Woohoo!!!! I’m in!!!!
bump for later
I’m in !!!
The Gospel according to Titleist:
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
~ Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~ John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
~ Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
~ Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
~ Bishop Sheen
11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
~ Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye
14. I’m hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
~ Billy Graham
16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain
18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
~ Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.
~ All Us Hackers
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian
AND FINALLY...............
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Lee Trevino
Good stuff; thanks!
bookmarked...
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, ‘Good - she’s pregnant.’
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’
Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’
Don’t ever underestimate old guys.
Seniors.
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours...
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch ‘em Slow Down!
2. On all your check stubs, write ‘For Marijuana’!
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
8. Tell Your Children over dinner: ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It’s called ‘therapy’!
Top 20?
BTW, that’s a mouse, not a rat.
UH-OH. Now you've done it. You've got me started on Little Johhny jokes.
The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description. She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk." First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it?" Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally?" "It’s a banana", replied Sally. "No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think." Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it?" Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy?" "It’s a tomato" says Billy. "No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think." Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny." "Well Ms. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny. "Okay says the teacher." "What’s round, hard, and has a head?" replied Little Johnny. "Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all." says the teacher. "It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now
class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of
fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely,
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the
second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get
the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on
Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're
thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now, Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your
thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey,
I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay, I've got it: it's about 8 inches long, hard, and
it's got a little pink head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "its a pencil, but I like your
thinking!"
A man received the following text message from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto-correct. I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.
Got my Obama Care Packet today.....
I wanted to let you know that earlier today I received my “Obamacare enrollment packet” from the White House.
It contained:
· An aspirin and a band-aid.
· An ‘Obama Hope & Change’ bumper sticker
· A ‘Bush’s Fault’ yard sign
· A ‘Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody’ poster
· A ‘Tax the Rich’ banner
· An application for unemployment and a free cellphone
· An application for food stamps
· A prayer rug
· A letter assigning my debt to my grandchildren
And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my butt.
Everything was made in “China” and all directions were in Spanish.
Keep an eye out. Yours should be arriving soon.
