Posted on 07/14/2010 7:51:16 PM PDT by Judith Anne
I've had a couple of serious life issues lately, and it occurred to me how beneficial humor is, in facing adversity. My brother sends me jokes all the time, and I really enjoy them; in fact, I look forward to them every day.
So I thought I'd share the one from today, and ask everyone to share jokes too, just for the purpose of laughing out loud, easing tensions, general goofiness, and fun.
Ok
And it works for Oprah or Obama too.
LOL! A joke with a *point*!
I like that one.
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home...”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
Joe worked in the lumber yard for 35 years, and he pilfered enough lumber over the years to build an addition on his house, a hunting camp, and a 4 car garage. Finally his conscience got the best of him, so he went to confession.
After hearing his confession, the priest said, "Well this is a pretty serious sin, my son. Your penance must be appropriate. Do you know how to make a Novena?"
Joe replied, "Well no, Padre, I don't know how to make a Novena, but I've got lots of lumber, so if you have the plans I'm sure I could build you one."
**I don’t have my handy dandy HTML crib sheet with me.**
If you just paste the link and hit enter without any other html, it makes the link clickable. Here is another joke thread from 2004.
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1290007/posts
Couple of good ones this morning, LOL!
Thanks...
Your joke reminded me of this email.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
See the reply I just posted @ #87.
Yes, I just read it, very good! I keep checking the thread for new ones, can’t help it. ;-D
See the link I posted at # 85 as well. Lots of jokes on that thread.
Where do you get dragon milk?
From cows with very short legs.
A doctor, a lawyer and a cattle buyer were using the restroom in a restaurant...
The doctor finished, washed his hands all the way up to his elbows, and then used about 10 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan and we were taught the importance of cleanliness.”
The lawyer finished, quickly wet his fingers, and then used the blow dryer mounted on the wall. “I graduated from Harvard and we were taught to conserve resources and to be environmentally conscious.”
The cattle buyer finished and as he was walking out the door, he said… “I went to the University of Wyoming and all of its graduates know how to use the restroom without getting it on their hands.”
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was a cowboy and the other a cattle buyer. She checked their references and learned the cowboy was a hopeless womanizer with a drinking problem. The cattle buyer listed his banker as a reference and the banker told the widow that the cattle buyer was honest and hardworking and she would be completely safe having him around.
She hired the cattle buyer and he proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. After a month, the rancher’s widow said to the cattle buyer, “You’ve done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The cattle buyer readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
However one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock, and no cattle buyer. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Nervously, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
“Now take off my bra.” With trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now,” she said, “take off my panties.”
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
Speaking of ranchers.
Did you hear about the newlywed cowboy who showed up at the hotel to make arrangements for a room for his wedding night.
With a wink, he said to the hotel clerk, “We need a room with a really strong bed.”
The clerk said, “The Bridal?”
“Bridle? Nope,” said the cowboy, “I’ll just hold on to her ears ‘til she calms down.”
No eye deer
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Just because Slim was a cattle buyer didn’t mean he wasn’t a good Christian. In fact, Slim rarely missed going to Church. His church had a gossip, Bertha, who was the self-appointed monitor of the congregation’s morals. She was constantly sticking her nose into others people’s business. Most of the members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Slim of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Slim, in front of the entire congregation, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.
Slim, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Slim quietly parked his pickup in front of Bertha’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.
Visit to the Doctor
One Wednesday, Murphy went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough, Murphy goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Betty, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Betty, what's for dinner?"
Betty says, " That's the fourth time you asked me. It's meatloaf."
oh!!! how cute and so true. Never ever leave a marker pen where a toddler can reach it. hahahahahaha.
later
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