Posted on 02/16/2011 9:31:50 AM PST by JamesP81
I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this that would understand. I don't expect FR too either, but it's as good a place as any to vent.
You know what I do? I get up every day and go to work. I do my job and get my work done. I come home. I do it again the next day. And then again, and again, and again.
When I am dead, the most anyone will ever say about me is "he went to work ever day". If I were to simply drop dead, everything would pretty much be as if I had never lived. I have accomplished nothing noteworthy and I don't expect to. When my life is over with, the world will not be a better place, no one's lives will have been improved, and the evil that lives in the world will not have been pushed back.
This leaves me feeling....sick inside my soul. As if something is very, very wrong. The only thing I really look forward to is burying myself in the mundane of the normal to the degree that I do not think about these things. By and large this works, but some days I take my head out of the sand, and the result of that is days like today.
I've tried many things. When I was in school, I spent time every week in a nursing home. It did the folks there good to see anybody. But it did not fill the void. I am a blackbelt in karate and used to exercise a lot. It was good for me, but it did not fill the void. I have good friends, but I don't see them as much as I used to. We're all out of college, have jobs, and some have kids now. But even during the heyday of college, I couldn't fill the void with other people. I have hobbies. They're fun, but they leave me empty. I don't want to drop everything and be a drifter, but I don't want to sit still. I am not into carousing and having casual sex with whatever comes along. Never have been, and I'm fairly certain it would make me feel worse. I am a Christian; I do not speak to God as much as I should, but I do at times. He is supposed to have purpose for me, but I don't know what it is. I hope He has something for me other than work 9-5 until I'm dead.
A lot of people will say that your purpose is what you make of it. Every bit of evidence and observation I have tells me that's true. Yet I don't believe it, and never have.
In before "man up you wuss".
You mistake giddiness for happiness. One who’s happy doesn’t necessarily go around smiling and cracking jokes. Neither is one who goes around laughing necessarily happy.
Depression is an illness that’s misnamed. The “depression” part of it, is really just a symptom. The disease itself is one that throws off the brain’s internal chemistry. This, in turn, leads to symptoms such as a feeling of unhappiness or loss of interest. Who wouldn’t feel that way with a brain that’s not firing on all cylinders? Often the root cause lies with how the brain utilizes serotonin. Different people experience different symptoms. Some get depressed. Some, myself included, get migraines. But whatever the manifestation, this a medical problem that’s treatable with medications.
I wish I could give the Freeper credit that passed along this gem in his tagline, but
“Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.”
I think it’s also true of eastern philosophy.
I’ve heard others say that scuba diving is great therapy. The real world disappears. But being in Kentucky, it is a no do. Do you have family there? Do you like it there? It sounds like you do need a change of scenery.
Zen is the heart of eastern nonsense.
Well, if they do it like my department does it, they send you through a 3 month class, then limit you to outside work until you've had enough experience being around fires and the situations that they would trust you with interior work.
Speaking from experience, even helping out with the hoses, air bottles, etc. and getting the firefighters back to work is rewarding.
We were in a training class last night and a major fire broke out in an apartment building. I got to help out and it was fun. Then another fire this afternoon in a vacant building. Even when not on shift, I'm allowed to show up and help out--even encouraged to do so.
And if *I* can do this, I know you can.
I’m home. I feel somewhat better than I did earlier....I wanted to just come home and let it all out and just weep. But I don’t have it in me to do it. I almost feel....cheated. I felt like I needed that release and it’s just not there now.
This sort of epic, awful episode has become a more frequent thing in recent years. I think there are much more severe issues on one side of my family (which never get talked about, btw) than I have had so far. Still, I think I know where I get it.
I’ll post some more tommorrow maybe. Right now I feel very....adrift. Numb. It’s a stage I tend to go through during these wonderful little mental road trips I take occasionally. I think what it amounts to is I have hurt so much that I can’t hurt anymore. Probably a subconscious defense mechanism or some such.
I did take one bit of advice and visited the health food store. We’ll see if some better nutrition might not help.
Wow, James, isn’t it amazing the variety of responses you have gotten here? I read the beginning of the thread earlier today at work while I was really busy, and I posted a little something, but I thought about you and this thread all day. In a weird way, it was inspiring for me.
You made a difference for me today just by posting this thread and being so generous with your feelings. I hope you come away from it knowing that what you have going on is universally human, and there are so many ways to change it, heal it, and turn the corner.
Everybody’s an expert because we all have what you have to some extent or another. I could really relate to the whole go to work, come home, sleep, get up and do it again. But I really try to just be the best person I can be (which sounds so stupid when I type it), meaning I try to reach out to other people, send cards when they are sick, I ask people how they are doing and then I wait around for their answer instead of just blowing past them. I try to let people know I am really listening and that it matters to me.
By trying to help other people I get out of myself a little, and maybe I can relieve their distress even for a moment. There have been many times when a caring person made a huge difference for me just by being there for me even a little.
