Posted on 02/16/2011 9:31:50 AM PST by JamesP81
I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this that would understand. I don't expect FR too either, but it's as good a place as any to vent.
You know what I do? I get up every day and go to work. I do my job and get my work done. I come home. I do it again the next day. And then again, and again, and again.
When I am dead, the most anyone will ever say about me is "he went to work ever day". If I were to simply drop dead, everything would pretty much be as if I had never lived. I have accomplished nothing noteworthy and I don't expect to. When my life is over with, the world will not be a better place, no one's lives will have been improved, and the evil that lives in the world will not have been pushed back.
This leaves me feeling....sick inside my soul. As if something is very, very wrong. The only thing I really look forward to is burying myself in the mundane of the normal to the degree that I do not think about these things. By and large this works, but some days I take my head out of the sand, and the result of that is days like today.
I've tried many things. When I was in school, I spent time every week in a nursing home. It did the folks there good to see anybody. But it did not fill the void. I am a blackbelt in karate and used to exercise a lot. It was good for me, but it did not fill the void. I have good friends, but I don't see them as much as I used to. We're all out of college, have jobs, and some have kids now. But even during the heyday of college, I couldn't fill the void with other people. I have hobbies. They're fun, but they leave me empty. I don't want to drop everything and be a drifter, but I don't want to sit still. I am not into carousing and having casual sex with whatever comes along. Never have been, and I'm fairly certain it would make me feel worse. I am a Christian; I do not speak to God as much as I should, but I do at times. He is supposed to have purpose for me, but I don't know what it is. I hope He has something for me other than work 9-5 until I'm dead.
A lot of people will say that your purpose is what you make of it. Every bit of evidence and observation I have tells me that's true. Yet I don't believe it, and never have.
In before "man up you wuss".
Yeah-uh, that’ll work: give the excuse-polisher more excuses.
It’s the “Dark Night of the Soul”.
Lotta angst there.
I just did a Google. Very interesting and yes, it is darkest just before the dawn. Thanks.
Are you by any chance a Scientologist? Your response to James is hysterical and based on a bunch of misinformation. I know alot about this. James might - if he wants to, of course - pick a sympathetic psychiatrist (not a general practitioner) and talk to him about medications; he should also engage in therapy. Many of these drugs have no side effects and can greatly elevate one’s mood. It must be carefully monitored.
But it is James’ decision, not yours or mine.
James, I am a much older woman (68) and I have fought this sort of thing all my life. It comes and goes and no other person, not even God, makes the real difference. Basically, we are all alone inside our skulls, no matter what happens outside.
However, if you have the means, take a sabbatical and go on some excursions to places that fascinate you or to do things you wish you had done, but somehow haven’t, yet. If you don’t have the means, then set a monetary goal, save obsessively, and use that money to travel.
I was able to do that back 37 years ago. I am so glad I did! I was with someone I still am with and still love, but we also met so many interesting people. We discovered places and activities we loved and sharing that with others, in groups that were initially of strangers, was rewarding and fulfilling. After just a few days in this sort of situation, you are no longer in a group of folks you don’t know.
There are travel opportunities for young single people. Most last 3-4 weeks, IIRC, so it isn’t a huge commitment, either timewise or financially.
Is there a sport or activity you wish you could participate in? Take instruction and then tailor your excursion to that. For us, it was scuba. For my husband, now, it is sailing.
Take a look at the online forums for youth travel or for whatever you wish you could be doing. You will find out information, interact with others who are looking for the same sort of adventure and refine your goals in these pursuits.
Perhaps travel isn’t the thing for you. Perhaps you would be happier learning something totally new and different. Taking a 3-6 month course in whatever it might be would allow you to explore your own abilities, put you in situations where everyone is a newbie and open new pathways for the future. Maybe you would have to temporarily relocate to do this. A change of scenery and a change in the people around you might be a tonic, as well.
You know, sometimes writing fails the first 50 times. Sometimes it is because you haven’t gotten out of your rut or you don’t really know what you want to write about. Angst and ennui can be motivators, not just things that weigh you down. If you do decide to do something new and different, keep a journal. That way, you will have something concrete to use in writing after that venture is over.
You are very young, even if you don’t feel like it. This is the time of your life to gain experiences. With experiences, comes confidence. Go for it. From the sound of your post, you have little to lose, nothing to tie you down and everything to gain. The world is out there, waiting for you to find it. In doing so, you will find out a lot about yourself, you will grow and change and, at the very least, you will not just be sitting at your keyboard feeling as though life is passing you by. Instead, you will be out there living _your_ life, which is, of course, always a work in progress.
Hi James! I just wanted to chime in here.
I think we’ve all pretty much been where you’re at.
You’re not alone.
I know when you’re in that place, the days, weeks, months can seem endless.
It’s those little rays of sunshine that peek through the clouds that I live for.
You may not know when or where, but they’ll come.
And I don’t want to miss out on those.
Don’t know if that helps or makes sense to you, but I hope you know what I mean.
Take care and feel free to FReepmail me anytime!
Hi Yaelle, my friend was recently prescribed an SSRI, can you inform me of some of those side effects you mentioned?
