Posted on 12/29/2009 2:01:18 PM PST by County Agent Hank Kimball
Excerpts:
JANUARY...The No. 1 item on the agenda is fixing the economy, so the new administration immediately sets about the daunting task of trying to nominate somebody -- anybody -- to a high-level government post who actually remembered to pay his or her taxes. Among those who forgot this pesky chore is Obama's nominee for Treasury secretary, Timothy Geithner, who sheepishly admits that he failed to pay $35,000 in federal self-employment taxes. He says that the error was a result of his using TurboTax, which he also blames for his involvement in an eight-state spree of bank robberies. He is confirmed after the Obama administration explains that it inherited the U.S. Tax Code from the Bush administration....
FEBRUARY...The stock market hits its lowest level since 1997; this is hailed as a great investment opportunity by all the financial wizards who failed to let us know last year that the market was going to tank. California goes bankrupt and is forced to raise $800 million by pawning Angelina Jolie.
The Obama administration's confirmation woes continue as Tom Daschle is forced to withdraw as nominee for secretary of Health and Human Services following the disclosure that he, too, failed to pay all of his federal taxes. He blames this oversight on the fact that his tax returns were prepared by Treasury Secretary Geithner....
MARCH...In other economic news, the CEO of GM resigns under pressure from the White House, which notes that it inherited the automobile crisis from the Bush administration. GM is now essentially a subsidiary of the federal government, which promises to use its legendary business and marketing savvy to get the crippled auto giant back on its feet, starting with an exciting new lineup of cars such as the Chevrolet Consensus, a ``green'' car featuring a compressed-soybean chassis, the world's first engine powered entirely by dew, and a 14,500-page owner's manual, accompanied by nearly 6,000 pages of amendments.
Businessman Bernard Madoff pleads guilty to bilking investors out of $65 billion in a Ponzi scheme, forcing the Obama administration to withdraw his nomination for secretary of commerce....
APRIL...The big health story in April is the rapid spread of swine flu, a dangerous new virus strain developed by the makers of Purell. Public anxiety over the flu increases when Vice President Joe Biden, demonstrating his gift for emitting statements, declares on the Today show that he would not recommend traveling by commercial airplane or subway. A short while later, White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs assures reporters that he is ``not aware of any `Vice President Joe Biden.' ''
In another embarrassment for the White House, New York is temporarily thrown into a panic when Air Force One flies low over Manhattan for a publicity photo shoot. Responding to widespread criticism, Gibbs notes that President Obama inherited Air Force One from the Bush administration...
MAY...In crippled U.S. auto giant news, General Motors announces a new business plan under which it will fire everybody but Howie Long, who will continue to make what GM calls ``some of the most popular commercials on the market.'' Meanwhile Chrysler, looking to the future, invests $114 million in an Amway distributorship.
On the international-tension front, a meeting of the United Nations Security Council to discuss possible sanctions against North Korea is forced to adjourn hastily when the council chamber is penetrated by a missile.
In sports, Helio Castroneves wins the Indianapolis 500, although his victory is somewhat tainted by the fact that all 32 of the other cars were hijacked by Somali pirates....
JUNE...On the economic front, California is caught on videotape attempting to shoplift 17,000 taxpayers from Nevada. General Motors files for bankruptcy and announces a new sales strategy under which it will go around at night leaving cars in people's driveways, then sprinting away.
In political news, the Minnesota Supreme Court, clearly exhausted by months of legal wrangling, declares Al Franken the winner of American Idol. Meanwhile the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, goes missing for six days; his spokesperson tells the press that the governor is ``hiking the Appalachian trail,'' which turns out to be a slang term meaning ``engaging in acts of an explicitly non-gubernatorial nature with a woman in Argentina.'' The state legislature ultimately considers impeaching Sanford, but changes its mind upon discovering that the lieutenant governor, who got into office through some slick legal maneuvering when nobody was paying attention, is Eliot Spitzer...
JULY...In government news, top Washington thinkers, looking for a way to goose the economy along, come up with the ``Cash for Clunkers'' program, under which the federal government provides a financial inducement for people to take functional cars, which are mostly American-made, to car dealers, who deliberately destroy these cars and sell the people new replacement cars, which are mostly foreign-made. This program, which was budgeted for $1 billion, ends up costing $3 billion and is halted after a month. The administration declares that it has been a huge success, which everybody understands to mean that it will never, ever be repeated. With this mission accomplished, the top Washington thinkers are free to train all of their brainpower on the nation's health-care system.
