|
Posted on 04/30/2011 10:02:07 PM PDT by JustAmy
|
Because I’m A Man
Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what the heck I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these darn computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together or that I could simply have claimed it on my contents insurance.
Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or food, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.
Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay, I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mom, too!
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the 21st century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.
Believe it or not:
Whitney Houston has had the most consecutive hits.
The only song to ever hit # 1 twice was The Twist by Chubby Checker.
Termites eat wood twice as fast if you play loud music.
The first rap song to hit # 1 was Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice
The Beatles have had the most # 1 hits.
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out” Decca Records on rejecting the Beatles in 1962.
The Beatles “Hey Jude” held the #1 spot the longest.
Keep on rockin’!
A man goes into a restaurant and the waitress stops him.
“Sorry sir, you need to wear a tie to enter”.
So the man goes back to his car and looks around, but there’s no necktie to be found. So he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle about.
He goes back to the restaurant, where the waiter says, “Well, OK, you can come in......
....Just don’t start anything.”
A group of friends go deer hunting and pair off for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returns to the camp alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” one of the men asks.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the hunter says.
“You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?” the man asks.
“It was a tough call,” says the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
Fact:
New aluminum cans that are manufactured from used beverage
containers use 95% less energy than producing them from
virgin materials.
Each year, Americans throw out enough plastic film to shrink-
wrap the entire state of Texas.
I am a day late
Today in the United States we celebrate Memorial Day, a holiday that honors American service members who died during military service. Sure, today ends up being a day off work and a nice time to BBQ with family and friends, but let’s not forget the true meaning of the day. Here is more info on the history of Memorial Day...
RANDOM TIDBITS
Memorial Day was a response to the unprecedented carnage of the Civil War, in which some 620,000 soldiers on both sides died. In 1864, women from Boalsburg, Pennsylvania, put flowers on the graves of their dead from the just-fought Battle of Gettysburg. The next year, a group of women decorated the graves of soldiers buried in a Vicksburg, Mississippi, cemetery.
Waterloo, New York., began holding an annual community service on May 5, 1866. Although many towns claimed the title, it was Waterloo that won congressional recognition as the “birthplace of Memorial Day.”
Gen. Logan, the speaker at the Carbondale gathering, also was commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, an organization of Union veterans. On May 5, 1868, he issued General Orders No. 11, which set aside May 30, 1868, “for the purpose of strewing with flowers, or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country during the late rebellion....”
From the practice of decorating graves with flowers, wreaths and flags, the holiday was long known as Decoration Day. The name Memorial Day goes back to 1882, but the older name didn’t disappear until after World War II. Federal law declared “Memorial Day” the official name in 1967.
On May 30, 1868, President Ulysses S. Grant presided over the first Memorial Day ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery — which, until 1864, was Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee’s plantation. The principal speaker was James A. Garfield, a Civil War general, Republican congressman from Ohio and future president.
General Orders No. 11 stated that “in this observance no form of ceremony is prescribed,” but over time several customs and symbols became associated with the holiday. It is customary on Memorial Day to fly the flag at half staff until noon, and then raise it to the top of the staff until sunset.
“Phonetic Hymn Title”
Many hymnals have a hymn called “Gladly the Cross I’d Bear.”
It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would come just before the sermon. He replied with the above-mentioned hymn.
The following Sunday the bulletin read:
Hymn No. 134: “Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear.”
Mary Poppins Room Service
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please,” said Mary.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied.
“And may I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.
“Morning, madam. Sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.
“Food to your liking?”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
— I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.
“Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.
“Ok, I will. Thanks!” replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:
“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!’’
“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.”
~ Mark Twain
Quote
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
~ Herbert Henry Asquith
Illustration - “Warning Signs”
One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington’s Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: “Ice 10 miles.”
Five miles farther on, there was another sign: “Ice 5 miles.”
The next one was, “Ice 1/2 mile.”
We practically crept that half-mile.
When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, “Ice 75 cents.”
I’m here right now, and should be getting ready for church but I couldn’t be here & not thank Y’all for the latest batch of pings!!!!!! :) Hugs.
& prissy missy I’m tardy in saying so but I liked that poem you wrote,very much.
Gotta go...Take care! Thanks again!
It’s ALWAYS good to see you when you can sneak on-line...somewhere! :)
Have a blessed Sunday! (((hugs)))
Where have you gone? You are missed!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
