Posted on 09/21/2012 5:37:20 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Politically Incorrect Test
To ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80 year old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85 year old congressmen with metal hips and Medal Of Honor winning former Governors. Let's pause a moment and take the following test.
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
(a) Olga Corbut
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 402. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Lost Norwegians
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80 year old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 403. During the 1990s, a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A Pizza delivery boy
(b) Pee Wee Herman
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 406. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked in Athens and a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by
(a) Captain Kidd
(b) Charles Lindburgh
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 407. In 1988, Pan Am flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Scooby Doo
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train job
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.8. In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 409. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The WWF to promote its next villain: Mustapha the Merciless
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, 4 airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of people were killed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck & Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the Unites States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) Enron
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 4012. 1n 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonny and Clyde
(b) Captain kangaroo
(c) Billy Graham
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40Hmmmm. . . . nope, no patterns anywhere to justify profiling that I can see.
Handy Phrases For Traveling in the Middle EasttA few handy phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
Top Ten Reasons Why Obama Thinks Golf Is Better Than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger
and a couple of beers.
#08... It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04.... Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
The Official Obama-Benghazi Flag!
Have at it.
****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******
1 Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from
3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
“Look for the Silver Linings”
Top 40!!! :D
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,
“What day is tomorrow?”; She said “It’s President’s Day!”
She is a smart kid. I asked “What does President’s Day mean?”
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.
She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Sh*t.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
(subby’s comment: she obviously doesn’t go to public school!)
YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs .
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily -— if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon from the nurse in the Landrover you booked for speeding last week.”
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
Who gives a damn! I got what I needed!
No, the real answer is:
Not enough time.
_____
My sex life is like a Ferrari.
I don’t have a Ferrari.
_____
An Italian tourist asks a blonde, “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blonde replies, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
_____
iRon
It all began with an iPhone...
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in November so I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
PS: iHurt!!!
top 38 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Liar...
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