[illiac]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death…

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

And last:

(Well OK, this is the best)

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No…

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[mel]

I believe it. Too funny.

[mel]

I believe it. Too funny.

[freedumb2003]

Thanks for a badly needed horselaugh...

[EmilyGeiger]

Thanks for the laughs! :)

[Cicero]

The amusing thing about this is that the law is so literal, these are actually the kinds of questions and answers you would expect to hear at a trial.

Otherwise, the opposition lawyer would predictable get up and say something like, “Well, we have a photo of that witness, but the jury should remark that he never stated that he was present when the photo was taken. So his presence has not been proven. For that reason, it is doubful, and my client should be released.”

[Wings-n-Wind]

PING = LATER

[bjc]

Obama is an attorney right? C’mon which one is he on this list?

[Cedar]

Just hilarious. Thanks so much for posting.

[Daffynition]

[loucon]

Thank you, I needed that.

A good laugh goes a long way.

[libertylover]

Court Reporters amaze me.
Does anyone know anything about those little machines they use?
They don’t have very many buttons but they seem to get everything.

[CharlyFord]

There is no way that this exchange took place and there was a single straight face in the court.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

[grey_whiskers]

Q. That statement is a completely false statement. Whether or not Mr. Bennett knew of your relationship with Ms. Lewinsky, the statement that there was "no sex of any kind in any manner, shape or form, with President Clinton," was an utterly false statement. Is that correct?

A. It depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is. If the –if he – if "is" means is and never has been, that is not--- that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement.

[ishmac]

Ping

[ixtl]

I am a retired Texas attorney. We had a federal judge, Jerry Buchmeyer (I think I spelled that right) who had a regular column in the Texas Bar Journal in which he cited bloopers, errors, and just funny answers submitted to him by attorneys, court reporters and judges, from trials and depositions. As I remember, the column was called “Et Cetera.” He is gone now, but his legacy apparently lives on.

[boop]

That last one is LEGENDARY in the medical field. Every doc I know loves it.

[Pollster1]

Very funny! (mark for later)