The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[ItisaReligionofPeace]

What exactly is wrong with spanking a wife when she’s done something wrong? It used to be commonly understood that women were child like.

[wardaddy]

I grew up with some of these ads. Some folks here are missing the point....especially about the BB guns and the baby and “SAFETY” razor and some of them are just in gest...no men didn’t spank women unless they wanted it and then not with the bare hand but with a crop of course

the reaction of youngsters here to a once very non politically correct time gives one an indication of how far we’ve changed...not for the better in my view...just look around you

we are emasculated over race and gender and homosexuality

[SoftballMominVA]

“Kiss your hemorrhoids goodbye’

Now that’s funny

[SoftballMominVA]

I guess there is nothing wrong with spanking your wife —

What about the open hand slap to the face? is that okay?

What about the push down the stairs for ‘cheekiness’? Is that okay?

What about the punch to the gut? Is that okay?

Just want to know the parameters.

[PennsylvaniaMom]

Please tell us you forgot your ‘sarcasm’ taggy.

[longtermmemmory]

bump

[wardaddy]

The Hathaway ads were big then...they beat Arrow routinely.

The little girls is advertising girls shampoo not a little girl advertising women's shampoo

but advertisers were wacky then too

now, they are arguably the premier agents for social engineering and love to focus on stereotyping traditional folks as idiots, whites as idiots, blacks as wise, blonde women as craving black men...white guys occasionally get the Asian chick and vice versa and so forth

ads directed at under 40s who must be stalwarts not to be brainwashed by all this by now always feature feminine looking white guy (more common than ever admittedly), Chinese or Hispanic girl or both, mixed race gal..usually pretty, very black guy or sorta Lenny Kravitz looking ambiguous black guy and white girl...the black guy always gets the white girl..of course they are all so earnest , smug and hip doing the right thing like being Green or buying a tortoise box hybrid car....some even make hints about Fearless leader...like you should get it...wink-nod.

the worst PC brainwashing is in the ads they show before movies when you are captured, they know folks don't like all this all the time being shoved down their throats but in the theatre they can push their agenda

so is it about selling stuff or changing the world?

you tell me.

you kids laugh and take a posture of moral indignation over these old ads today but yet you are surrounded by stuff that is much more offensive and don't even realize it anymore, it's your reality

the racial engineering is personal choice..fine but do we really have to have it become de riguer in every ad aimed at young folks....does anyone really live like this?, (it's like I'd like to buy the world a coke on steroids in it's smarmy factor) but the feminization of the cool American male image is sickening, I go out and look at these young men and unless they are in the military or damned thugs (the flip side), then they are sissies.

isn't there a book about this somewhere...the men all turn either queer acting or predators

like Molochs and Eloi

[Centurion2000]

bttt

[Red in Blue PA]

[wardaddy]

Don’t knock Quaaludes.

They should bring them back for folks who’ve lost their sexual drive or are too inhibited to enjoy intimacy.

Women in particular....forget estrogen, just give em Quaaludes for that special evening

but don’t let them drive and best to keep them away from others in like mood or it will become Roman very quickly

man...the 70s....coulda been worse I guess

[Red in Blue PA]

[Red in Blue PA]

[PennsylvaniaMom]

Oh my...that is making me reach for my inhaler. Can’t breath...Babies in a cellophane bag???

What were they thinking???

[wardaddy]

thanks...a cogent reminder for folks how it is now compared to then

anybody care to comment which is better

[wardaddy]

really...some of the comments are mighty PC on that site

[SoftballMominVA]

Makes you wonder what people will poke fun at 50 years from now

[SoftballMominVA]

Makes you wonder what people will poke fun at 50 years from now

[wardaddy]

Hear Hear Toad!!

the more i scroll down the better I’m feeling already...I feel just like you

these ads are offensive to wimps and fembots

[B-Chan]

Assuming you’re in shape for them, may we suggest:

* Schoolgirl kit

* Cheerleader uniform

* “Emma Peel” cat suit

* Brooks Brothers pinstripe dress shirt

Also, if you have a twin sister...

[Red in Blue PA]