AUGUST...President Obama, in the first serious test of his presidency, announces that he will send U.S. troops to rescue Democratic members of Congress pinned down in town hall meetings by constituents firing hostile questions concerning the administration's health-care plan, which turns out not to be wildly popular outside of the immediate Capitol Hill area. The president dismisses concerns that his health-care agenda is in trouble, observing that ``there's something about August going into September where everybody in Washington gets all wee-weed up.'' White House spokesperson Gibbs explains that the ``vast majority'' of the wee-wee was inherited from the Bush administration....
California, in a move apparently intended to evade creditors, has its name legally changed to ``South Oregon.''....
SEPTEMBER...With public support for the administration's health-care plan continuing to slip, the president orders U.S. troops into Fox News, then goes on a media blitz, appearing, in a three-day span, on Meet the Press, Face the Nation, Meet the Nation, Face the Press, Press Your Face Against the Nation, Letterman, Leno, Judge Judy, Iron Chef and Dog the Bounty Hunter....
On the international-finance front, leaders of the world's economic powers gather for the G-20 summit meeting in Pittsburgh, where, in a rare display of unity, they vote unanimously to fire whoever is responsible for selecting their meeting sites....
OCTOBER.... . . the International Olympic Committee meets in Copenhagen to choose whether Chicago, Rio de Janeiro, Tokyo or Madrid will host the 2016 summer games. Chicago is considered a strong candidate, but despite personal appeals for the city from President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Mayor Richard Daley, Oprah Winfrey and the late Al Capone, the committee -- in an unexpected decision -- votes to hold the games in Pyongyang, North Korea. The head of the IOC insists that the decision was ``made freely and without coercion,'' adding, ``for the love of God please abort the launch.''
On a happier note for the White House, President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize, narrowly edging out Beyoncé....
In Afghanistan, U.N. investigators raise questions about the recent national election, noting that a third of the votes cast for President Hamid Karzai came from Palm Beach County.
On the celebrity front, a remorseful David Letterman confesses to his stunned audience that he has been hiking the Appalachian Trail with female staff members....
NOVEMBER... A Washington couple, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, penetrate heavy security and enter the White House, a feat that Joe Biden has yet to manage. As details of the incident emerge, an embarrassed Secret Service is forced to admit that not only did the couple crash a state dinner, but they also met and shook hands with the president, and they ``may have served briefly in the cabinet.''....
In sports, the New York Yankees, after an eight-year drought, purchase the World Series. But the month's big sports story involves Tiger Woods, who, plagued by tabloid reports that he has been hiking the Appalachian trail with a nightclub hostess, is injured in a bizarre late-night incident near his Florida home when his SUV is attacked by golf-club-wielding Somali pirates....
In a troubling economic development, the U.S. dollar, for the first time in history, falls below the lentil....
DECEMBER...On the environmental front, Copenhagen hosts a massive international conference aimed at halting manmade global warming, attended by thousands of delegates who flew to Denmark on magical carbon-free unicorns....
In the Middle East, U.N. nuclear inspectors become suspicious when Iran attempts to ship to Israel, via UPS, a large crate labeled ``HARMLESS ITEMS -- DELIVER BEFORE TIMER REACHES 00:00.''....
I used to read Barry all the time but haven't lately. It seems as if he's become more conservative? Or is it just that he isn't a knee-jerk lefty, so most of his barbs are going at the Dems since they're in power? I only counted 2 mild barbs at the right: on at Sarah Palin and the other at conservatives who opposed Obama's speech to school kids.
I think most here will really enjoy this.
Hank
I think this should have been in Breaking News! XD
btt
That was great. Thanks for posting it!
omg, this is GREAT ........ping!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But...but....isn’t Dave Barry dead? Has his ghost risen up
in protest of the most incompetent and corrupt presidency
in our history!???
Thanks for the ping, bitt.
Thanks bitt. I used to read Dave Barry all the time in my newspaper. Believe he took a hiatus and it’s been a LONG one!
I used to read a LOT of things in my newspaper....until it became unreadable.. I really miss the Macy’s coupons tho... :(
here’s another column:go to the website to get the links to the items he recommends
http://www.miamiherald.com/living/columnists/dave-barry/v-print/story/1365659.html
Dear Santa, please pay no attention to this list
BY DAVE BARRY
In these troubled economic times, when money is scarce for many people, it’s important that we remind ourselves, and our loved ones, that the holiday season is not about buying things.
