TOP 40!!!
ALERT FROM; Center for DISEASE CONTROL
Subj: Gonorrhea Lectim …Deadly Disease!!
One should be thinking about this seriously. I ‘ m Posting this because I know you are all bright and I care about you.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called “GonorrheaLectim.” It pronounced “Gonna re-elect em” and it is a terrible Obamanation. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...But now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-3 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It ‘ s sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose now and the second dose in Nov. 2012 and simply don ‘ t engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about
"Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
But what makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.
A-*-* K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its theBulls**t and A** Kissingthat will put you over the top. Now you know why some people are where they are!
Today I had to go to Sears. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, ‘’I’m not handicapped!’’
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
‘’Oh, I’m sorry” I said, “I saw your Obama sticker and just assumed...’’
She gave me the finger and yelled some nasty names at me.
Boy! ——— Some people - and when you’re just trying to help them out.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.’ White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
Need for backup seemed so far away.
Seemed my data were all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Anonymous
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.”
The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.” She sat back down.
From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again.”
Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind.”
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; “I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life!” Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.”
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.
It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!”
Can u pronounce good english:-
read along woof, roof, loof, shoof, shoof, woof, loof, roof, poof, woof woof, hoof, woof, roof, shoof.
Test results: U r a good dog.
Now stop barking.
Thanks for posting.
My daughter’s school has the ‘Nerd Heard”.