Thanks!
I hope that what you wrote helps James, it was beautiful
and I certainly liked your take on pushing back the evil.
Just a suggestion: Rock the boat, just a little. Don’t quit your job, don’t run away to Tibet. But do something different. Go to a neighborhood you normally never pass through, wear something not inappropriate, but different than your routine. Vary your routine with something, not necessarily major. Then watch others’ reactions and also your own feelings, and keep a journal of it all. Next day, change something else. Your problem, I think, is that you repeat things already familiar too much. You go to the same job that you go to every day. In Karate you repeated the same kata until you got a black belt. You used to visit the elderly regularly. So take your day off the assembly line already, before you go all Charlie Chaplin in Modern Times, tightening the same bolts ‘til you snap. Vary it with a little harmless boat rocking. Do that some more, if you like it. Do it in a different way, if you don’t. And yes, start studying the Bible. Learn a language. Learn a new skill. You’ve limited your world, and that has to change.
This writing thing is perculating in my mind. You are a writer - apparently a science fiction writer. No one with that calling can work in an exhausting job and then come home and write. I know! I tried it and it didn’t work. I was lucky and met a nice guy who said: stay home and write. I did and through his support began to get better and better. (The first novel is never very good, by the way - and if it is, it’s usually the ONLY book the writer turns out, lol! With exceptions, of course.) So, until you have a support system, think about taking a writing course in your free time. Allow yourself to be as bad a writer as you can be - don’t judge yourself. So many actors, playwrights and writers started out as very bad artists but grew. At 29, you have lots of time to improve, lol!
And, remember, you seem to have many friends on FR!
I wish I could take credit for it. It was all paraphrased scripture.
The only thing I added was the bit about getting a check up.
I have gone through, and am going through, something similar right now. I’m not as depressed, mainly because God’s got a plan.
As I look toward the east right now, maybe bigger things are afoot anyway.
Hi James,
A number of suggestions have been given and there is probably not pick-one-only issue but since you do live by yourself I would recommend caution on anti-depressants as you have no one who is around you every day to serve as an observer and confidant.
I have seen these medications be of great help, but I have also seen people have trouble with them and generally they themselves are the last to know. If you do take them it should be with trained medical counseling and weekly in office visits due to the lack of a day-to-day family member to be an observer.
I am heartened that you have had hundreds of encouraging replies, many of which from those who have gone through trying times like these and found an end to the tunnel you see yourself in at this point. I hope that this aspect of the thread lets you know that after a period of time you will reach a better point in your life. I thank you for the great complement of trusting us with this venting vanity. I hope we have earned it in some small measure.
One of the simplist was the suggestion to get a dog. That might amaze you and there are dog agencies that might let you have a return policy if you find it doesn’t suit your position in life.
Best wishes.
Two things: Are you just lonely? By lonely, I mean yearning for a mate. If that’s the case, you’ll just have to get out there and find her. Very few men (or women) are psychologically able to live (happily) without a mate.
Barring that, see a doctor. Those feeling of emptiness despite having everything that makes most people feel good, is a sign of clinical depression. It could easily be a chemical imbalance.
If your depression is a medical condition there is nothing that can help you except a trained psychiatrist who can give you medicine to regulate the chemicals in your body that cause your depression.
You must understand this. If you have a medical problem you cannot control it with willpower. It is physically impossible. It will just get worse.
You must see a psychiatrist - a real medical doctor - to find out if this is the case. It can be the difference between life and death because clinical depression can lead to suicidal thoughts no matter how strong your own willpower is.
The doctor can tell you if you are OK and then you can deal with the normal “sad” kind of depression that everybody has.
But you really need to see the doctor first. OK?
Good luck. Best wishes.
Why not try signing up to be a big brother.
If you have a higher threshhold of needing to feel fulfilled, do you have a volunteer fire deaprtment or EMS squad nearby?
Consider joining.
Consider becoming a scoutmaster or assistant scoutmaster for a Boy Scout troop.
If you give it a little thought and some prayer, God will steer you toward a way to make a difference, a real and lasting difference in people's lives.
Some times the smallest seeming things leave tremendous impacts.
So live your day to day life as a model of politeness--and be cheerful--it is contagious.
You don't even need anything to be cheerful about, you will find that is reflected back to you.
Sometimes we just need someone to listen; not have it all bottled up inside. You’ve picked a good forum where you can remain anonymous, if you choose.
I take it you are not in a serious relationship at this point.....have you been in the past?
What? Huh?
Are you drunk?!
>> “ I am a blackbelt in karate” <<
.
I believe that this may well be the source of your emptyness.
Karate, like all the ‘eastern’ arts takes one away from Christ, and fatally attaches them to the Earth. God’s children are not a part of the Earth, and those that become part of the Earth have chosen to be apart from God, which is the essence of spiritual death.
Reject those errors and turn to Christ.
James, in some ways I’ve been where you are at times, yet each of us are in different circumstances. I can only assure you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that it most definitely isn’t an oncoming train. I’ll keep you in my prayers so that you will know the peace that passes all understanding.
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