Posted on 02/26/2014 3:16:21 AM PST by 2ndDivisionVet
I can’t tell you where I was or who was there or when it happened. I don’t want to add to this guy’s humiliation, so I am keeping this vague and generic. I can simply tell you that, some time ago, I found myself in the same vicinity as another married couple.
I certainly can’t read their minds, and I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, all I know is that the husband couldn’t seem to utter a single phrase that wouldn’t provoke exaggerated eye-rolling from his wife.
She disagreed with everything he said.
She contradicted nearly every statement.
She even nagged him.
She brought up a “funny” story that made him out to be incompetent and foolish. He laughed, but he was embarrassed.
She was gutting him right in front of us. Emasculating him. Neutering him. Damaging him.
It was excruciating.
It was tragic.
It also was, or is becoming, pretty par-for-the-course.
The respect deficiency in our culture has reached crisis levels.
I’ve discussed at length how men should treat women. I’ve written about the lessons I plan to teach my son; lessons about how he should love, honor, respect, serve, and protect the women in his life. Indeed, men need to respect women, and we, as men, are far from perfect in that regard.
Those posts — the ones where I call on us men to improve the way we treat women — tend to be very popular. They’re popular when I write them or when anyone writes them. Proclaim that women, mothers, and wives should be respected, and a chorus will shout ‘amen.’ Every day on Facebook brings us another viral post excoriating men and supporting women. I’ve written a few of them myself.
But I’ve noticed that the corollary – a message about the respect women must give men, a message challenging wives and encouraging husbands – isn’t quite so palatable for many people. Disrespect for men has become standard practice. That scene I witnessed was sad but unremarkable; we’ve all watched that kind of thing play out a thousand times over. Men are disrespected by their wives – they’re disrespected publicly, they’re disrespected privately, they’re disrespected and then told that they have no right to be upset about it because they aren’t worthy of respect in the first place.
Disrespect for men is a joke to us now. A little while ago I stopped on the way home from work to buy my wife some flowers. As she rang me up, the cashier quipped: “Uh-oh, what’d you do?” I wasn’t particularly amused, but I chuckled. She continued. “I don’t know if this will be enough to get you off the couch tonight!”
Ah, yes, the old “husband is punished by his wife and sent to the couch” meme. I’m not sure if this actually happens in real life, or if it’s an invention of 90′s “all men are fat, witless, oafs” sitcoms, but the popularity of the stereotype is telling. Is this how we see husbands now? A man gets “in trouble” with his wife, she scolds him and puts him in time-out on the couch. Now he has to placate his alpha-bride by showering her with flowers and jewelry.
Men are painted like children or dogs. They can be shooed off of their own beds by their wives and sent to cower in the living room until she permits him to return. This is only slightly less offensive than the cliché of the sadistic wife who punitively withholds sex from her husband. “You didn’t clean the garage like I told you. No sex for you, mister! Next time, follow my instructions!”
Did you ever see this Samsung ad from several months ago?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9HMhSvnbmk
A worthless, grunting, Neanderthal of a husband instantly “evolves” when his wife plugs a contraption into his back. The ad caused a slight dust up when they released it, but nothing — NOTHING — like it would have if the husband and wife had switched roles in this charming piece of viral marketing.
But with men on the receiving end, a few people complained, some angry Youtube comments were posted, Samsung sales were unscathed, and everyone quickly moved on with their lives.
That’s because disrespect for men isn’t exactly a trendy outrage.
These cultural messages aren’t harmful because they hurt my manly feelings; they’re harmful because of what they do to young girls. Society tells our daughters that men are boorish dolts who need to be herded like goats and lectured like school boys. Then they grow up and enter into marriage wholly unprepared and unwilling to accept the Biblical notion that “wives should submit to their husbands” because “the husband is the head of the wife.” [Ephesians 5]
It is a fatal problem, because the one thing that is consistently withheld from men and husbands — respect — is the one thing we need the most.
Yes, need. We need respect, and that need is so deeply ingrained that a marriage cannot possibly survive if the man is deprived of it.
Often, people will say that a husband should only be respected if he “earns” it. This attitude is precisely the problem. A wife ought to respect her husband because he is her husband, just as he ought to love and honor her because she is his wife. Your husband might “deserve” it when you mock him, berate him, belittle him, and nag him, but you don’t marry someone in order to give them what they deserve. In marriage, you give them what you’ve promised them, even when they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.
This doesn’t mean that a man has a license to be lazy, or abusive, or uncaring. He is challenged to live up to the respect his wife affords him. If his wife parcels out her respect on some sort of reward system basis, the husband has nothing for which to strive. As the respect diminishes, so too does his motivation to behave respectably. Respect is wielded like a ransom against him, and he grows more isolated and distant all the while.
