Knock Knock...
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya Who?
Kenya tell me where Obama was born?
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Barack Obama
Posted on 11/07/2008 4:46:27 AM PST by Lucky9teen
ROTF!!!! Jeepers, the Onion’s on line! Cool! :)
Jeeze, all I said was, “In before ten?”
That is very funny..........because it is too close to the truth.
“Knock, Knock.”
“Who’s There?”
“Obama.”
“Obama who?”
“Sweet Home Al Obama!”
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
“Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
‘Well, that’s great....that’s just great....
Some asshole’s got my pen!’
*snicker*
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’
St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
‘Oh,’ said the man, ‘whose clock is that?’
‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’
‘Incredible,’ said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’
St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’
‘Where’s Barrack Obama’s clock?’ asked the man.
‘Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.
bump to cure a bad mood.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s*#t!!
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
*Chief Bullshit Officer.... Every company has at least one, Government has many
ROTFLMAO - A couple years ago I was in Wisconsin and stopped at a convenience store - and there were hardcopies of The Onion. My response was, “WOW! The Onion has a PRINT VERSION!!!!!?????” LOL.
Eeeeee!
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