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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Monkey Face

Well go get it then! :)


1,101 posted on 12/27/2015 12:00:49 PM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: Monkey Face

Christmas was entertaining, thanks ‘Face.
Turkey and enough Veg to take the roof off the Albert Hall. :)


1,102 posted on 12/27/2015 12:02:42 PM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: moose07

I love turkey! I can eat it every day.

I’m glad it was safe for you and yours!

<3


1,103 posted on 12/27/2015 12:35:14 PM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: moose07; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Tax-chick; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

Today's tiny kitten does not do Monday.

1,104 posted on 12/28/2015 2:35:06 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

And neither does the general Undead population, it appears.


1,105 posted on 12/28/2015 4:19:13 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

If Mondays came with an automatic IV caffeine drip, they’d still be a hard slog.


1,106 posted on 12/28/2015 4:32:10 AM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: Tax-chick

I don’t do Mondays, but I’ve sent my clone to do this one for me.

I’m grateful I have a computer to use while my other one is down, not doing Mondays or any other days. Payday is coming, and I can’t be without a computer.

Fed-Ex will be handling the pick up and transport of said tool, so I don’t have to worry. I’m going to go to Walmart after the laundry is done and get the packing material.

Mr. Bill is filthy. What with the high winds blowing the dust around and the spotty rains, the truck looks like it has a light-colored leopard skin coat.

So payday, when I go to get gas, I will do it at the Circle K and get a free car wash. I need to remember to go there on paydays, so the truck will be clean once a month!


1,107 posted on 12/28/2015 4:34:17 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: NicknamedBob

That reminds me: I need a coffee...ungh...

Mornin’, Bob! Mornin’ T-c! :o]


1,108 posted on 12/28/2015 4:35:38 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: Monkey Face; Tax-chick

I don’t think it’s fair to expect much of a Monday.


1,109 posted on 12/28/2015 4:41:35 AM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: NicknamedBob

If only the week started on Tuesday.


1,110 posted on 12/28/2015 4:43:20 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

Or Wednesday.


1,111 posted on 12/28/2015 4:49:40 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: Tax-chick; NicknamedBob

After not even 24 hours with this computer, I can already see the difference. No wonder I was getting frustrated!

Of course, the track record on this one isn’t all that great, but for now, it beats the Dell. I can see now that the Dell was faulty to begin with, but after dealing with the trash that Aaron’s was putting forth for so long, I was used to slow and sluggish.

Now I can hardly wait to have it back!

I wish the laundry was already done!

Today is the first anniversary of Busdaddy’s mother’s death, and I miss that feisty little Dowager.


1,112 posted on 12/28/2015 4:56:54 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: Monkey Face

I’ll be out of here to go wash clothes in a bit, and It’s 29 degrees outside! Dang!

Summer can’t come too soon!

;o]

And yet...I’m drinking ice water! LOL!


1,113 posted on 12/28/2015 6:23:46 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: Monkey Face

I hope the new computer works out successfully. You had interesting times with the old Dowager; I’m sure you miss her sometimes.

We’ve been to the gym. After showers and an early lunch, we will go to the mall. The byos have been promised a trip to the Lego Store.


1,114 posted on 12/28/2015 6:58:06 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Monkey Face

I hope the new computer works out successfully. You had interesting times with the old Dowager; I’m sure you miss her sometimes.

We’ve been to the gym. After showers and an early lunch, we will go to the mall. The byos have been promised a trip to the Lego Store.


1,115 posted on 12/28/2015 6:58:06 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: moose07

Figures you’d get post 1066...


1,116 posted on 12/28/2015 7:00:20 AM PST by null and void (</x>)
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To: Monkey Face
I'm now working on my Favorites list. *sigh*

I hope we're on it!

1,117 posted on 12/28/2015 7:03:40 AM PST by null and void (</x>)
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To: Tax-chick; All

Hello, everyone. I’m back to work. It should be a quiet week.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. My youngest sort-of lost it at the end of Christmas day and left in a huff, so from the POV of Mrs. ArGee it was the worst day ever. But it was actually a decent day. We’ll see how long the youngest stays mad.


1,118 posted on 12/28/2015 7:09:08 AM PST by ArGee (Two things are sure. 1) there is a God. 2) you are not Him.)
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To: Tax-chick

It will be mid January before the computer is returned to me, but I’m looking forward to it, anyway. I don’t trust this one, but for now, it’s OK.

Yes I did have some memorable times with the Old Dowager. Before she was on oxygen all the time, she was fairly nice to be around, but as she became more dependent, she also became more unpredictable and cranky. Still, I knew her long enough to love her.

The laundry is done, except for the hanging up. I didn’t want to sit at the laundry room any more because someone was smoking in the community room, and that’s against the law. Not to mention those of us with lung troubles can’t handle it.

So I’ll be heading for Walmart, soon. I’m just waiting for my chest pains to ease.


1,119 posted on 12/28/2015 7:41:45 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: null and void

Of course you are, Nully! You’re somewhere close to the top of the favorites list, crowding out those who are there...;o])


1,120 posted on 12/28/2015 7:43:43 AM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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