***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

It's all about the timing...

Never have I seen such commitment to photobombing as this woman's.

Yes, penguins have rocket propelled poop. You won't learn that on Discovery Channel.

He wanted soda. He got soda. To the faaaaaaaaace!!!!

Not sure what exactly is going on here, but $100 says that alcohol was involved.

A painful bee sting is the price you've got to pay for a photo as awesome as this.

"Pleased to meet you, concrete."

"It is the last time you'll sh*t on me!"

His thoughts became a shadow.

"CRATE-ZIRRA!"

Little did Gary know that the right combination of Coors Light, beef jerky and Molly Hatchet
was all it took to summon the ancient fire god of Hawkins county.

Probably not the new Facebook profile photo they were hoping for.

Enjoy your new broken camera.

One of these cats will pee on your couch.

[occamrzr06]

I’ve told you once.

[4yearlurker]

This is not an argument! This is just contradiction!

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

Actually, she’s turning 40 in July. Still a good one, though. And as long as we’re talking about Ms. Lewinsky...

Monica is taking a walk along the beach when she sees a bottle half buried in the sand. She picks it up and wipes some of the sand off to see what it is and a genie pops out.

The genie says, “While I appreciate you freeing me from the bottle, I’m not completely cut off from the outside world in there. I know who you are and what you did, and you should be ashamed. But since you did free me from the bottle, I will grant you one wish. Choose carefully.”

Monica thinks for a few minutes and says, “You know, it would be nice if I could get rid of these love handles.”

The genie raises his hands and says, “As you wish, so shall it be done,” and her ears fall off.

[absolootezer0]

and the opportunist finished the drink while all those other idiots are thinking.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

That pic is missing one:

Engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be in order to hold that amount of liquid.

[Arrowhead1952]

I like this picture from this thread.

TN Senator Refuses To Back Off Pressure Cooker Joke

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

No you didn’t!

[ArGee]

I thought it was going to be at BATF headquarters.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

I’ve been joking for some time now that the claw hammer in my tool collection is an “assault hammer” because it has a fiberglass handle.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

No, it isn’t.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

And I got post #50! Did I win anything?

[ArGee]

Look, if I argue with you, I have to take up a contrary position.

[eldoradude]

[foundedonpurpose]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to
Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking
for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid
says,”Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota .” Well, the boss liked the
kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down
after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job ...was rough
but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the
boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, “One”. The boss says,
“Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. “How much was the
sale for?” The kid says, “$101,237.65”. The boss says, “$101,237.65?” What the
heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First I sold him a
small fish hook.

Then I sold him a medium fish
hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish
hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing
rod.

Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so
we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
Craft.

Then he said he didn’t think his
Honda Civic would pull it,

so I took him down to the automotive
department

and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT
and a TRUCK?” The kid said, “No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife
and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot - you should go fishing.”

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to argue anymore. You’ll have to pay for another five minutes.

[fredhead]

The Engineer thinks the glass is too small.

[llevrok]

Pope Francis recently finished his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, “Tuti Homini” - Blessed be Mankind.

A Woman’s Rights Group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini” - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The day after, a Gay Rights Group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, “Sure.”
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.”

[foundedonpurpose]

Two sisters, one blonde and
one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a
few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far
town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects
the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell
it for $599 - no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send
her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can
haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be
glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

After paying for the bull, the brunette only
has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of
thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable’.”

The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that
bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable

The brunette explains,
“My sister’s a blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly.........
com-for-da-bull”.

[foundedonpurpose]

Never squat with your spurs on
Will
Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one
of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never
kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the
herd.
6. If you find yourself in a
hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest
way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by
observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for
themselves.9. Good judgment
comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.10. If you’re
riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s
still there.11. Lettin’ the
cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.12. After eating
an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up
until a hunter came along and shot him.The moral:
When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ABOUT GROWING
OLDER...
First
~Eventually you will reach a point when
you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.Second
~ The older we get, the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for. Third
~ Some people try to turn back their
odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a
long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.Fourth
~ When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.Fifth
~ You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth
~ I don’t know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.Seventh
~ One of the many things no one tells
you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being
young.Eighth ~ One
must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.Ninth
~ Being young is beautiful, but being
old is comfortable.Tenth ~ Long
ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it’s called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have
anything to laugh at when you’re old.

[MarineBrat]

This comic strip isn't as funny as it used to be. :(