot her ID. She can take it tomorrow morning. We were picking Tom up anyway. Then we went to Walmart.

Before I forget, I’m going to be away this weekend, which means there will be no Morning Kitteh on Saturday or Sunday. (I’m going to stay at some friends’ house in Mint Hill, which is about 20 minutes from here.) I will have my phone for emergency FReeping needs, but can’t do pictures.


4,354 posted on 02/25/2016 10:47:30 AM PST by Tax-chick (There's really nothing new to be said.)
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To: Tax-chick

I got all the way to Water Street and Lake Mead Parkway, and remembered that I was supposed to take in some paperwork for a “new body part,” so I had to turn around and come back. I parked, then ran in and got the papers, headed back out.

Before I left, I had made some coffee to drink on the way, and I should have stayed with water, which is what I usually do. Anyway, as soon as I got into the truck, I began having back spasms. Ungh.

By then, I was 20 minutes down according to the schedule I set for myself, in order to get there by 0800. And then there was the traffic. I walked in the door at two minutes to eight. *phew! I made it!*

When the nurse took my BP, it was 280/101. When I left, it was 188/83. Not great, but “white coat syndrome” struck again.

I have to have a procedure on my lower back, which is where the most pain is, and they want me to have it in March, but nothing is available except afternoon appointments, and I don’t want to come home in rush hour traffic.

And to make things worse, when I go for the follow-up after that, I will have to go another five miles...they are moving. *sigh*

In other news, *happy dance* I got a letter from St George Housing telling me I have been accepted and will be put on the wait list. The usual stipulations apply. :o]) So it is a day of mixed blessings, so far!


4,355 posted on 02/25/2016 11:15:06 AM PST by Monkey Face (If God hasn't changed your circumstances, maybe He is waiting for your circumstances to change you.)
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To: Tax-chick
"Before I forget, I'm going to be away this weekend, which means there will be no Morning Kitteh on Saturday or Sunday. (I'm going to stay at some friends' house in Mint Hill, which is about 20 minutes from here.) I will have my phone for emergency FReeping needs, but can't do pictures."

Have fun decompressing in the bunker. Don't forget your reading material.

4,356 posted on 02/25/2016 11:29:35 AM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: Monkey Face

That’s some pretty wild country you’re going to be crossing,there.
The Sheriff said he can send a Posse to escort you in from Mesquite.
But make sure all your men are wearing White hats, don’t want any ‘misunderstandings’ as you come over the border.


4,357 posted on 02/25/2016 1:05:54 PM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Put the Cheese down and step away.!)
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To: moose07

The worst of it is the drive through the “slot canyon,” (Virgin River Gorge) but I’ve driven it at least a hundred times, if not more. And besides...I have a cheering section waiting for me in St George!

But according to the letter at will be “at least a year,” so I’m good. Still looking forward to it, though!


4,358 posted on 02/25/2016 1:12:02 PM PST by Monkey Face (If God hasn't changed your circumstances, maybe He is waiting for your circumstances to change you.)
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To: Monkey Face

Great news about the housing. A place will open at the ideal time.


4,359 posted on 02/25/2016 1:20:41 PM PST by Tax-chick (There's really nothing new to be said.)
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To: NicknamedBob

I won’t forget reading material. Also writing material and coloring supplies. It will be silent there.


4,360 posted on 02/25/2016 1:22:51 PM PST by Tax-chick (There's really nothing new to be said.)
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