Posted on 12/02/2010 11:26:45 AM PST by hawkins
“Darling, does this outfit make me look fat?”
One of my wife’s friends is getting married this weekend. My mind drifted back to when my relationship was young. If I had only been given a list of what not to say in certain situations, my life would probably have been a lot easier. The ailment is often called, “Foot in mouth disease” and a scripture explains: “…no one can tame the tongue, it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.” Well, while it’s true, that no one can control the tongue perfectly, I suggest trying duct tape and keep it quiet as frequently as possible.
Oh if we could take back words which have left our mouths. Sometimes, these words are said in jest, sometimes seriously, however, regardless of how they were sent, it doesn’t mean they will be received in the same manner. Here are some words I have heard over time and I myself won’t admit to having said:
“[insert here] is woman’s work.”
Any sound imitating a truck backing up…
“Is your mother coming over again?”
“Oink Oink”
“Get those bare feet back in the kitchen where they belong…”
“My mom could teach you how to cook better.”
“You never miss a meal do you?”
“I had a girlfriend who wore something like that…”
“Does your family tree have any branches?”
“Having a bad hair day?”
“I’m the man that is why…”
“Did you do anything around here today?”
“I bought a book on dieting for you.”
“It took you an hour to look like that?”
These are phrases guys just say sometimes without thinking. It isn’t something said in anger, it’s insanity. Keep a handle on what you say men. There are going to be times when you are angry and during that time insanity will try to multiply. You think you are going to one up anything your wife says or that you are going to put her in “her place”? Nooooooo! Don’t ever let those words escape your lips. The Bible says: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” Listen to what your wife has to say. Be patient, considerate, and deliberate in what will come out of your mouth afterward.
There is a reason women like the strong, silent type. When we aren’t silent, we tend to get ourselves in a heap of trouble. Consider the great battles that have raged over time because rash words were spoken. Ask yourself if having the last word is really worth the pain it will cause. I guarantee she will deal better with your silence than you will when she gives you the silent treatment. The best advice I can give a young man entering into the marriage covenant comes from an inspired source:
Psalms 141:3 – Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!
For a second there I thought the title was “Silence Your Wife”...
I was wondering how many FReepers replied under their breaths “You can hear that from there?”
Then I re-read the title.
Communication is important, if she asks “Do I look fat in this?” always say NO. (remember, only fat makes people look fat :p, just don’t say that out loud)
Anything the man says after that is the start of a new argument.
By coincidence, by Tim Hawkins. When my children hear this tune of the original song, they automatically sing this version. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ3SC-gVvy0
If I’m just plain cruisin’ for a bruisin’ from my lovely I just say,
“If a man is standing in the forest and there’s no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?”
;^)
I have tears in my eyes... sigh... Oh the trouble we get ourselves into...
Once, in a fit of irritation at having been asked this question, I replied "Why would you blame the outfit?"
I also learned that, when one's beloved is unbuttoning her jeans, one shouldn't make intemperate references to opening a can of biscuits...
“I have bags under my eyes and crows feet. I have laff lines around my mouth and my neck is getting to look like a chicken's. My breasts are heading south and so is my butt. I have varicose veins and bunions. My hair turned grey overnight. I'm not feeling too good about myself.
Please tell me something positive about myself. me”.
so I told her her eyesight is damned near perfect.
Doctor says I should be out of the cast in 3 months.
That’s a keeper.
“I planned a hunting trip next week on your birthday. I didn’t tell you ‘cause I know it’d be OK.”
Priceless.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started...
I heard a family story of when my FIL got my MIL a vacuum for their anniversary. Not a pretty sight at all. What is so funny is he was flabbergasted that she was annoyed and kept saying, “But it is a really good vacuum”.
You know, I thought it would be ok for me to skip Valentines day every year. I told my wife that I should be able to show her every day how much I care for her. I don’t need to buy her things on a commercial holiday. I told her it was my way of protesting. She didn’t buy it.
As to the Landmine Questions that many married men come to fear, the trick is knowing, and memorizing, the perfect answer for each. For example:
She: (Sigh). "Does this dress make my butt look big?"
He: "Dear: you make that dress look beautiful".
And so forth, leading to a most welcome opportunity to go back to watching the football game, and perhaps, to a spot of fun later in the evening.
Ha! Funny on the vacuum! My dad once bought my mother an 18 lb pipe wrench for her birthday. The year after she bought him a night gown and nail polish!
I remember when we were dating I bought my to-be wife a fire extinguisher for her apartment. Hey - it’s red, and what says “I love you” more than thinking of her safety.
She says I also left a nice necklace in the refrigerator for her to find when I asked her to get me a beer - but I don’t remember that part. (Thank goodness SHE does!).
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