I get a lot of comfort knowing that none of us really knows what the hell they are supposed to be doing. It is amazing any of us get through life. Really. So I just show up for life every day and do the best I can. And I try to be humble and grateful for what I have, even making a list sometimes. You would be amazed how helpful that can be.
I hope you start to turn the corner soon, but when you wake up in the morning and get ready to do it all over again, please try to remember that you helped me today with your honesty. You seriously made a difference. Thank you.
And we think the people we read about, the celebrities, or heroes, or these public persons are somehow living more meaningful lives. And yet, how often do we then read of scandals or other problems - financial, physical, emotional or otherwise?
There likely is really no correct answer that can apply for everyone.
People find comfort and meaning in so many different things, so I would imagine that there is something out there for you, just keep looking.
As for me, in my mid 40's, I realized that I was never going to achieve the things that I thought I ought to have achieved. And I noticed the world around me was quite a bit more messed up than I had ever noticed before. This was just a few years ago, and the political landscape made me wonder how my beliefs became so far from the mainstream.
So now, I do feel like an outsider in many ways, but I'm no longer seeking to make any sort of impact in my community or beyond.
Essentially, I simply enjoy the fact that I have good health and a few of this worlds blessings. My biggest ambition now is to retire to the beach some day, so I can wear shorts and sandals every day. Some ambition, huh?
Yes, please keep posting. There are 250 replies to this thread and there are many freepers out here with you on their mind. Let us know how you are doing, especially through this dark time.
Thank you, my friend. :)
later
James-
I scanned thru about half of these posts and see that you have several dozen of good suggestions. My personal take after reading your “About Page” is that your basics are already very good. I have been in similar situations, but I am not you, so these are just for your consideration:
1. Get down and ask God for guidance, be sincere!
2. Count your blessings - write them down if necessary. You are a Christian, young, well-educated, have a professional job, and so on (many don’t even have that)!
3. If you neeed professional help, get it, but shy away from drugs, those might enslave you in a drug-induced haze.
4. By all means get a dog or other pet that you can interact with (I talk to my dog now instead of the TV!)
5. You can still date without having casual sex, and do listen to what your date has to say instead of bemoaning your own problems. Many girls would like that a lot.
6. Take pride in your work, look forward to each new day and value the companionship of your co-workers. (This is very important as it gives you a daily purpose - many people nowadays don’t have that option.)
That’s enough for now, so get with it and good luck!
JC
Sometimes you need the darkeness to appreciate the Light.
I also read with interest the comments regarding nutrition and vitamin supplements, and will head to the health food store to check them out as soon as I kick this stupid flu. I have a feeling that the funk my DH gets into occasionally has a more nutritional basis than a mental basis, so we’ll see.
So, James, you had an effect on me today, totally unexpected because you happened to ask for help on FR on a day I happened to be home from work sick, and saw the thread. Otherwise, I would have missed it completely. Because of the wonderful posters here who gave their advice and prayers, I received some help I hadn’t really realized I needed.
My point is that you may never know the impact you have on people, just in everyday ordinary life. There may be no bells and whistles, no news stories, just a small smile on the face of a stranger as they pass you on the street that you might not even see.
I do wonder a bit at the comment that you seem to not feel the release you had expected by letting this all out. I just hope that you weren’t really wanting to see nothing but comments to “Gut it out, you wuss” and let those comments reinforce how worthless you feel about your life.
Man, this sounds preachy, and I didn’t intend it to be that way. Just a mom worrying, I guess. You are just a little younger than my kids, and I’m sorry you are feeling adrift. Just remember, no one can ‘give’ you happiness. It’s a gift you can only give yourself.
Oh, one more thing, kittens love curling up in your lap when you are on the computer. Nothing better than some purring therapy when I’m feeling down.
have kids. raise and nurture them. nothing in life compares. no love can match that which you feel for your children. you were born in the greatest country in the history of civilization. you have nothing to complain about.
oh..and man-up you wuss
God bless you. If I have any advice, it is, if your life seems empty, fill it. If you feel like you do nothing good or make no difference, go seek out something good that needs doing. Join a civic organization- there are a lot of good causes that need a hand. I think all of us have had days where we wonder what the point is to our existence. Those are days when we forget that the Almighty does have a purpose for us. It may not seem like it sometimes, and it may not always be obvious- everyone’s ministry is not in the pulpit. Nonetheless, those who are His children do His work, even in some small way, even you, and even if you are not aware of it. Take comfort in that fact, and I hope you find some solace.
LOL!
Hi James, it’s late so instead of giving you more advice, I’ll send you a <<<< hug >>>>
You’re in my prayers. I hope you post tomorrow! Goodnight.
In the five years after I turned 29 I quit drinking, quit smoking, met and married my wife, fathered two daughters, built a house, completed a college degree, and earned several job promotions.
NONE of this could I have imagined at the time I was 29. I simply decided that my life was off track and I needed to become a different person. There is nothing wrong with being "just another guy" if you are a guy who believes in freedom, individual responsibility, and personal accountability. There is a great shortage of such "guys".
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