The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[Marysecretary]

OOOHHHH, did Santa get a present that year???

[Centurion2000]

yeah these are creepy

[SoftballMominVA]

I hate to say this, but I think mom and the nurse may have had something to do with getting him into that zombie state in the first place.

[Marysecretary]

Hey, someone was in my kitchen...

[Red in Blue PA]

ROFL!

[retrokitten]

LMAO You are probably right. Poor kid looks like he’s getting an IV drip if the good stuff.

[SoothingDave]

I remember the good old days when women didn’t even single post, let alone double post. ;-)

[Red in Blue PA]

[Sudetenland]

Look around, I'm not the only one...not even the only male.

I am unable to help that you lack any sense of proportion or humor...your problem, not mine.

[Marysecretary]

Nothing showed on this but a red X.

[Red in Blue PA]

[SoothingDave]

That is a modern ad.

[Jmouse007]

“Mommy, Daddy, she hung SANTA!”

[GOPJ]

I don’t understand what you’re saying - you get off on sadistic ads? And you;re Christian? What are you trying to say? My comment was about a specific ad. An ad depicting a child being injured. You think that’s funny?

[Jmouse007]

Yes, and then she hung SANTA!

[Red in Blue PA]

[Marysecretary]

Ah, the good old days before electric typewriters. Sigh (NOT).

[GulfBreeze]

I really doubt many women in the 50’s (or 30’s or 1890’s for that matter) would have sat still for being bent over the knee.

It was funny then because it was fairly ludicrous (though not unheard of). It is funnier now because no one would dare publish it.

[SoftballMominVA]

It was a good comment, but not worth a double post.

Guess it’s because I didn’t check with my husband first and get his permission :)

[Jmouse007]

That is just WRONG and VERY SCARY!