Then we and our loved ones can enjoy a hearty laugh, because, of COURSE the holiday season is about buying things. Now more than ever, the U.S. retail economy depends on consumers spending money they don’t actually have on gifts that nobody actually needs. That is the thinking behind the federal government’s recently passed $783-billion Emergency Holiday Retail Stimulus Act, which will be used to purchase, among other things, what the White House has described as ``a cheese log the size of the Chrysler Building.’’
When it comes to gifts that nobody needs, you will not find a better source than our annual Holiday Gift Guide, which we have produced every single year without a break since the discovery of America. As you might imagine, it’s a major effort. The process begins in early spring, when we contact leading lifestyle trendsetter celebrities such as Beyoncé, Bret Favre and Queen Elizabeth II to ask them what gift ideas they believe will be ``hot’’ this holiday season. Within hours — such is the prestige of this Gift Guide — we get a personal response from every single one of these celebrities’ legal representatives, informing us that we have violated our restraining order. Then we take eight months off.
Approximately two weeks before our deadline, we return to work, refreshed, and get on the Internet to order a batch of products that meet the three strict criteria for inclusion in the Holiday Gift Guide:
CRITERION ONE: The item is in stock.
CRITERION TWO: The item makes us wonder what kind of idiot, aside from us, would ever actually buy it.
CRITERION THREE: Now that we think about it, there really are just the two criteria.
As the gift items arrive at the Gift Guide Command Center, our trained professional staff, Judi, puts them through a rigorous testing procedure consisting of putting them on the floor next to her desk. When they have all arrived, we turn the items over to Bob the photographer, who takes pictures of them with models selected on the basis of being people Bob can talk into posing with embarrassing products in exchange for no money.
Yes, it’s a lot of work, but it’s work that we feel we must do if we are going to continue to avoid doing anything productive. And it is because of this rigorous procedure that we are able to offer you our exclusive:
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE QUALITY ASSURANCE GUARANTEE WARRANTY
If you purchase any item featured in this Gift Guide, and you are, for any reason — such as permanent disfigurement — not 100 percent satisfied, simply place the item in a one-quart resealable clear plastic bag, take it to any municipal airport and put it on the moving belt going into the X-ray machine. Then give the ``thumbs-up’’ signal to the TSA personnel operating the machine. They will know what to do.
Confident? You bet we are. And you’ll understand why once you take a gander at this year’s Gift Guide lineup:
Dave Barry’s 2009 Gift Guide
* Educational sperm snow globe
* Poop box
* Jerky pistol
* Nose shower-gel dispenser
* Metal-detecting sandals
* Whoppair boxing gloves
* NFL Garden Gnome
* Beer pager
* Stink-finder ultraviolet light
* Golf club drink dispenser
* Wine glass holder necklace (set of two)
Dave Barry is not dead. I am, and he’s never at the meetings.
Laughing about the coupons. My newspaper is still readable with lots of reader feedback on the editorial page. Town of 65 thousand and still more conservative until the illegals eventually take over....
Liked Barry's Christmas list. I have kids coming in this weekend for a second round of Christmas....still have shopping to do!
Waaa, I wanted a Charlie Brown Christmas tree and they sold out before I got to the store!
Thanks for the ping!
Thanks for the link. I’ve got several of his books and I think he’s one of the great humorists.
I really appreciate that he’s a true down-the-middle kind of guy. I’ve always believed that columnists - humorists or otherwise - who aren’t explicitly conservative will eventually become explicitly liberal. Barry seems to be an exception to that rule.
Hank
Thanks...good stuff.
Does anybody here know what ever happened to P.J. O’Rourke? I always thought of him as a conservative Dave Barry....but haven’t heard anything from him in years.
Hank
I keep a copy in close proximity.
You never know when it'll come in handy. ;o)
Somali Pirates' fault.
IMMORAL, INCOMPETENT, NOT VERY WISE
Tune: "Immortal, Invisible, God Only Wise"
Immoral, incompetent,
Not very wise;
This year of Obama meant
Murphy applies.
The change they believed in
Since Bo was a pup
Got shortchanged and even
Got all wee-wee'd up.
The bailouts, the skeptic
Said, won't stimulate;
The failure was epic--
A ten is worth eight.
The shovel is ready
To dig a new hole;
The trend line is steady--
It's Dear Leader's poll.
Insurance guy smirking,
But you might be jailed;
The system is working,
The underwear failed.
Incompetence conquers,
It's running amok;
But don't tell the Congress--
On stupid they're stuck.
On Holder, on Nappy,
On Crusty and Joe!
Is anyone happy
With Barry's Team O?
Let's all call a summit
And cry in our beer;
The worst thing about it--
It's just the first year!
Very FUnny! May your lutefisk ever be shimmery!
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