Posted on 09/28/2014 11:13:05 AM PDT by Windflier
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and was roped into judging a chili contest:
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas, and was asked to fill in to be a judge at their annual Texas Chili Cook-Off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I just happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off three people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like brown goo to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell & pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
HE thought #8 was decent because his taste buds had been destroyed.
I judged a BBQ cook off in Texas once. I tasted some of the worst meat I’d ever tasted in my life. I thought “Holy smokes! Don’t people taste this crap before they enter it?” That experience taught me that there really are some damn good BBQ cooks out there and if they have a trophy or two, eat some!
That’s a good one !
Thanks
Y’all got the State Fair going on up there now.
Local news had a story on some of the new fried offerings...
Looked good enough to where you would eat so much you hurt yourself.
hahahaha... didn’t realize i would be laughing this much :)
LOL!! Don’t Mess with Texas.....Chili. It’ll mess back!
LOL....
Having lived in Cowtown for 14 years...I can attest the food in Texas is hot...
I at one time could eat jalapenos whole like candy after living there a few years
I don’t if it still the case, but burger king puts mustard on it’s burger and not ketchup....
I took the kids last year and dang near did hurt myself. Stuff is expensive, though! Sure hurt my wallet.
lol - Real Texas Chili is not for the faint of heart.
I was laughing so hard last night, I thought I'd wake the wife and kids. I actually had to quit reading a couple of times to catch my breath :-)
And it DON’T have beans in it!!!
Maybe it's because I was raised on spicy foods, but the 'hot' stuff out here doesn't impress me. I probably need to find some authentic Texas restaurants outside the Dallas metroplex.
I've got to find me some of that.
I remember when that one was making the email rounds years ago. I nearly coughed up my spleen laughing so hard.
Hahahahahaha!
Thanks for the giggle again!
Says here this salsa comes from New York City.
NEW YORK CITY?!?!?!?!
Get a rope!
GEORGIA CHAIN GANG CHILI
PREP Brown chicken, pork rib roast, bottom round beef roast.
CHILI Wilt 2 lge Coarse-chop vidalias, 1/4 c ol/oil; add 10 gar/cl, inch chunks 2 ea celery/carrots (w/ celery leaves); sauté few min; add 1/4 c flour. Stir/brown.
Add 5 ea dried whole chinese chilies, qt ea peeled plum tomatoes and beef stock; add 2 tb ea cider vinegar, brown sugar; slow simmer.
Add browned chicken, beef and pork. Deglaze meat pan w/ cup liquid; add to pot; slow simmer 4 hours. Liftout meat, debone/shred back into pot, simmer an hour. S/p.
SERVE w/ lots of corn bread or white rice.
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