Posted on 04/22/2014 7:05:03 AM PDT by Scoutmaster
What are the United States' best regional foodstuffs? Its worst? [W]e have ranked them. Rigorously scientific (not), ardently researched (nope), and scrupulously fair (not even a little bit): this is the Great American Menu!
"Man is mortal. He frolics upon the grass of life for but a short season, and then is snatched back to the inanimate dirt of his origin. The Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, America's greatest regional foodstuff—all those toppings, so much cheese and meat, I can hear my heartbeat, this can't be right, it sounds like a chainsaw, can that be right?—will greatly hasten that day's arrival, but it will also fill at least a little part of at least one of those days with a transcendent, mind-boggling, outrageously indulgent sensory experience. This is the best thing any food can do, and certainly far beyond the capabilities of [stares daggers at New York] a sheet of soggy cardboard with a flap of waxy melted cheese stretched across it."
2. Shrimp and grits (South Carolina)
3. Mission-style burrito (California)
4. Crab cake (Maryland)
5. Peach pie/cobbler (Georgia)
6. Gumbo (Louisiana)
7. Key lime pie (Florida)
"But what about the Cuban sandwich?!?!?!?! First of all, there's some controversy about the Cuban sandwich's origins: Either it is from Cuba, in which case it is Cuba's sandwich and not Florida's, or it is from Tampa, in which case it is not a Cuban sandwich and has a dumb name, in which case it [stinks] because things from Tampa [stink] because Tampa [stinks]. In any case it is not as definitively Floridian as Key lime pie, which originated in Florida and is made with ingredients—Key limes—that are native to Florida and nowhere else."
8. Fried green tomatoes (Alabama)
10. Marionberry pie (Oregon)"The 'Marion' cultivar (Rubus L. subgenus Rubus) or Marion blackberry, marketed as marionberry, is an indigenous blackberry developed by the USDA ARS breeding program in cooperation with Oregon State University. It is a cross between the 'Chehalem' and 'Olallie' blackberries. The marionberry is currently the most common blackberry cultivar, accounting for over half of all blackberries produced in Oregon. Source."
11. Hot wieners (Rhode Island)
12. Burgoo (Kentucky)
"Kentucky's signature food, a whatever-you-got stew that never tastes the same twice, gets a million imaginary bonus points for its wonderful communal nature: People just bring whatever ingredients they can, and everybody puts what they've got into the stew, and out comes burgoo, and that is just . . . beautiful, even though in reality probably 78 percent of its ingredients were scraped off I-64 with a snow shovel."
13. Pulled pork barbecue (North Carolina)
"Pulled pork is more reliably tasty than burgoo—that is to say, there's virtually zero chance of it containing a fistful of raccoon fur—but a lot less wonderful. Science."
14. New England clam chowder (Massachusetts)>
T-15. Kansas City-style ribs (Missouri)
T-15. Memphis-style ribs (Tennessee)
"For real, they're the same [thing]. But hey, let's fight about it!"
17. West Virginia slaw dog (West Virginia)
"This is a hot dog with a chili-like meat sauce, mustard, and coleslaw on it. (Sometimes it has chopped onions on it, too.) Which, yeah, you can get variations of that pretty much anywhere, but West Virginians are serious about the coleslaw part. It's tasty."
18. Chimichanga (Arizona)
19. Frozen custard (Delaware)"Suggested advertising language for your frozen custard shop: Frozen custard! It's just like ice cream, only not particularly significantly unlike it, and only preferable if you grew up with it!"
20. Texas-style barbecue brisket (Texas)
"Beyond the smoky tastiness of all barbecue, the virtues of the Texas-style barbecue brisket are as follows: It is very large. The end."
