Being Mean To Telemarketers: Unethical Or Understandable?

I was just on my way out the door, rushed for time as usual, when the phone rang. Caller ID said, "000-000-0000." I had a pretty good idea who it'd be (in a general sense) but I was expecting a call from an out-of-town business associate that day, so I couldn't afford not to answer.

"Hello?" I said warily. Suspicious pause. (This, in my experience, nearly always means an automated system is hooking a telemarketer up to the line.) And sure enough, "Yes, hello ma'am, may I speak with a... (pause) ...Mr. William J. Fields?"

"There's no one by that name at this number," I fairly growled, thumb already reaching for the disconnect button.

"Well then, ma'am," asked the voice before I could complete the move, "Is there a Hillary Fields?" Grrr. I couldn't deny it. I hardened my tone even further and answered, "What's this about?" in as abrupt a fashion as possible.

"We'd like you to answer a few quick questions about your long distance plan..."

What I did may have been bad manners, but it's nothing compared to the story of an Ohio man named Charles Papenfus, recently arrested for 'going postal' on one of those extended service auto warranty telemarketers who wouldn't stop harassing him. According to Stltoday.com:

Charles W. Papenfus, 43, of Fostoria, Ohio, allegedly told a sales representative during a May 18 telephone call that he would burn down the building and kill the employees and their families. He was indicted for making a terrorist threat, a Class D felony; and he could be sentenced to up to four years in prison if convicted.

I don't know the specifics of his case, but I must tell you, I work primarily from home, and these telemarketing jackasses call at all hours of the day (particularly the auto warranty ones telling me my warranty is about to expire, which is ludicrous since I don't own a car.) I'm on the do-not-call list, but they always seem to find a way around it. And they're often automated calls, so I can't even do a Papenfus and take my fury out at them directly. I'm forced to fume helplessly and one-sidedly at the automated voice waking me up at 7AM on a Sunday, breaking into my dial-in meeting, or interrupting my romantic dinner with my husband.

I'm not advocating specific threats or any sort of violence, but let me ask this: When these callers have violated the sanctity of our homes in this insistent and unwelcome manner, do they deserve anything resembling courteous treatment in response?

I realize that some people who are telemarketers are simply desperate for a job and know what they're doing is annoying, but I can't imagine taking that job unless I were destitute and responsible for feeding my family and there was no other way. Must I be nice to these callers just in case that's who's on the other end of the line? Hmmmm

Terrorize telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

I noticed a long time ago that there is a delay between the time you say "hello" and the moment the telemarketer starts his pitch. From this I deduced that a machine places the call but doesn't route it to an actual telemarketer until my voice triggers the system. Essentially, the system is set up so that I end up placing the call to the telemarketer.

Because I have no desire to call a telemarketer I always pause and say nothing after answering the phone if I don't recognize the caller ID number or it is blocked. If an actual person is calling, they'll invariably break the silence after a second or two and say, "Hello, is there someone there?" or something similar. If it's a telemarketer calling machine, the line remains silent. I simply hang up after three or four seconds of silence.

In sum, I don't hang up on telemarketers. I simply don't complete the calls they initiate.

50 FUN THINGS TO DO TO TELEMARKETERS

Talk really fast.
Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static.
Make up your own language. Speak it.
Hang up.
Make up a one word language. Speak it.
Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"
If they say "Yes" to number 6 say, "Please state the nature of the emergency." Then insist that their emergency isn't an emergency. Hang up.
If they say "No" to number 6 say, "I'm sorry but this line is for emergencies only." Hang up.
Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.
Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.
Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.
Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.
Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "
Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.
Claim to be the mafia.
Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."
Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.
Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.
Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.
Say, "Oh no! It's the Feds! They're on to us!"
Claim to be the FBI. Say, "This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How may I help you?"
Dial *69. Wait about a minute and say, "Damn unreliable *69."
Speak a foreign language.
If you do # 24 and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks the language you used, speak another language, use a made up language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.
Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you "realize" that you are not speaking to your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, "Pervert!" Slam the phone down to hang up.
Say, "Help! I'm being robbed! He's got a gun!"
Communicate only through Morse code.
Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.
Try to sell the telemarketer something.
Act drunk.
Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though you were electrocuted.
Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.
Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.
If he/she says "No" to #36 insist that he/she buy yours.
If he/she says "Yes" to #36 ask if he/she will take a strange currency.
Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.
Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy because you couldn't see him/her dance.
Make him/her sing to get a sale.
If a male sings for #41, claim that he sounds like Brittany Spears.
If a female sings for #41, claim that she sounds like Barry White.
Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."
Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject.
Say nothing until he/she hangs up.
Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up.
Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.
After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.
Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.
If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on about how great another newspaper/magazine is.
Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get him/her to buy your product.
Say, "Yes" immediately to whatever they are selling and hang up immediately afterwards.

We solved the problem by getting rid of our landline. Five of us in the house and once the youngest was old enough to have his own cellphone we shut down the home phone. The only thing we miss about it is using it to fax.

But when we still had a home phone and were terrorized by telemarketers I had my own unique solution. First invasion of privacy was answered with a polite, “I’m not interested and please place this number on your do-not-call list.” Second and further invasions were dealt with by whistle. I am a basketball coach and referee. I happened to still have my whistle around my neck one night as the phone rang. My whistle is a Fox-40 and if you’ve ever heard one they are particularly shrill and loud in order to be heard in a crowded and noisy gym. My players hate it in a quiet practice gym. Very effective as an answer to a sales call, too.

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