They both swirl in circles around the drain. He fails, so she gives him no respect, and then he continues to fail because he feels disrespected, and she continues to give him no respect because he continues to fail. And so on, and so on, and so on, all the way to the divorce attorney.
The same thing happens with love. If love is unconditional, then the light of love always shines in your marriage, even in its darkest times. But if your love is given in direct proportion to your spouse’s ability to “earn” it, then it will inevitably diminish and fade over time.
Love in a marriage is, as people often point out, a choice. But it’s also a duty. So is respect. I love my wife because I choose to love her. I choose to love her because that is the vow I made; it is my charge, my warrant. Luckily, it’s usually pretty easy to love my wife because she’s kind, warmhearted, and beautiful. But if she becomes less kind, and I withdraw my love because of it, then my love was never love to begin with. It was just a pleasant feeling; a natural response to her nicer tendencies.
This is not to say that women should tolerate a man who fails in his duties, but that her intolerance for his failures can only be constructive if it is rooted in respect. Sadly, many women will approach their husbands and say: “You need to stop doing such and such or start doing such and such, because you’re a failure and I don’t respect you.”
She might not explicitly state this, but it is the message she implicitly sends. There is zero chance that this message will help to heal the damage; it only plunges another dagger into the already gaping wound.
A few months ago I wrote a post about pornography. I stand by every word I typed, but I feel like I could add another couple thousand sentences to the end of it. Ever since I published that piece, I have heard from hundreds and hundreds of men and women on both sides of the porn problem.
Men emailed to tell me that they developed a porn habit and it did great damage to their marriage. But they told me that they resorted to porn after years of being disrespected, shunned and belittled by their wives. They weren’t making an excuse — only offering some perspective and context.
And hundreds of women told me that their husbands developed a porn habit and it caused them to lose all respect for them. This inability to respect their husbands nearly, or in some cases completely, wrecked their marriage.
A vicious cycle. The men didn’t want to fight for a marriage if they weren’t respected, and the women didn’t want to respect men who wouldn’t fight for their marriage. He withholds his love, she withholds her respect. They’ve both set fire to the thing that needs to be fixed.
Respect is our language. If it isn’t said with respect, we can’t hear it. This is why nagging is ineffective and self defeating. This is why statements made in sarcastic tones, or with rolling eyes, will never be received well. We have a filter in our brains, and a statement made in disrespect will be filtered out like the poison it is.
Men are notoriously reluctant to share feelings or display vulnerability. Many times, we keep those inner thoughts locked away — our feelings guarded and hidden — because we know we are not respected. A man will never be vulnerable to someone who doesn’t respect him. Never.
A man isn’t satisfied or content if he isn’t respected. If he can’t find respect where he is, he will seek it somewhere else. This can have disastrous implications for a relationship, but it applies in other areas of life as well. A man is much more likely to stay in a low paying job, a physically demanding job, a dangerous job, or a tedious job, than a job where he isn’t respected.
I’m only emphasizing this because I think it might actually be news to some people. Society does not permit men to be vocal about their need for respect, so the need is often ignored.
I could sit here all day adding “yes, but husbands also need to…” disclaimers. I won’t, because I’ve probably written a dozen or more times on that subject. Every once in a while, I think we should talk about what wives need to do. And here it is. This, above all else. Respect your husbands. Even when he doesn’t deserve it.
Over the years, I have always had a chuckle, when this statement is thrown out by women....and so, let a man, admit his inner feelings to his women, he will only find that during the next conflict, that the info will be used against him....any sort of male weakness, as perceived by a women, is a negative.....
Valentine’s Day is not a real holiday. Just the bastardization of a saints day to make money off of those stupid cards.
Bfl
I’d say “no reason... hope you can find a good man some day too”.
My wife is one to use this tactic and it has, unfortunately caused a coldness in our 20 year marriage. She often requires of me to cite specifics during an argument. I replied that were I to keep track of the specifics of a grievance, then our marriage was no more.
Women will correct, rant and harangue men as much as men will let them. It is part of being a Man to know when she is right and when she is just being...well...a woman. In the one case he performs adjustments to himself and in the other has says “My Immortal and Beloved Darling please STFU.
I agree wholeheartedly up until the point where he starts quoting the Bible and how women should submit to men, which is utter bullshit. Both men and women need to be completely open to each other with their feelings, which is in a way, I think a form of mutual submission.
At the end, the article continues to push a stereotype - that men are reluctant to share their feelings. Consider that the first half of the article described the common case (I lived it for many years), of wives publicly displaying passive aggressive behavior towards their husbands - interrupting, eye rolling, recounting unflattering stories, etc. Is this what counts as being communicative? Both parties need to regularly start sentences with “this is how I feel...” and “how do you feel...?”. It doesn’t matter if there’s a solution, or whether of not anything comes from it. Communication is priceless. I lived on a diet of “No”, “I don’t know”, “hmmmm”, and silence (at least in private) for almost twenty years until I said “enough”, and filed for divorce.