21. Fried okra (Oklahoma)
22. New York-style pizza (New York)
"By rough estimate, there are 900 trillion pizza joints per person in New York City. Somehow, within this competitive environment, not a one of the purveyors of "New York Pizza" has yet considered the wild and crazy idea of maybe trying to do something—anything!—interesting with its pizza. Here is a comically large, thin wedge of dough with some indifferent, rubbery cheese smeared across it, and maybe a few greasy F-grade variants of the same . . . toppings you can get on your lousy DiGiorno back in . . .Topeka. Oooh, it's so New Yorky! In that it is overpriced and happy to coast along on a long-since-hollowed-out myth of Big Apple authenticity, just like everything else in this giant, bad-smelling amusement park for rich white people! New York pizza isn't even a genuine pizza genre. It's just lousy . . . pizza. Papa John's with a chip on its shoulder."
23. Hot Hawaiian breakfast (Hawaii)"This is Spam, eggs, and rice. Tastes like authentic cargo cult!"
24. Lobster roll (Maine)
25. Bull testicles (Montana)
26. Fried catfish (Arkansas)
27. Maple syrup (Vermont)
28. Scrapple (Pennsylvania)
"[But the Philly cheesesteak!] Shut it. The famous grease-and-garbage sandwich belongs to the city of Philadelphia, which A) is the worst place on Earth, and B) doesn't come close to representing the entire state of Pennsylvania. In a given day, 500 times as many Pennsylvanians are scraping possums off the motorway to add volume to their scrapple as are standing in line with the tourists [to have a Philly cheesesteak].
29. Corndog (Iowa)
30. Cedar-plank salmon (Washington)
31. Cowboy cookies (Colorado)
"The cowboy cookie is a chocolate-chip cookie to which someone wisely added rolled oats and shredded coconut, and to which someone else very stupidly added chopped pecans . . .. Neither pecans nor coconuts nor oats come from Colorado. Nor does chocolate. Nor do cowboys, really. You know what does come from Colorado? Confused looks and shrugged shoulders when you ask people what their state's signature foodstuff is. This is because, at any given time, 102 percent of the people in Colorado are vacationing Californians in bubble-vests and hiking boots."
32. Mud pie (Mississippi)
"This is essentially a pile of brownie dough floating in a gallon of chocolate syrup. It is delicious. Let's take this moment to remember that Mississippi leads the nation in adult diabetes."
33. Bratwurst (Wisconsin)
34. Virginia ham (Virginia)
36. Half-smoke (District of Columbia)
"For those not familiar with the culture of our nation's capital, the half-smoke is a hot dog. Yes, it is. Sometimes it can be half beef and half pork; sometimes it can be smoked. Most often it is a steamed beef frank with some very lousy chili slopped over it."
37. Chicken-fried steak (Wyoming)
38. Finger steaks (Idaho)
39. Hamburger casserole (Kansas)
40. Hotdish (Minnesota)
41. Michigan pasty (Michigan)
42. Chislic (South Dakota)
"Picture a kebab. Can you picture a kebab? Meat, veggies, skewer, maybe some cucumber dressing and tasty pita bread or naan on the side? Fresh and flavorful and varied and exciting? Got it? OK. Now, eradicate that appetizing image from your mind, and replace it with a bunch of small cubes of greasy, chewy beef on toothpicks, sitting on a sad plate next to some plastic-wrapped packets of saltines. Congratulations. You have now pictured chislic."
43. Green Jell-O with *&%#!@*# carrots in it (Utah)
44. Lutefisk (North Dakota)
45. Salt water taffy (New Jersey)
46. Handheld meat pies (Nebraska)
"These are homemade Hot Pockets. They are homemade Hot Pockets, and they are what pass for regional culture in Nebraska."
47. Akutaq (Alaska)
"Alaska's putrid mixture of whipped fat (usually vegetable shortening; traditionally blubber) and berries."
