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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: null and void

People do that when they have to, as I’m always telling my kids.

I’m glad you’re getting better!


1,681 posted on 01/07/2016 4:41:00 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: NicknamedBob

Morning, Bob.


1,682 posted on 01/07/2016 4:41:14 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

Back at you. I had an interesting and challenging day yesterday. I could do with fewer of those.


1,683 posted on 01/07/2016 4:44:07 AM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: NicknamedBob

LOL!

I could use a day of Jake’s life.


1,684 posted on 01/07/2016 4:51:54 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

Awwww....SQUEEE!

Little ball of floof to start my day. Just what I need in all the gloom and dampness, lately.

Maintenance came and cleaned off my patio with the leaf blower and blew a bunch of them back inside the security door, under mat and some fine dust even made it inside the door. So much for insulation. So I had to go out and sweep that part all over again.

With the rains lately, all the leaves are soaked so he has been blowing them into piles and filling the Dumpster with them. That doesn’t sound very ecologically beneficial. But I don’t make the rules.


1,685 posted on 01/07/2016 4:53:10 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: null and void

I wish my Dell hadn’t broken down. I was hoping for a good computer after the ones I had been getting, but it was only good for about four months.

*sigh*

So I’m waiting for the email that says it will be coming back fixed.


1,686 posted on 01/07/2016 4:55:26 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: NicknamedBob

Interesting and challenging days remind us of how grateful we should be for the dull and mundane days. Those seem to be in plentiful supply for most of us!

Are you being flooded out like the rest of the country? Or just frozen?


1,687 posted on 01/07/2016 4:58:08 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

They could compost.

Trying to get everyone doing some useful work this morning. I have to go to the dentist at noon, and then over to church to make some copies for Stewardship.


1,688 posted on 01/07/2016 5:10:43 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Monkey Face

It has been cold here in the mornings recently; 19 Fahrenheit on Monday. But they’re saying it may rain on Friday.

Just typical for us on the east coast. I like to remind myself, you don’t have to shovel rain.


1,689 posted on 01/07/2016 5:11:09 AM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: Tax-chick

One would think composting would be a good idea, with lawns the size of these. Instead, they get rid of the compost and add artificial fertilizer. Go figger.

Hey! I just heard! This is the Year of the Monkey in the Chinese zodiac! Yay, me!


1,690 posted on 01/07/2016 5:26:22 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

Happy Year!


1,691 posted on 01/07/2016 5:29:16 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: NicknamedBob

Yep, I’ve said for years that one doesn’t have to shovel rain. But the snow is very beautiful if seen on the mountains that are 30, 60 and 75 miles away!

And all winter, I wish for summer and people think I’m nuts! My old bones don’t like the cold. :o|


1,692 posted on 01/07/2016 5:30:19 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Tax-chick

Thanks! Since it only comes every 12 years, I’ll make it a year to remember. The only thing is, I haven’t quite figured out how... ;o]


1,693 posted on 01/07/2016 5:32:54 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

*tagline*


1,694 posted on 01/07/2016 5:36:03 AM PST by Monkey Face (Set some goals. Stay quiet about them. Smash the dickens out of them. Clap for your damn self.)
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To: Monkey Face; NicknamedBob; Tax-chick; Gefn; moose07; Darksheare
Celebrating the Year of the Monkey

Chinese New Year Special---monkey costume for cats available from ali-baba, bulk quantities only.

1,695 posted on 01/07/2016 5:41:21 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: Covenantor

Kitteh doesn’t like that.


1,696 posted on 01/07/2016 5:44:51 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Covenantor

That’s just sad...cute, but sad, because bananas cause digestive upsets in kittehs’ stomachs.

But where are the ears??? LOL!


1,697 posted on 01/07/2016 5:47:16 AM PST by Monkey Face (Set some goals. Stay quiet about them. Smash the dickens out of them. Clap for your damn self.)
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To: Tax-chick
In China, kitty very happy wearing monkey suit. Better than being steamed dumpling dim sum course.


1,698 posted on 01/07/2016 5:48:32 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: Covenantor

Good point.


1,699 posted on 01/07/2016 5:53:08 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick; Covenantor

Yes, it is.


1,700 posted on 01/07/2016 6:06:48 AM PST by Monkey Face (Set some goals. Stay quiet about them. Smash the dickens out of them. Clap for your damn self.)
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