Now, when I’m with a group of married men, and their commiserating about the lack of sex, the steady stream of “yes dears”, and the continual tap dancing in order to avoid incurring the wrath of their wives, it pains me quite a bit. I do hold my tongue though. Everyone has to walk their own path.
You’re a brave man for posting this :-)
I’m not marriage so my struggle with this area usually manifests itself in the workplace with my attitude toward supervisors . I struggled with the passages in the New Testament about the wife respecting/submitting to their husband until the pastors showed that the word refers to “lining up under authority” (not direct quote), like an enlisted person under the NCO, under the commanding officer, who is uner the authority ultimately of God. When I have trouble with individuals in the chain of command, I have to remember that the L-rd of Hosts is completely trustworthy.
Thanks for the article.
I’m important! I write a blog!
The Bible commands husbands to love their wives. Women are made as responders. If he loves you the love will be returned.
Control and ownership have no place in a marriage.
One can never demand respect or submission from a spouse. Where there is love, so those things will fall in place when needed in the marriage.
“In the one case he performs adjustments to himself and in the other has says “My Immortal and Beloved Darling please STFU.”
Well, yes, maybe without being vulgar...works at my house.
Remember, the last thing you said that your wife agreed with was when you said, “I DO.”
I happen to think Love between a husband and wife is worthy of setting aside a day to honor each other. Yes, we honor each other every day, but life gets busy, and it's nice to have a day where we, as a society, take some time out and show appreciation for our better halves.
And it doesn't have to cost a dime. There've been lots of lean years where I wrote my wife a nice little note and she baked me some heart shaped chicken with a heart shaped cupcake for dessert.
And if you're not taking time out to honor your spouse on this special day set aside to do just that, well, I'm sorry for both you and your spouse.
I hope for your sake you come to the point where you don’t call the word of God bull. It is possible you are taking it out of context. Continuing on in the Word will show you that likewise, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, even giving up His life for her. It take an understanding that comes from reading the whole thing. If you would read Ephesians 5:22-33 you would see what might be in modern language the requirements of mutual commitment, and that commitment is not to be conditional. If the commitment is conditional, there is no chance of weathering bad times.
Yes, I do believe that for a wife to unquestioningly accept and obey everything that a husband says is bunk, likewise, that men have superior standing with God.
They have the greater responsibility before God. The standing is the same: Gal 3:28-29.
I do believe that for a wife to unquestioningly accept and obey everything that a husband says is bunk
That is you reading into the text.
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
As the church to Christ is the submission of the wife to her husband, as Christ loves the church so should a man love his wife. When that happens to the extent that it can on this earth, there is the marriage with the love and respect that God desires, and for which mankind yearns.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ
Yes, not specifically to the married but of one to believers to serve each other.
I have no use for feminists, and a lot of the time women in general irritate me. Yes, I said it-—so much for the sisterhood. I’ve seen enough of men portrayed as bumbling fools to know it’s a very real fact, and I hate it.
BUT. Regarding the example of the man who was being publicly “gutted, emasculated, and neutered”: why was he allowing it? Where were his gonads? He just stood there and chuckled like an obliging doormat? For that reason, I have little sympathy for him.
Man up, guys. It’s true that a husband doesn’t have to earn his wife’s respect, but it’s also a sad truth that behaving like a cowed Chihuahua will earn you disrespect.
Case in point-—my brother’s sister and her ex-husband. There was no bad guy in that marriage; they were just two very ill-suited people who should have never married each other. During the divorce, he would get on his knees in front of her and cry and weep and whimper, begging her to take him back. He often called me on the phone and did the same thing....crying and wailing.
There is something about behavior like that from a man that gets in a woman’s soul and irritates the hell out of her. We just do not want to see men behaving like wimps or dishrags or crying babies. I took it as long as I could from my sister-in-law’s ex. Finally I told him that if he EVER wanted to find another woman he was going to have to stop ACTING like one.....he needed to man up and stop the damn bawling.
I understand that many modern women seem to outright despise men. But it’s up to you, men, whether you allow yourselves to be mistreated...or not.
Well, that's an....interesting....way to describe Scripture.
You remind me of my Christian conservative friend who suddenly told me she's become a "conservative feminist" because she hates the Bible's language toward women, the way men treat women as "objects , etc. Neither one of you has any understanding of the submission verse nor the intended relationship between husband and wife.
That particular reference has nothing to do with being second-class, weak, uncommunicative, or ill-treated.
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