48. Boiled dinner (New Hampshire)
49. Not having any authentic local culture to speak of (Nevada)
50. A *&%#!@*# steamed *&%#!@*# cheeseburger (Connecticut)
The source for this Tuesday List is Deadspin: The Great American Menu: Foods Of The States, Ranked And Mapped. Deadspin and its related sites frequently contain interesting articles, but some language of writers and commenters, and the topics of some articles on related sites, are often NSFW or simply not recommended for a significant percentage of FReepers. However, Deadspin is one of many excellent sources of lists and a unique source of out-of-the-ordinary sports news.
Where Deadspin comments have been used, many have been edited.
20. Texas-style barbecue brisket (Texas)
“Beyond the smoky tastiness of all barbecue, the virtues of the Texas-style barbecue brisket are as follows: It is very large. The end.”
If you have a BBQ brisket that has a smoky taste, you are doing it wrong.
The only MM I know of is an Ice cream bar similar to an Ice Cream Sandwich but a lot thicker.
" In last night's Blue Jays-Twins game, three Toronto relievers combined to bring you this disgusting eighth inning: walk, walk, sac bunt, walk, wild pitch, walk and wild pitch, stolen base, walk and wild pitch, stolen base, walk, walk, single, walk, strikeout, groundout. It was remarkable, really.
If you're keeping score, that's six runs on one hit, with eight walks sprinkled in. The 12 batters that came to the plate swung a total of 10 times. Of the seven times ball met bat in the inning, three were on bunt attempts.
I read that and it is completely inaccurate. You won’t find anything matching this description at Roberto’s or any of the other “to’s” in SoCal.
Agreed with a large number of them....Only gripe is with the Colorado dish...NEVER would a chocolate chip cookie be the signature dish. A true Coloradoan will tell you that the signature dish is a black and blue steak....Colorado raised of course and dry aged before cooking (that’s grilling to the rest of the world)
Funny how in one state they are called pasty and in another they are hand held meat pies....difference between Welsh and German heritage I guess
The Chicago deep dish meat and cheese pie is good, but does not deserve to either be called “pizza’ or be #1 on this list. Also, NC BBQ over STL or Memphis? Ridiculous.
The pork tenderloin from Indiana is also under-rated. It’s a “never miss” item for me when I’m out that way.
Ugh—Chicago-style pizza at #1, over the likes of crab cakes and jumbo?
Then a Maine lobster roll all the way down at #24, just below Hawaii’s spam breakfast and above Montana’s bull testicles?
What kind of heathen dared take on the task of this list without, apparently, sufficient tatebuds to differentiate between hot dogs at #11 and the first barbeque dish pulling up at #13?
Say the name "Kentucky" to anyone anywhere in the world and unless they're aboriginal pygmies living on grubs and monkey droppings in the rain forest they will respond with "fried chicken".
The real thing, not the pressure cooked grease balls the Colonel has made so world famous, has two not-so-secret herbs and spices, salt and pepper, brined chicken double flour coated, fried in lard in a cast iron skillet. The aroma alone tells everyone within a mile of the kitchen that dinner's a'cookin'.
My business colleagues in Toronto tried to get me to eat some poutine. No how. No way. I'd rather eat cold Manhattan style clam chowder.
I grew up in NH and was never in my life subjected to poutine—I take it you live in Manchester or up in Coos County?
bttt
Lobster roll would be #1 in my book, with crab cakes #2.
Not on the list but Maine's official treat is Whoopie Pies. Similar to Moon pies depending on who makes them.
I like scrapple too. I am having some for lunch today with fried eggs maybe some leftover fried rice and some kimchi.
I agree hawaiian breakfasts are great. Also like pokey which you can get in the safeway deli there.
That would be "Casino comp" -- whatever is on the menu that you like in the place that comped your dinner so you would gamble there.
Wow - great catch.
Filipino food - the best. Pancit, Adobo, Lumpia, oh my.
“9. Stacked enchilada with green chile (New Mexico)”
Though NM enchiladas are superb, it is New Mexico chile that is to die for! The question shall always remain “red or green?”
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