9 Things Cats Know but Won't Tell You

vetstreet.com ^ | 12/22/2013 | Dr. Marty Becker

[boatbums]

Most dog owners come into the veterinary office with their canine companions devotedly following them. Tails wagging, the dogs look up at their people with adoring eyes. Most cat owners, on the other hand, wrestle a cardboard box into the exam room, reach in like a magician and pull out not a rabbit, but an angry feline. For their efforts they get covered with furry shrapnel and sometimes raked with claws until their face and arms look like so many tic-tac-toe games. (It doesn't have to be like that, by the way.)

As a lifetime pet lover and practicing veterinarian of more than 30 years, I've noticed a few things about cats. And so for all you cat owners, here's the Secret Code of Cat Behavior (or What Cats Know but Won't Tell You).

•Strategically place your hairball. If you have to hack up a hairball, toss it like a trophy onto something visible and valuable, like the new leather couch. If you can't reach that in time, an Oriental rug is an appropriate substitute.

•Know the enemy and embrace him. If mom is entertaining, determine quickly who hates or is allergic to cats, race immediately to that person and leap into his or her lap. Mom's watching, so he won't dare push you off and will even fake affection by stroking you and repeating, "Nice kitty. Niiiice kitty."

•Wear fur proudly. You must always select clothing in sharp contrast to your own fur color on which to rub, leap or audition for the president of the Hair Club for Cats. Again, dare to share.

•Be Johnnie on the Spot. As a courtesy, always accompany guests to the toilet. Your job is to sit and stare like you're a peeping-tom cat.

[Hugin]

Clear the desk. One of our cats will climb on the desk as soon as you are done working and knock every pen, pencil, paper, scissors, etc. on the floor, then lay on the desk calendar and go to sleep.

[outofsalt]

The Hospital I worked at in the 80’s sent a team to the Philippines to do charity surgery. This group would remove thyroid cancers all day and they would collect the tumors in a bucket. At the end of the day someone would toss the bucket out of a window and feral cats would rush in to eat them.

[justiceseeker93]

Looks like your cat in the photo is taking a catnap sitting up.

[AlexW]

“At the end of the day someone would toss the bucket out of a window and feral cats would rush in to eat them.”
____________________________________
YUKKKK ! My cats are well fed with scraps and with “Woofy”
kibbles that comes in an 8kg bucket. I also feed two dogs.

[jimsin]

'You forgot: Give some to Ann Coulter, who is desperately in need of a meal.'

WELL I DON'T THINK SO, CATHERINE OF SILLY...ANN'S FIRST CLASS MIND ENABLED HER TO WRITE 10 BEST SELLERS...THEREFORE SHE'S WORTH MILLIONS...SO I'M GUESSIN SHE DINES ON PORTER-HOUSE STEAK AND LOBSTER BISQUE...(THAT'S SOUP, SMALL GRASSHOPPER) WHATEVER SHE'S EATIN' I HOPE SHE CONTINUES BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T BECOME BETTER LOOKIN'. SHINE UP YER SPECKS, YOUNG LADY HERE'S A SUPER ABUNDANCE OF BOTH BEAUTY AND BRAINS...GET READY...NOW...

[UCANSEE2]

At the end of the day someone would toss the bucket out of a window and feral cats would rush in to eat them.

Well... that's certainly one way to keep down rising health care costs.

[justiceseeker93]

Is that a mother cat taking care of her kitten by any chance?

[Secret Agent Man]

only cat i ever liked was one that behaved like a friendly dog. miss my buddy alex. think i loved him more than his owner did.

[jimsin]

'FREE Philippine kittens, ready to wean in a week or two. I have too many cats as it is. You pay shipping, hahaha.'

JUST SEND 'EM TO ME ON CONSIGNMENT A/W..I'LL FRICKESEE 'EM AND SELL THE MEALS AT THE CLOSEST LUNCH COUNTER. I'LL SEND YOU THE SHIPPING COST OUT OF UNIT SALES.... THAT'S REAL CAPITALISM SON...LARGE AND IN CHARGE...

MERRY CHRISTMAS....

[Sarajevo]

Sammy takes umbrage a your recipe........

[CatherineofAragon]

So beautiful!

[justiceseeker93]

I realize that this article is written tongue in cheek, but the veterinarian who wrote it isn't exactly promoting cat ownership or adoption.

Although I personally haven't owned a cat in many years, I don't think that all the annoying and irritating cat behavior mentioned in the article is beyond human control. Cats, from what I observe, are trainable by humans to a significant extent, as evidenced, for example, by their roles in films. There is an "animal psychologist" with a nationally syndicated radio show named Warren Eckstein, who wrote a book quite a number of years back called "How to Get Your Cat to Do What You Want." It might be useful for distressed cat owners to call in his show and/or consult his book.

[Darren McCarty]

A bunch of kitties were losing on the football field today. Again. They call themselves Detroit Lions.

[AlexW]

“JUST SEND ‘EM TO ME ON CONSIGNMENT A/W..I’LL FRICKESEE ‘EM “
____________________________________________
Creepo :P

[AlexW]

May the Viking Kitties disembowel you, and feed you to the DUmmies. haha. That is my Christmas wish for you...Meowee Christmas.

[JoeFromSidney]

I'm very fond of cats and have two of them. However, there is this about the difference between cats and dogs. If I had a dog, and I were to drop dead in the house, the dog would stand guard over my body until someone came to relieve him. My cats, on the other had, would start gnawing on my corpse as soon as they ran out of other food. They don't have the loyalty that a dog has.

[angcat]

Mine also puke on the decorative scatter rugs.

[jimsin]

'May the Viking Kitties disembowel you, and feed you to the DUmmies. haha. That is my Christmas wish for you...Meowee Christmas.'

WELL I DONT KNOW WHAT VIKNG. KITS. ARE BUT FROM THE WAY YOU TALK HERE THEY SEEM BURDENSOME..... I HOPE THEREFORE TO AVOID BOTH THE DUMMIES AND THE KITTIES NOW AND IN THE FUTURE OF NOW....AND JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE IM GOIN TO BED EARLY WITH MY SHOOTIN IRON ON THE NIGHT STAND... AND I WISH YOU A MERRY MERRY KITMAS AS WELL...YOUNG MAN AND ALL NEAR YOUR HOMESTEAD....WHEREVER IT MAY BE....AT ALL..

[deweyfrank]

LOL..and How bout them Eagles!!

[boatbums]

Yeah, but we love our kittehs so much we wouldn't WANT them to starve to death. I won't be needing my body anymore if I'm dead so I willfully let them have me. ;o)