FIRST
Two elderly women having a coffee, one asks the other, "Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes," she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack."
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."
h/t Leo
In early today, Lucky. Have a great weekend!!
Top 20!! It’s Silliness All Day!!!
It reminded me of the time I lived half a block from a Steak and Egg in downtown Toledo [OH], on any cold winter's night it was infested with a crowd of 'Ladies of the Evening' if you will, [and I employ that term loosely] that instantly inspired me to refer that eatery as 'Steak and Hooker'--even 36 years later...
Contast that ‘no’ list with the list from Team America:
America, F* Yeah! [Caution, rough language]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R5A0pg4oN8
In my inbox this morning:
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?” Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”
“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Muslim.”
TOP 30!
In the 18th century the arabs invented the condom using the lower part of a goat’s rectum.
In the 19th century the British improved the condom by first removing it from the goat.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”
IN! Finally...
Derka derka top 60!
Something to relate to...
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!
I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pi$$ing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?
I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... Chocolate is Salad.
