Posted on 05/23/2014 5:38:26 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?...
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once..
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan, The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan .....)
PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . .. . "He-brews"
Don't argue with idiots...they will pull you down to their level and beat you with experience!
Camouflage Cat is well camouflaged! But I did see the cat eventually.
I like that but Ralph is not my name.
He would surely be saying my name in that one.
There are times when I look up and say “What? You got nothing better to do?”
My daughter came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon her face.
She decided she was smart enough,
To put me in my place.
‘Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The ‘Children’s Bill of Rights.’
It says I need not clean my room,
Don’t have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
And I sure don’t have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
Don’t you ever touch me,
My body’s only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.
Don’t preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
And it’s illegal too!
Mom, I have these children’s rights,
So you can’t influence me,
Or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.’
MUM’S REPLY AND THOUGHTS:
Of course my first instinct was
To toss her out the door.
But the chance to teach her a lesson
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
she’s messing with a pro.
Next day I took her shopping
At the local Op Shop Store.
I told her, ‘Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts & pants galore.
I’ve called and checked with C.S.D ...
Who said they didn’t care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.
I’ve cancelled that appointment
To take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
So I’ll decide what’s best. ‘
I said ‘No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own pack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
A favourite dish of mine.’
She asked ‘Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?’
‘Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tyres on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.
I’m selling off your jet ski,
Mountain-bike & roller blades.
Check out the ‘Parents Bill of Rights’,
It’s in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D.?
Stumbled on:
Russian military Decoration “For Service in the Caucasus”
Look familiar?
TC, could this be Piper?
I have one of those too.
Cat-ou-flage
09/26/2013 | Responsibility2nd
after many attempts to find the cat, had to take off my glasses and look real close. Now I can’t stop seeing the cat.
Found your second cat. :)
No, wrong face.
Did you know that doing the dishes is the man's job? It says so in the Scriptures!
II Kings 21:13 - I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.
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